Blessings Birthday

I had my radical hysterectomy 1 year ago today. The pictures above were taken the day I got home from the hospital. The boys were hanging easter eggs on our lilac bush at our other house. I remember how excited I was to be home and I was able to go outside for a bit and help.
Today I spent the day with great people. I got an e-mail from a great friend. I ate too much good food. I didn't have a migraine. It was too hot today though! Mom was laughing at me because ever since my surgery I am always hot (hot flashes)! I had my head hanging out of the car like a dog today when she was driving because I was so hot. She told Grant that his Mommy was dramatic. He said, "I know." I turned around to see him in his booster seat with his shirt pulled up to his neck and half hanging out of the window too! Ha! You too little turkey! Like you have room to talk you little scab picker! Don't worry though, Aunt Kara will still be your friend when you are the scab-picker in 7th grade. Long-story...she will get it. By the way Grant heard me say that I wasn't going to write anymore and he told me that he would be sad if I didn't write because he likes to hear the stories I read to him. (I read bits and pieces of my blog and other things I write. And for those who are concerned...I only read things that are appropriate for a five year old :-P ) He also told me today that he thinks I am a good runner and wants to go running with me. He rode in the running stroller the other day and cheered me on the whole way. Although tonight he told me that he thinks I hate him when I told him it was time for bed so maybe he isn't a valid source :-)

Yep

Go Miley Cyrus.
Check this out, (Miley on Ellen talking about standing for what you believe in):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKldw3Wzx2Y
Didn't know I was a fan...now I am.

You'll have to forgive me

I don't know what I can say. I think I'll take a pass tonight, maybe for awhile... I see I have almost 1000 views but only 10 who will admit to be followers. I get so much negative comments outside of my blog about my blog. I had no idea that my personal therapy and (assumed)sort of odd connection to the people in my life would end up being such a devastating blow to who I am. No one feels they can comment or maybe they are all just scared that I will bite their heads off. Maybe I am seen as a jerk by everyone. Don't do it now out of pity because then it is like telling your husband, "you never buy me flowers," and then they buy you flowers later that day. It loses its meaning.
Happy 1st Blessings Day (March 31st, 2009) to Grant and Jake tomorrow. Thank you for your unconditional love. Maybe I'll just start a blog where I just write about the boys. I'm pretty sure that would be better received anyway. I totally understand though.
I bet I have a migraine tomorrow. I am totally depressed today and usually I have a migraine the next day when I have insanely depressing days. Odd but true.

Forgiveness

My father in law have talked things out and I have apologized for insulting him in such a public forum. The discussion went both ways. Most importantly we talked openly and completely. He honored my communication style of non-superficial conversation. He was gracious and I was thankful. He hugged me and told me that he loved me for the first time ever and it was probably the most important event to me as a member of this family since my marriage because I felt I was heard for the first time in 10 years of knowing the Anderson's. I apologize to those of you who were informed of my blog second hand and hopefully will also be informed of this apology entry as well in order to be equally fair. Please understand that we have all said and done things inappropriate or hurtful in our lives and please do not hold this mistake against me as I was defending my family in my heart of all hearts.

Powerful day

Have you ever been sick and you didn't know why you felt so terrible day after day, and you said to yourself,
"At this point I don't care what it is I just want to know something so I can do something about it!?
I felt like the life I had been living lately was "sick" and I felt terrible day after day and I just wanted to know why. I had my theories and I blamed a whole lot of people, but in the end I figured out the "diagnosis". I am not happy to know my affliction but, am so happy to simply have an answer so that I may move on.
I play the victim too much.
I dwell on the bad too much.
I don't forgive enough.
I hold grudges.
I preach.
I don't support my husband enough.
I don't realize how blessed I am.
I don't connect with the people I love enough.
I lash out instead of look inward.
I assume I know what people are thinking.
I don't ask others about how they are doing.
I suddenly have become aware of these faults. For the first time in my life I wasn't insulted when they were brought to my attention. I am now aware enough to fix them to the best of my ability. I feel like I have a fresh start. I love that I have this sudden ability to accept my faults and move on knowing that they can be fixed. I don't know how it is working, but I'm going to run with it for now.

What would Grandpa say?

Yes, he was was an amazing man. He never really got into arguments with anyone. He was respectable, didn't lose his temper in a public forum and never, never, disrespected his in-laws. He once told me before he died, never to insult or talk poorly of my spouses family to my spouse. He would be ashamed of me for how I dealt with the situation, however, I am not my Grandfather. I would love to be more like him and my Grandmother. Yet, there is one thing they taught me that I am fulfilling and I stand firm by this belief: "It may not always be easy to stand for what you believe in... and most certainly when the majority disagrees. You must follow your heart and know that God will lead you to the the right path in due time." I am never alone when I am with God.
As far as playing the "Grandpa would never have done that" card... he also said "just give them the 'chicken shit grin' ". I never did agree with that. Well, at least the way he said it. I also never agreed with slathering everything with butter, eating ice cream right before bed, hitching a shotgun to the tractor to shoot little critters while working in the field. I didn't agree with spraying every weed the yard with a toxic chemical pesticide he concocted himself! :-) So, yes, I adored him. But we are different.
We are also very similar. We love to laugh. His family always came first. He always told the people he loved that he loved them. He believed that you should never wait until your life was over to do what you love, and he loved doughnuts! Just to name a few.
I adore Grandma. She is a quiet and strong presence in my life. Her ears have burnt with my continually talking and jabbering since infantcy. She had stood back and allowed my stubborn nature mold me and never once judged me for it. The only times she would step in to disagree with me were in those moments I doubted myself or those moments when I was hard on my mother. I do disagree with her way of not discussing the important things when they really need to be discussed though. She has always loved to read my writings and has been the greatest encouragement when it came to writing how I truly felt. She always said that she has envied my ability to express exactly how I feel. We are different. Yet, we both are sensitive, we are great cookers, bakers, gardeners, we love to play cards together and we always annoy everyone else when we play because we naturally help each other in any game we play without thought.
They are proud of who I became. I have heard it many times my whole life. They don't mind that I am not like them. Grandpa is looking down on me and I'm sure that after his initial disappointment of my treatment of my in-laws, he would be proud of how I protect my children and the way I protect my husband even though there is adamant disagreement in that area from many. I watched people close to me when I was younger submit to abuse. I still see that in some of the people I love. Whenever, I feel threatened, cornered or the potential of becoming a victim or that my children will become victims I "bite" and I "bite hard" until I get my point across. I am sorry Mom (my real Mom) for not just leaving this all unsaid. You told me to be a bigger person and realize that they will come around or miss out, but to not play this victim anymore. So I am, but I had to explain why I did what I did and why I feel I was not wrong. What good would I be to this Earth and for God if I had nothing different to offer than what the rest of the world had to offer. I am different. Expect me to say different things, expect me to react differently to situations. The people who really know me and love me know what me intent is and know where my heart stands. I feel confident in this.
If all else fails I stand firm by my opening blog statement by Dr. Seuss- "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss
Oh, I forgot another thing Grandpa used to say, "If you are embarassed or hurt by the outcome of a situation that you have done, then you shouldn't have done it in the first place.So I'm sorry, but you will have to get through this to get stronger." "If you don't want anyone to know something, don't do it." And the very last thing he ever said to me was, "If you are crying right now (as he lay dying in the hospital), you aren't crying for me, you are crying for yourself and that is a shame. And, hey if you could strech my arms out for me I could breathe better...and maybe I just might fly!" I miss you Grandpa. I'm sorry I let you down.

So Proud

Grant and Ted shaved their heads today for St. Baldrick's again! I was so proud of Grant he was amazing and had such a great attitude. We looked at the website this morning and read about the children he was helping. It was sad, but it really affected him. My boys look so handsome bald! I really can't tell you how very proud I am of Grant. He is only 5 years old and this is his third year of shaving his head for St. Baldrick's. Ted has done it for about 5 years I think. Derek Watts is an officer and friend of ours who works at OPS with Ted and he has done it every year with the boys. After the event we went to out for pizza to celebrate. Kelly and Lucas came with Avery and Deacon. Our friends Brock and Becky came to the event. Ted's Mom, Arline, came to the event and out to eat with us. It was great to have everybody there with such late notice. Kelly and Lucas came back to the house after supper tonight. We love hanging out. We usually try to get together every week sometime. We miss Mike and Kara and the kids though. Avery and Grant are always building something in the basement. We joked that they are going to bring the lawn mower engine up and ask if they could use it for their "project". Tonight they only asked for material, cotton balls, paper, a stapler, markers, plastic Easter eggs and candy. I'm sure when I go downstairs to clean up I'll have a good laugh again, like usual. Deacon and Jake share the exact same personality and were hilariously fighting over the potty chair and running around with no pants on most of the night! We always laugh so hard. It was a good day. Tomorrow is Palm Sunday and I am remembering how fun it was growing up as a child in the church back home on Palm Sunday's. We always got to take home our own Palm branches and it seemed so fun back then. I hope our new church lets the kids have Palm branches so they can enjoy them like I did :-)

I have more imoprtant things to do

Stopping. That's enough. I'm moving on.

Great cause

I just joined EcoMomAlliance and I feel it is a perfect fit for me. I encourage those of you who aren't rolling your eyes right now to visit this site! I have been living this lifestyle to the best of my ability for quite some time now and it is nice to find a site to belong to that supports the cause without forceful and ignorant attitudes.

Litterbug

One nice day in the last week we were driving down the road with the windows down and the boys were drinking those Capri-sun Roarin'Waters juice pouches. Jake decided to toss his juice pouch out of the window. Grant, my community service officer of the family, yells, "MOM, JAKE JUST LITTERED!" Then he turned to Jake and told him that he was going to get a ticket for littering. Jake, not knowing what that meant yelled back, "NO, I NOT GET ITTERED!" Always looking for the perfect opportunities to teach the boys things that I assume most parents will just pass over. (i.e. manners to service workers on their own, putting carts away at grocery stores, opening doors for people, picking things up for people, retuning lost money to the nearest proper location, etc. I have so many) I jumped on the opportunity to help them stand out in a world full of self-absorbed jerks. I said to Jake, "Jake it is a no-no to throw garbage out of the window. It that where your juice pouch goes when you are done with it?" He said "no?" I stopped the car and pulled into someone’s driveway on the street we were driving down. I explained to Grant and Jake that I would be taking Jake out of the car and holding his hand as he walked to get the juice pouch and pick it up. I told Grant to sit still and keep his eyes on Mommy. I locked the car and walked the several feet to the spot where Jake picked it up and we then turned around and walked back to the car. Once inside I told him about how we don't ever throw anything out of the car again. He may or may not, but at least I have planted the seed.
Another notable experience lately was the day we planted our seeds so they could get a head start on growing inside. I am a gardener to the bone and I can't wait for the boys to join me so they can learn all about it. Grant has picked out cantaloupe seeds and Jake picked those giant pumpkin seeds. I had little seedling starting containers and this year I upped the ante and bought seed starting soil. I showed them how to fill the cups with soil, tap them a bit against the table, and then to poke their finger into the soil a little way down to make a hole for the seed. Then I told them to have their seed babies dive into the dirty fun. I showed how to sprinkle just a bit more soil on top of the seed babies and then I gave them each a water spray bottle and we counted together on a couple of the seed babies: Spray, 1-2-3 good, spray, 1-2-3 good. They got the hint and I let them finish all of their seed babies themselves. I figure when I am trying to plant in the garden I can have them planting their seedlings and leave mine alone. One is to hope. I watched as Grant didn't do anything the way I told him to do it. I so desperately wanted to interfere, but I told myself, just one more reminder and that was it.
"Grant," I said, "soil, tap, little hole, one seed, little bit of soil on top and then spray"
"I know Mom...ahha, I am" he says
No you aren't Grant I say in my head.
I watch as Jake meticulously follows each set perfectly and am amazed at his focus on the task at hand. I laughed because each seed baby screamed as they took the plunge into the dirty fun!
When they finished I gave them each a tray to place all of their seed containers on and then I covered the seeds with Saran wrap and put them in the furnace room until the seeds began to germinate.
I kept my fingers crossed each day as we sprayed the seed babies. Finally one day Grants seeds ALL started to peak through the soil. In gardening it is quite common to have a few poopers not come up at all when growing them like this. Jake's came through the next couple of days too. What really got me was hoe sure I was that Grant's seeds were not going to come through if he didn't do it the way I thought he should do it. Grant does that to me. Life does that to me. I am so sure I know the way it needs to go. If it doesn't go this way...this exact way...it won't, it can't work. I know I have been wrong many times, but this time it meant something different to me. It reminded me of how I asked Grant about how he saw the water in the glass and he told me that he just didn't like water. IT is neither good nor bad I thought then...it just is.
There is no right or wrong way to plant seed babies, there are just ways.

Manikin Mommy

I was daydreaming that I was running as fast as I could down the road with the ipod playing in my ears. My feet hit the road with every beat to every song perfectly and rhythmically. The sunset was painted magnificently in the sky right in front of me and I was chasing it. I turned my head and saw as Grandpa was mowing the ditches with his tractor. He waved and called me over to him again, just like he does every time I have this daydream. "What are you doing running out here in this heat? Get on up here and I'll take you down to Grandma's!" He insists. Na, I'm fine Grandpa, I love this heat, it’s the best to run in! I'm used to it." I smile and run off.
I've had this daydream/memory for years. It really did happen but the places and the times change in my daydreams. I think it is my way of trying to bring him with me. I want to tell him about the boys, I want to ask him about the house we are building. I want him to laugh that giant belly laugh that made my heart glow. But, I think secretly the real reason I think of him so much in this daydream is because Grandpa always saw me as being uniquely me. To him, I was special. To him, the man I married was the luckiest man in the world. He even told Ted that he would never actually give me away at the wedding, but he would share me with him! To him, my faults, and my weaknesses made me special and uniquely me. He was confident in my strengths, and now I am certain, no one even knows what those are.
There is something about becoming a wife and mother that strips you down to a naked manikin. You are bendable and pose able. You serve a purpose. You are a placeholder, a filler at best. "This is my wife", "This is my Mom", "This is Ted's wife", "This is Grant and Jake's Mom", "This is our son's wife", "This is my brother's wife", Oh and the real killer is no introduction at all as if you don't deserve to be noticed ....
I am Jo.
I was at church on Sunday and realized that I was alone. Arline was up North and Ted never goes with me. I was sitting in the pew by myself. I didn't feel awkward or out of place. It felt right. The sermon was about renewing thyself. He made a distinction between buying something new and simply renewing something that has been worn down. Something worn down could be something that is showing the signs of being weathered by the storms of life; like a lawn chair for example. I closed my eyes and pictured this old wooden lawn/deck chair with deep cuts in the wood and chipped paint, loose screws, a missing leg and a cracked seat. Do I throw the chair out or do I put a little love into renewing the chair and in the end have a greater appreciation for that chair than I had before? What if the chair was me? What if I put a little love into renewing myself? Would I also have a greater appreciation for this "chair" in the end? It's not selfish to take time to renew me. Especially if it means having a greater appreciation for whom I am in the end.
I had been waiting for the right moment to do this, but was hesitant because I wanted to make sure I was making this decision for "me" and not for anyone else. But, this was the church service I chose to walk up at the end of the service and ask for my letter of membership transfer from that little church back home that did so much for my life to this new and loving faith family I had found. The minister hugged me and cheerfully piped up to tell the congregation what I had said. If you don't remember from that old post I will explain for a minute. At the end of every church service the minister says to the congregation that during the last hymn all those who wish to change their membership to our church or would like to share with the church of how Christ as touched their during that week, then they may come forward to the front of the church during that time. So while the congregation was still singing, I walked from my pew up to the front and asked the minister all by myself, for myself, and for my children. It felt empowering to have not told anyone about it and just doing it on a whim. I liked it better that way. I didn't want people to see me as just Ted's wife, Russ's sister-in-law, or Arlene’s daughter-in-law...I want them to see me as a strong person who also has dreams and aspirations that I have put on hold for my children. (Just the same, I'm not a follower. I've always made a bad follower. I laugh at this because I really was only designed to be a leader. My mother joked that if there were ever going to be group assignments we better hope that they only put me in a group of submissive followers!)
I needed to do this on my own. It was a great feeling and after the church did their acceptance prayer, they all got into a long line and came through to introduce themselves and give me hugs. I felt visible for the first time in a very long time.
I belong here in this church family. My boys love this church already and they people at this church are so kind and giving it feels blessed to be part of it all. Now if only I could get Ted to go to church I would be teaching our son's exactly what I have always wanted when it came to faith. Rain, or shine, happiness, stress, sadness, busy-ness, work schedules. Sunday's should be sacred. My grandpa used to come to church almost every Sunday during planting and harvest. He may have had two or three hours of sleep at most and then after church he would eat a big Sunday Lunch with his family. He was tired but he was happy and involved. The after we all finished eating he slipped over into his recliner and fell asleep for the afternoon while 7 grandchildren and their parents ran in circles around him. To each his own. But the difference here is that Ted works from 11pm to 7am and needs to sleep until 3pm at least so he misses out on church and Sunday lunches. I'm beginning to think he is just as disappointed about it as I am.

My Dad is a wonderful man

I just saw a youtube video with my Dad back with they were making the FS Commercial. The music they played and how they edited it made me cry I was so proud of him so, please check this out!. I would link this video up to my blog but I cant figure how to get it to work yet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLHpsnVstKE

Grants gonna bite mines faces offs! MOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Tonight Ted and I had been given the always rare opportunity to go out to eat and spend the evening together while Rick and Arline kept the Boys. We had plenty of time and I think the best part about the whole thing was how free and laid back we were able to be the whole evening. When we went to pick up the boys tonight I could tell that Grant was in a "special" kind of mood. Arline had told him at least 6 times to clean up his mess and I knew he wanted to spend the night there tonight. I had brought over a bag for him if I had decided I was going to let him stay. After the first two times he ignored her request I decided I would give him one more chance to save himself so Arline asked again and he still didn't listen. At that point I had made my decision and he would be bringing his "special" self home with his "special" Mom who can see when we are at that point when we need to have time alone and recombobulate from our discombobulation! He gets me, even if you don't. So in the car ride home Grant decided to growl, lunge over at Jake, and yell "I'm going to bite your face off Jake!"
This was followed with the loudest most piercing and irritating scream;
"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAANNNNTTTT UUUUU NNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnnoooooooooo DDDOOOOOOO DDDATTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

"Jake?"
"NOGRAANNTTTT!"
"Jake!"
"STOOOOOOPPPGANNTTT!"
"JAKE!"
JAAAKKKEEE!!!!! ??"
"What mommy?"
"What is wrong?" I finally have a chance to ask
"Grant he says he says he going ta eats mys face!
"Yeah I'm going to eat his face *smirk*. Replies Mr. antagonistic Jr.
"Jake, so do YOU think that Grant could eat your face?
"No! (Smile and cute little head tilted to the side)" he whimpered
"Then why are you screaming?" I ask.
"I noteno (I don't know)? he cheerfully quips as he has moved on to bigger and better things while the rest of us try and get our ears to function properly again.

Next Story:
Grant's Glass
Grant was in a really bad mood on Friday morning for some reason so I pulled out a glass and filled it half full with water. It was the first time I had ever done it with him. He has always has such a great positive attitude until recently. I was curious so I put the glass in front of him and asked, "Grant is this glass half-empty or half-full? He said "ummm, I just don't like water Mom."
There that is my perfect description of Grant's personality. It is neither good nor bad it just is what it is...

Updates

There are a few updates recently to note:
1) Ted and I met with the builders and are hoping to have our final design submitted sometime in April. We can't get our loan from the bank until we get the deed for the land and can't get the deed for the land until the school district division is decided upon. We ran this by the builder and he informed us that we don't need to have any of the loan money other than a down payment to the company until the entire house gets here. The house gets here 8 weeks after the order. If we turn in our order to the company by April 1st and it is certified in blueprints by April 15, then that means we have until June 1st to have the loan in hand to pay the company. No stress here. This also means that I need a job by June 1st to help begin to pay for the loan. Yeah...that's going to work perfectly....
This would mean that the house would likely be finished by the end of July like we had originally thought. However, the water may not be hooked up out there until July or later. There is a possibility that we will not be able to live in the house right away and will be waiting on the water to be hooked up in order to live there. If the city water line begins to take longer than thought we will bite the bullet and dig that money-sucking well.
2) We are in desperate need of a new washer and dryer as we are sick of the laundry situation, so I foresee a large purchase this week
3) Potty Training Jake seems to be going much better than I had thought it would go and am very pleased so far. Go Jake!
4) Winter sucks! The one thing that winter is good for is a greater appreciation of spring when it does get here!
5) Ted and I are signed up for our weight training class again at the YMCA and have scheduled a time to run together every day. We arranged a babysitter for one hour so that we can do this.
6) Jake is signed up for parent/tot swimming lessons with Robert "robot". I can't believe he can already swim by himself, which is so awesome. I feel like a dork just following him around the pool.
7) I signed Grant up for private swimming lessons to see if I can get him to swim with "Robot" since the boys have always liked him. Grant had such bad luck with swimming teachers and it really broke his trust. I want him to know how to swim so Jake and him can go swimming with their cousins and friends. I invested more money than I ever would on an activity for the kids because Grant being an able swimmer is important to us.

Well, that's all for tonight’s updates.
It’s time for some funny stories.

My mind keeps going back

I woke up today and felt like I had been hit by a train in the night. I have woken like this for the last couple of months. It feels like I have run a marathon every night in my sleep, but, I wasn't even sure that my eyes were ever closed long enough to have run a marathon. I am aware of some insane dreams. I am often involved in some dramatic rescue and the people in my dreams revolve like a moving platform. It is a sequence you can depend upon. Mostly the people I miss the most occur in my dreams the most frequent and those who I feel don't know me, but still judge me are a close second. I assume the last group is the ones I feel guilty for letting down in life. I wish I would write about my dreams more so that I could understand more about my subconscious. While some people simply have nutty dreams lacking direct connections to their lives, it never takes me long to find the connections to my life. Right after we moved to the Temporary home and I couldn't see Matt (our close friend and neighbor) everyday, I realized how much I had grown to depend on venting and finding comfort in his presence. Tiff (his girlfriend/wife and mother of their son Brennan) has been gone for so long to a job where she is able to come home only two days a week at most. I have missed her since Jake was born, so it forced a closer relationship on Matt and I, "an odd pair" ,I treat him like I treat my brother and I assume he rants about how stupid I am to Tiff, but just the same, I miss them. I started to have dreams about what I assume was worrying about all the dangerous things Matt does for his job and the traveling Tiff does for her job. It combined my feeling of loss that I felt with the move. I wish we could have taken them with us. One of the dreams/nightmares involved Matt being caught inside of a burning building that one of the stupid college kids had set on fire. I had Brennan, a great kid might I mention, and Tiff was on her way home from her job for the week. Brennan ran into the building to save his dad and I had to run in after Bren. I suddenly found Brennan, Matt and I at the top of a building swirling in flames and we realized that we could get Brennan out so we threw him and hoped he landed in a safe place then we looked at each other and said, "Tiff is on her way, what they will tell her, oh, my god..." Then Matt said to close my eyes and think cold and he grabbed me and pulled me into the inevitable with him. It ended right there. No more. I woke up sweating no less. I desperately wanted to call Tiff to make sure everything was okay, but didn't want to sound crazy. It's weird but we depended on them for so much more than "can you let the dog out, can you watch the house while we are gone, and can we borrow a rake..." We depended on them for friendship and a family that you get to choose. We try to meet them every Friday night for some Burger King and indoor playground goodness, but, life sometimes happens and things get in the way. Anyway, I have rambled about something completely off of topic again. Oh, well, maybe it was what I was meant to say all along.

For my best friend Amber who understands me more than anyone else- this is us:

First of all I want to be a writer and a runner and anything that were to tie those two things together is my dream job...Oh how I envy you Kristina Pinto. But, I thank you for this article which came to us at the perfect time. We needed this. By we I mean (Amber and I). I read it through tears and laughter and when I was finished I bawled my eyes out as I began to think of how far I have come since last summer. I never have a chance to run anymore. I miss it so badly that all things in my life pay a price for it. So, thank you for a reminder of the importance of finding my way again.


Runners' Stories
HELL WEEK
What happens when a runner-mother doesn't get to exercise her demons?
By Kristina Pinto

From the March 2010 issue of Runner's World

A cold rain is pelting the road, but I'm desperate to head out for a run. I gingerly test my ankle with a jog down to the base of the driveway, and everything's a go. At a cautious pace that doesn't quite match my zeal, I run away from home for an hour, hoping my injury is behind me. When a running mom gets injured, the whole family pays. After falling a week ago in such a spectacular fashion that I later found gravel in my hair, I sat on my son's playroom floor with my foot elevated. Instead of wondering how I'd manage to fulfill my mom-duties on one foot, I fretted over how I'd find the will to fulfill them because I couldn't run with a sprained ankle. With a look of fear on his face, my husband quipped to our 4-year-old, "What will happen to us now that Mommy can't run?" He knows running keeps me sane, and his expression suggested he was sizing me up for a straight jacket. I just hoped it was made of wicking fabric so I'd at least feel like a runner.

If you're a runner and a mother—or if you live with one—maybe you get what I mean. We were taught that we could have a career and a family and a life outside both. But to make it all work, sometimes we need to run away. Out on the road, there are neither babies nor bosses tugging at our pant legs. The playlist on my iPod may blend Shrek incongruously with Eminem, but otherwise, my runs amount to sweaty, exhausting interludes of peace and quiet.

As a runner-mother, I train and race to be distinctly different from the woman struggling to maneuver the grocery cart shaped like a race car. "Sorry, sorry," I repeat like a mantra in the produce section, as I bump my way around the vegetables. Give me four safety pins and a piece of paper with a number on it, and there are no apologies. I have somewhere I need to go, as fast as possible, and no one gets in my way. The woman on the playground who uses phrases like "Oopsy daisy" spits and swears while running with friends. Pink running skirts are deceiving; there is nothing pretty about the conversations held by running moms on long runs.

As if anticipating the frazzled, potentially unhinged woman I might become, my son asked me one day how my foot felt. He suggested a Band-Aid to help. "Thank you," I said. "A Spider-Man Band-Aid is exactly what I need." As if superhero powers really were at work, my recovery time was quick. No X-rays or psychiatric care required.

Seven long days after my wipeout, I hold my breath as I slip into my Asics. Although my joints creak and my form lacks grace, I find the tough, ruthless athlete I fancy myself to be. I feel particularly hard-core slogging it out in the rain. I come home drenched, with strands of hair plastered to my cheeks. But I must have a look of satisfaction, because my husband and son cheer as if I have just crossed a finish line. Their runner-mother is back.

Kristina Pinto is an RRCA-certified running coach and writer in Westford, Massachusetts.

I made up a new holiday

So this afternoon I was making a point to Ted about Holidays. When I make a point it is important to me. All of my discussions, opinions, thoughts and so on are just important as the last. I am a passionate and high strung person. He thinks I am always trying to start something with everybody. Sometimes he thinks I instigate things to have a chance to disagree. He calls me defiant. I promise this is not true. I wish people didn't see it that way. I just hate promoting ignorant and senseless traditions when there are real dates in history that have been validated and can be celebrated by all. I have to admit I was being a bit antagonistic. Not in a grouchy way, but more of an "I really like to point out when people are wrong" attitude. I know it seems harsh. Today is St. Patrick's Day and I put Grant in orange. Ted dressed Jake and put him in green. I had a smirk waiting for his remarks. He knew what I was doing so he wouldn't play my game... ahhh no bite. I'm Irish, yes, but as if it really matters in this day and age...I'm from the Protestant Irish (Orange) not Catholic Irish (Green). I read once that St. Patrick was British. He wasn't even Irish. So, while I was on a kick. I decided to talk about how Columbus didn't discover North America, Valentine's Day is a load of poo, Halloween has turned into hoar-o-leen where chic’s compete to see how slutty they can look, WHO the hell is Casimir Pulaski, AND if we really want to get technical...it is believed that Jesus was born much earlier in the year than December. BUT, it does look like we should have a holiday celebrating when people let technology take the place of face to face contact thus abolishing the ability to effectively communicate for the rest of eternity! I think March 18th sounds good. We will have eggs and a bunny, and then we will have people hide the eggs and say the bunny hid them. Then we send the little kids out looking for them and when they find them they will open them up to find their very own tiny little technological domination toys and candy. Then we all go to church and pray about how it all ties into Jesus and how he died for our sins so that we could learn to live without ever really knowing how to effectively communicate with anyone in our lives! AHHHH, such a cute story of how it all began! See, don't you see how I find the enjoyment in this? It is harmless. Yet, thought provoking....Happy End of Ability to Effectively Communicate Day - hope you get lots of candy and stuff! Don't forget to go to church!

Sneaky

I have a secret plan for something fun and I am not telling anyone for once. Ha! Right now Ted is thinking: "she can't keep her mouth shut for two minutes...we will see". For once I think I will do something and then talk about it afterward instead of talking about something and then not getting to do it for some reason or another. It hit me as I was laying here tonight stewing about my have-nots. I heard Ted's voice in my head say, "Don't just bring me a problem, bring me a potential solution too." He started saying that to me years ago when I would whine about things and never do anything about it. So, here honey, I have a solution. Give me about 1 year to finish it. If I need help here and there to get it done I will ask for help, but it still won't be obvious why I will need help. Oh, how it feels so good to be sneaky! By the way, can I borrow $10,000? Just kidding! I know that's all Ted is thinking about right now..."how much is this going to cost me?!"
P.S. I just would like to inform everybody that I made it to Sunday school on time today with the time-change and two boys to get ready. So today wasn't a complete pit of misery....just a little pot-hole.

Sorry about the e-mails

I was messing with the settings on my blog and realized that I e-mailed my blog entry to everyone in my account. I apologize. If there is one thing I say it is "Nobody should have to read this if they don't want to!" If you would like to continue to get my blog entries to your e-mail just let me know and I will add you to my list again. Once again, I apologize for that error!

Catherine Evans

Please check out my friends website:

Catherine Evans

I am so proud of her!

6 keys on the key-chain

I try to keep track of the things I have eaten, places I have gone, emotional responses I get, etc. when I get a migraine or I feel one coming on. For example, today I had a wicked migraine (I'm not sure there is any other kind). Yesterday I was so depressed and I had no answer, it kind-of flew up out of nowhere and slapped me in the face. Everything went wrong, everyone hurt me, I was angry at everyone. I am so ashamed of my emotions. I told Mom last night that I was in such a dark place that I was going to stay off of my blog because nothing good could come of it. She agreed and sent a motherly warning, which I deeply blew-off anyway. I really wanted to stay off my blog, but I didn't. I got on and wrote about "stoicism" a word that people often refer to as a compliment. No one has ever called me stoic -we know why... But, something about the idealization of being stoic bothered me so deeply last night. It wasn't the only thing. I am angry at a Bible study I began a couple of weeks ago. It is all part of the process of letting God further into my heart though...I think. You see, I started this Bible study shortly after promising myself that I would get to go to Sunday school and church every Sunday after I turned 30. I have been so happy every Sunday. I desperately look forward to my Sunday's. One Sunday I saw a sign-up table for a workshop called "Unbinding the Soul"- I immediately thought it would be perfect for me. I felt a little bound in that area still. My hinges needed to be oiled. I started the class. Shortly after starting the "Bible study" I realized that it wasn't really a Bible study, but something else. I felt as if the whole purpose had an agenda that I was not privy to. I felt left in the dark. Here I am, just dusting off my church going shoes, when I find myself not in a Bible study but in something else. I won't say what because we signed a contract not to talk about the personal things we speak of in our group and I don't know how far that may cover. I'm sure that telling what the workshop is about now, wouldn't be a breach, but just in case, I'll fill you in later. I'm sure this workshop is perfectly acceptable to those who have been going to that church for years, but I have not. I suddenly felt duped. I'm not sure if I misunderstand or if I have lost trust in a church that I felt so strongly about. Anyway, I began to write about the word "Evangelism"
I sought the real definition of the word, commented on it and then wrote underneath, "Wow, God, I feel like I might need your grace right now!" This comment was because my intention for my whole blog entry was to be passive-aggressive. Suddenly, our fully charged computer died. It shut off and I couldn't publish the rest of what I wanted to rant. I was so angry. Then I started to laugh. I had just asked God to give me some of his grace...I didn't really expect it to be so blatant. He did give me grace by forcing stoicism on me!
I had a sad day with my migraine today, it was raining, Jada is still hurting from breaking her toe and she looks so sad, I'm missing my Grandma, my brother might still be mad at me, but I don't know because I haven't talked to him for too long, I miss my best friend Amber and just the constant feeling of failure as a mother I routinely face and I must share this story with you.
I hate to be all "Jesus" up on you considering there is nothing that annoys me more (that is so not true- there are always bobble-heads) than to hear about God when I am not open to it. But, something about this isn't just God, it is human nature.
One day a couple of months ago Jake, Grant and I were at Mom's back on the farm. Mom had been running the vacuum and stopped to talk for a moment. Jake picked up the vacuum cleaner (the attachment with the hose and the kitchen floor attachment were what were on the vacuum at this point). He wanted to get it through the door way and was not quite getting it...He had part of the attachment caught on the doorway and part sticking out. He just kept ramming it into the doorway over and over and over again. Mom asks, "Jake let Grandma help you?" "NO! I DO IT!" He yells. Then he proceeds to ram the attachment over and over and over again. Mom is laughing hysterically at this point. I had something on my hands or my control freak nature would have just taken it from him and moved it out of the way. I said to Mom, "Oh, you think it's funny because you don't have to deal with it every day with every single thing!" She said, "Actually, I'm like you, I want to take it and fix it too, but I was just thinking about how this must be how God sees his people. We have problems that we continually perpetuate and we just keep 'ramming the doorway', and then God says, 'If you would just let me show you how, you will see how simple it really is!' “It is funny because my personality has always been like Jake's.”ME DO IT!" I understand it. I also now understand why it is more important for us to "Let God show us." I remembered this story tonight when I was trying to find the right keys for the white car, the car I never drive, and I thought I had grabbed the one's Ted told me to grab. I walked through a giant mud puddle and soaked my shoes and socks to get to the car. I got in and tried to shove that key into the hole so many times, you would have thought I wasn't all there! I really wasn't all there...I wanted to do it my way...
I stopped finally when I concluded that it was obviously the wrong key and pouted about having to get out and soak my socks and shoes again. I looked down at the keys I was holding ad saw that there were like 6 different keys on the key-chain and I had picked the one I wanted and assumed it would work whether or not it was the right key. Think about life and how we try to "jam our keys into the ignition just because we think that should be the key that works; there may be 6 different keys we just over looked because we were so sure about what we thought we wanted."
I have been so overwhelmed with Jake and his "ME DO IT" attitude lately. I literally get hit in the head with it daily (bad, bad attitude and temper lately- Jake and time-out are getting to know each other well). Now, the hard thumps to the head have knocked something into me. God gave me this little "ME DO IT" message boy to remind me that if we could only just listen we might be able to hear him show us the 6 other keys on the key-chain!

Stoicism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The following is not a mistake. I am not stoic, nor do I agree with it or will I teach the boys to be stoic. I will leave stoicism to those who wish to die early of massive heart attacks, suffer from high blood pressure, or drive themselves or the world around them crazy due to their lack of emotional response. Still bitter, come back later when I am over my bad mood, warning: it may take a few days.

Stoicism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "The word 'stoic' commonly refers to someone indifferent to pain, pleasure, grief, or joy. The modern usage as 'person who represses feelings or endures patiently' was first cited in 1579 as a noun, and 1596 as an adjective.[30] In contrast to the term 'epicurean', the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy's entry on Stoicism notes, 'the sense of the English adjective ‘stoical’ is not utterly misleading with regard to its philosophical origins.'[31]
Stoicism is also enjoying a recent revival, with various online communities and groups on social networking websites such as Facebook."


NEXT WORD: EVALGELISM:

I couldn't have written it better

"Don't be afraid to stand out-
That's how the lost get found"
-Britt Nicole
(The Lost Get Found)
Great song
Great message

House Rules

"My theory is that the hardest work anyone does in life is to appear normal."
~From the movie Ed TV

Uh oh, here it comes. Emotion, sharing....can you handle it...I'm even going to admit how messed up things are right now. I'll do it for you. I understand most don't feel the need to admit their faults.
Sleep schedule's in this house and any schedule for that matter have gotten so irregular and abnormal with the move, Ted's schedule change, Jake's independence, Grant's growing out of nap time, and simply just chaos, that I have resolved to make a change today. What really set me off was a combination of some rather embarrassing moments on my part lately that made me realize my cluttered and unacceptable ways. Yesterday I thought it was Tuesday and didn't realize the day until 8:30 am when Grant's preschool Y-Tots program begins. I rushed him out the door apologizing to him the whole time so he would be certain to know that it was not his fault that I was so cluttered. We made it to school by 9am, and I felt so bad for him. On Jake's last day of swimming lessons we were so late we only actually spent 15 minutes in the pool. The other day I paid a $3 late fee at the library. We have never made it to Sunday school before 9am (when it begins). Tonight I was so embarrassingly late to my Bible study I fought back tears the whole time I was there. It is so ironic that one of my major pet peeves is people who are late. I think it is so disrespectful and you can tell a lot about a person by their presence or absence of chronic lateness. Late fees make me want to cry. If I miss an appointment I do cry. When I am late I profusely apologize. I find it funny (not really) that if my family with whom I grew up with realized my chronic lateness or missed appointments or late fees they wouldn't believe it. They wouldn't believe that I could live with myself. I can't! I live with that constant knot in my throat where I am about to cry. People (mostly Ted's family and the people who have only known me in the last 10 years) probably genuinely think I am a total cluttered mess naturally. They don't know who I know I am. I know how wonderful and clean and organized I am when I have the time to do it. I started thinking about the load that we all carry the other day and I realized that my load isn't like anyone else's load. I'm going to quit comparing my lack of ability to stay "on top of it all" to women who work or women with husbands who are home when they are...They will never understand. There are too many things that I deal with that they could never imagine. I also challenge anyone to raise my two boys with Ted's schedule, and the pure chaos we live in. You would all have been gone within a week, or even a couple days... It occurred to me that I just need a day to catch up. I have decided to get a babysitter two days a week. I will not feel guilty for all of those of you out there who feel that stay-at-home Mom's shouldn't use a babysitter two days a week. I actually am proud of myself for the idea and happy about the possibility of coming up for air.
Tonight we put the boys to bed and shut off all of the lights in the house. I left a lamp in their room on. I put meditation music on a CD player, and told them if they got out of bed the lights we going off. I showed them the pure blackness when I shut off the lamp and they both flipped out. I decided that 7:30pm has to be the new bedtime for Grant when he is not taking naps. We noticed that he starts to have emotional breakdowns around 7pm every day. Also I told them that they are not allowed to get out of the bed tomorrow morning until they hear the music on the alarm clock playing. This will end the 5 am waking. If they try to get up, I will put them back in their room until they understand the new rule. I'm setting the alarm for 7am. I am so sick of getting jumped on or smacked in the face in the morning after a night of fighting terribly exhausted children to go to sleep. Right now they are both flipping out on Ted in the other room and I am sitting here typing tying to stay out of it. It is so hard to sit here and leave poor Ted in WW111 all alone. They are both screaming, "I WANT MOMMY!" If I go in there then they will get their way. They never want Ted. That is bad for the both of us. Imagine how bad that makes him feel, especially because he really is a loving daddy when given the chance. Then think of how bad it is to always have to be the one to solve every issue, every time, hold both of them if they are crying even if it is at the same time...it gets so crazy. Today I had either some kind of flu bug or I am just emotionally and physically exhausted. P.S. I may sound bitter, but this is my blog. You don't have to read it. Only 7 people do anyway. I am not forcing you to come to this page so....um....I want to say something and Amber, Kelly, Lucas and Ted all know what it is but for once I won't say it! AWWWW! It hurts so badly! I just yelled it out loud so I wouldn't write it! :-P


"The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain." ~Colin Wilson

Pee Sheets

Common experience shows how much rarer is moral courage than physical bravery. A thousand men will march to the mouth of the cannon where one man will dare espouse an unpopular cause. ~Clarence Darrow, Resist Not Evil

Sorry, Only quotes on days when I'm so tired my eyes won't stay open. It doesn't mean I don't have soooooooooooo much to talk about, you will just have to read about it later.
Good night, I'm off to my soft bed and my pee soaked sheets.

What am I suppose to learn about today?

I think a person can make a day worse than it really is due to our own attitude regarding the issues at hand. I find it hard to actually feel that opinion on some days though. I find a distinct division in my life between what I know and what I feel. (I.e. I know it will get better, I feel it could never be better again.) Today seemed to be an extension of feelings and all the loss we endured yesterday, yet some things seemed to become laughable in my disbelief of certain situations. The $50 ball trampoline I bought for the boys that I thank God for everyday, popped...I knew it would. It was only a matter of time. It keeps them busy and gets so much of their energy out that I panicked for a moment. While trying to get Jake ready for swimming lessons I needed to keep them busy enough to not start WW111 or worse so I looked for Ted's DS. I found it! Thank God, I turned it on went to pull out the stylus and it wasn't there. I had recently bought a Star Wars game for Jake because there are certain times when keeping him busy become a vital situation. I figured he could just look at it and stop screaming for a moment so that I could think. Suddenly Grant flips out and complains that he never gets anything so I go find Ted's iTouch and set him up on it. Now they both flip out because they want to make sure the other one doesn't have anything better than what they have. I never wanted to have such spoiled children. They really have no idea how lucky they are and it drives me mad. I think about it often and never take action to teach them anything about it. Instead I do what most desperate Mother's do and I pacify them to survive. Now I am trying to find Jake and my swimming suits and I discover them lying on the floor of the laundry room (if you don't recall, it flooded yesterday). The water today is pure rust colored and there is actual sediment that settles in the water. (I saw it in Jada's dog water dish). It smells so contaminated. Our swimming suits are stanky...stained and soaked. Oh, well, it was time to go solve their next screaming issue in the living room. Grant was then flipping out on Jake because Jake threw Daddy's DS. Jake has been throwing things constantly lately out of anger. He seems so filled with anger and I can't figure out how a 2 year old gets so angry. I check the DS and figure out that he is mad because the battery is dead. I look for the charger, no luck. So, Grant let him have the iTouch since Grandma came in on her angel wings to save the day again and he was going to go with her anyway. They left and Jake continues to get ticked off with the iTouch and I hear a loud bang as Jake has just thrown the iTouch against the window and says, "I don't like it!" This is his favorite thing to say. The iTouch looks broken, I about cried, but I realized that it just need charged also. Jake and I flew out to the car and I waited as little "ME DO IT!" has to open his door, climb in the car, into his car seat and slip almost all of the way into his seatbelt before you can help him. He will cry for an hour or more if you physically force his body into the car yourself. It was the last day of swimming lessons at it was 10am already. Lessons start at 10 and only go until 10:30. It takes about 8 minutes to get across town, five minutes to get inside and undressed and by then we would be half-way thru his lesson. We went anyway. I'm glad we did. He really does swim well on his own. He won't let me touch him in the water either. Come to think of it, I can't really think of much he does let me do.
Awww crap...I am just blabbering and I really have a point today.
At lunch I realized we had no water in the house and I couldn't even use the well water to cook with and I had already started to cook. I then found a half drank bottle of water from my workout yesterday and used it for the soup instead! Yeah, I did that...I really did that! I know I'm nasty to use that water. Oh, well, they will live. So, after about 50 more tantrums before 1pm (naptime) I decided to put Shrek in because we all needed to lighten the mood and laugh and we all three laugh really hard at Shrek. I put the movie in and the DVD is scratched so bad it won't play; now both of them burst into tears. I said out loud "God what is it that I am suppose to learn about today. What am I not getting? Please show me." I sat down and held both of my crying and exhausted boys and it hit me. I don't ever spend any time with them. I mean, I'm here....but I am not HERE! I never sit down and play pretend anymore. We don't make our tents or make the stuffed buddies talk anymore. We don't make up obstacle courses and imaginary worlds. We don't make up songs or dance or even read. We just get through the day. I would be one angry/sad kid too if I was having a childhood like that. So, I made a choice. I hid the DS, the itouch, the leapster and turned off the TV. I told them we were going on an adventure and they should follow me. We went downstairs and played and they were so happy. They didn't fight, compete, throw fits, cry, etc. They need me. I need them. I had fun just being present. I want to live like a kid again. I don't want to take the amazing wonder from the boys of their childhood. It only lasts for a moment and then they will be Daddy's wishing they could be at home building tents with their little ones. I learned today that nothing is more important than my job as Mom. I'm not that good at it. I often want to call in sick to work and I sometimes wish that being a good Mom meant getting to sleep until 9am, but, it is what they need. It isn't about me anymore. It is about them.

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

Winnie the Pooh

I'll be quiet

I'm going to listen. To you.... Better make it worth it.

Let some air out, you are going to pop!

As I sat on the kitchen floor with my head buried into my hooded sweatshirt and sobbing, I desperately tried to muffle my sobs from the boys as they played only feet away. The more I tried to stop the harder the sobbing poured out of my body. You know the type of sobbing you did as a small child when you couldn't breathe and your body shook with each gasp? It was that kind of sobbing. Who died you ask? What horrific tragedy played out in my life today to cause such drama? Our gold fish Gibby died. So, there is obviously more to this story than a simple goldfish, I just find it so amazing that the human soul can take so many beatings and then something smaller happens and we crumble.
Ted came inside from taking out the garbage and heard me I guess. I heard footsteps come to me and a strong embrace held me so tight I felt protected from my own sadness for the moment. He knew why I was crying. I had been working hard all day cleaning the house, I don't mean your typical cleaning either, I mean your, "the owners are coming to visit and I don't want them to think for a moment that we are not grateful for their rent-free temporary home"! Plus if they are coming home, I want them to feel that wonderful feeling one feels when they walk into their home after being gone for a long time. We love them and we want them to be happy. I have had a hard time keeping up with cleaning with two small boys who are not in school and a husband who is a police officer with a very uncommon schedule. Anyone who has met my children knows that they are high energy and I spend all day everyday trying to keep two steps behind them. Being in-between homes is very difficult on a family anyway.
I have been having problems with the washing machine and well-water and to make a long story short I have had to wash clothes in the bathtub too many times to mention. We have been instructed not to drink the water, brush our teeth with it, and bathe the children in it... basically chaos. I have been trying to keep my head up about it though. When the laundry room floor flooded this morning I decided I'd had it and we were going to get another washer and dryer. I wish I knew the best rated washer/dryer by consumer reports without having to subscribe to the magazine.
There were some hurtful comments coming from every person I encountered today, and I wondered if I should have just put ear plugs in at one point. I am extra sensitive to comments about my abilities to handle what everyone else "lies" about handling.
The tears were not all about pure sadness, overwhelmed emotion, loneliness, the washer or Gibby.
I decided to buy Grant one of my three favorite children's movies/stories the other day and I watched it with him today while also rocking Jake for his nap. The movie was The Velveteen Rabbit. It is the Family 1 Film version made in 2008. It is one of those movies that you won't forget. I promise you. BUY IT! WATCH IT! SHOW YOUR CHILDREN! (Particularly this version)
It may seem as if I am bouncing around here and there but, just keep reading and you will see how it all comes together. In the movie the little boy reasonably begins to cry. His mother has died and his father is leaving him with his grandmother of which he does not know. His father promptly tells the boy, "No tears!" I quickly seized my teaching lesson for Grant.
"Oh that's not right to say!" I quickly piped.
"Why?" He asks.
"It is never wrong to cry. Some places are better than others. The best places to cry are the places where people love you. If you are with people who love you, there is nothing better for the soul, nothing better to get all the mad and the sad out than to have a good cry."
He listened. I wasn't sure if he really listened enough to carry it on but he listened.
The movie went on and there was a part where the Grandmother seemed extra grouchy...bitter, hard, cold...I can't really find the words for her...maybe sort of like a sponge.... hard and brittle when dry, but put it in water and it is soft and smooth when wet. She had potential. I know some people like her. I know some sponges. Anyway, Grant asked me why she was so grouchy.
I said, "Well, sometimes, people think they need to keep everything inside. Like all of their thoughts and their emotions and anything they need or want or like. Sometimes they don't ever tell anyone what bothers them. Then as time goes on all of those emotions fill up inside like air fills up a balloon."
I asked him what happens if you put too much air inside of a balloon that was only meant to hold a little air.
He told me that it pops.
It told him people can kind of "pop" too.
Then I said "what happens when you are blowing up a balloon and it accidentally goes flying out of your mouth and shoots across the room?"
He said, "It makes a funny noise and I gotta start again."
I asked him, "So what is better on the balloon?"
He said, "not popping!"
So, I told him that he should remember to let his air out sometimes so he doesn't pop!
He asked what people do when they pop. I said, "it is different for everybody, but it is really hard on your heart and your brain. Sometimes people yell, or hit or hurt themselves or someone else with their words or their bodies."
He is so smart. He really gets it.
We had the movie on pause for awhile. By the way, this was this first of two times we watched it today. He got quiet and just looked at me. He said something I thought was very interesting, "sometimes when I cry I feel kind of like I do when I have to wear a pull-up at night...bembarrassed." I hiked up my soap box pants and took my proper place on top of my well worn soap box to say the first installment of many more of these comments:"
"Grant, in your life I want you to remember that a strong person is somebody who can admit when they are filled with too much air and they feel like they are going to pop. They are not just strong, but they are smart. A weak person keeps everything inside fills all the way up with air, doesn't tell anyone, doesn't ever let a little air out to go flying across the room...then they pop. Do not ever let anyone tell you that crying or sharing your emotions is a bad thing. Tell them about the balloon and how you don't want to pop." He laughed and I felt like a good Mom for the first time in a very, very long time.
In the movie of course there is a velveteen rabbit that the boy daydreams comes to a cartoon-state-like-life every day. The boy truly loves that rabbit and it reminded me of how much I loved my stuffed animals as a little girl. Grant has his own buddy and it has always been like his very own velveteen rabbit. "Thomas" the hippo, is loved more than a hippo could ever be loved. I won't spoil the end of the movie, but at the end, the boy says through giant tears, "You were right rabbit, love makes us real." I looked over at Grant and watched as his tear soaked faced was smooshed up against Thomas's face. He was blurry to me because I was looking at him through tears myself.
Now let me take you back to Gibby the fish. Gibby was the last of the goldfish, Spencer was the first to go. Two days before that one of the pet frogs, (Sam), had already died. After Spencer and Sam, Grant screamed at me "What didn't you do right Mommy? Why did you let them die? Why didn't you save them when they were dying?" I know he is just 5, but it hurt really bad to hear it. I hated to get the pets because I knew this would happen and I always get too attached to everything. I worked so hard and did everything perfectly for the pets. I feel often like I fail at many of the things in my life, and I often get comments supporting that theme from many of the people in my life. I think we all feel this to a certain extent. If we didn't we wouldn't ever keep aiming higher or ever trying to do better.
So I slowly watched all day as Gibby slowed down, then began to fight to stay on his belly, then I watched as he tried to stop from rolling over. I watched him struggle and there was nothing I could do to save him. All I could think about was Grant's voice and the tears in his eyes, when I would have to tell him about Gibby. So I took one last look at Gibby looked him the eyes as his gills were slowly beginning to stop moving and I said "I'm so sorry I couldn't save you either Gibby. Please forgive me..." I shut the tank light off and walked over to the kitchen sat down on the floor and began to cry.
After Ted held me the boys came over because they heard me crying and all three were hold me on the kitchen floor. Grant wanted to know what was wrong and I told him that Gibby died and I was sorry and it was all my fault. I told him I couldn't save him. He said, "It’s okay Mom, you still have the frogs!" Before I laid him down for bed tonight he said to me....
"Mommy, I'm really glad you let some air out so you didn't pop."
Love, tears, letting a little air out and flying across the room makes us real.
SEE THAT MOVIE!

School of Graduate Studies - Kinesiology | Western Illinois University

School of Graduate Studies - Kinesiology | Western Illinois University: "wellness promotion and fitness management"

Went for a run

I was able to go for a quick run yesterday somewhere between chaos and chaos and Ted being awake and Ted being asleep. How was that for a sentence!? Anyhow, I ran outside and it felt great. It was the first time I was able to run outside using my new iPod. For years I would run as a meditation and thought clearing process. As a result of this process, I felt like I needed to be running with a notebook or better yet, a voice recording device. I always run to a rhythm. This beat under my feet causes me to to rhyme my thoughts. I come up with masterpieces in my head. I always have thought if only I had been able to save those thoughts and remember them enough to write them down I could publish something powerful someday. Publishing it would be one of my greatest accomplishments. If I was satisfied and I liked what I had written, (not caring what others thought about it), then I would possibly have the best accomplishment of all...self-worth. So, thanks to my husband, the iPod is now just more than a soundtrack to my meditation, life and creations, (lets not forget my time-out device- yes, I am a 30 year old woman who still needs time-outs); my iPod has the greatest feature I have ever wanted! I can do voice recording while I am running. I recorded two things yesterday. It is so exciting. I have more than the usual motivation to run now,(i.e. loving it, getting away, etc.), I have a chance to actually create something lasting. Something that lasts longer than the affects of running, and don't get me wrong, those affects are long lasting in themselves. Now, all I need is a chance to run...I want to be able to run at 5 am every morning, but that won't happen unless I can find a babysitter willing to come to my home and sit on the couch while my children are sleeping until about 5:30 or 6am. I just need 1 hour in the morning and I could be set all day. It is just totally impossible to find a babysitter willing to come to your home at 5am in the morning. I'll keep thinking...

Fireproof

I am watching a movie called fireproof and doing the workbook that goes along with it...it is powerful to me...

Without Words

Someone recently told me something I did not want to hear. It made me realize how little the people around me really understand me. That is not their fault though, it is my responsibility to teach them. I have been working on talking less, but I made no promises on writing less....It is hard to teach others about me so they can understand without talking. How do you share without talking? How do you comfort without a comforting word of assurance? How do you ever experience the true joy of a compliment if a person has never insulted you before? Why must I only speak superficially with you? Are you afraid I might see the real you? Do you like you? When you are alone and no one else in the world can see you but God, do you like who you are? If you want to tell me something, but are hesitant because it "may" hurt my feelings, then you also say you don't care if anyone is mad at you, then aren't you actually lying to yourself....and me...? Honesty hurts sometimes. There are a million right ways to tell someone that you disagree with them. I obviously need to learn them! I don't want you to hurt, I want you to be honest with yourself. When you are a million years old and taking your very last breath with your family all around you, will you say, I am so glad for all of the times we shared, or will you say, I am sorry for all of the times I was not there for you? P.S. I really am not sure who I am talking to. It seems I have a mixture of emotions from a million different conversations. I'm just venting again. Opps! :-)

Weeding my Garden

Weeding My Garden
My garden is full of weeds
guess I better start pullin'
can't plant more seeds
Everybody has their own needs
- Joanna's Book of Poetry

My Life List

My Life List
I think this link is a good start for those who need encouragement from others to accomplish their life goals, but personally, I just like the good old pen and notebook plan. I did one, but it just seemed to stiffle my thoughts a bit.

NO PEEING IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM!

I am typing through tears of laughter. My stomach hurts so bad and I have no one to share the hilarity of this moment with. I just stopped Grant from peeing in the laundry room only to follow him while he was sleepwalking into the bathroom and watch as he peed into the trash can! I would have stopped him, but I couldn't stop laughing so hard to stand up and focus on the matter at hand. Dear God, we have another sleepwalker in the family. My family has too many of these stories about me and now I fear for Grant, yet at the same time look forward to the humor it will cause. When I stood up, I started to pull off his pants to put a night-time preventative pull-up on him and suddenly he looked at me with these really confused eyes. I said, "well, hello there Grant, do you know that you just peed into the trash can?" He laughed a nervous laugh and said, "no I didn't!" I showed him and he began to laugh even harder. He walked into the living room laughing, crawled into the recliner, and fell asleep mid-laugh! So funny. Wish I could have gotten it on video tape. I should have known when he came out of my room about 20 minutes after I laid him in my bed for the night. When Grant hits the pillow he does not move and wake up if you were to stand on him. Trust me Jake has tried it. If he does wake up he is either sick and he is about ready to throw up (rare), or he is sleep walking. This is why he now sleeps in my room. I should put a bell and an alarm on him. Luckily, I am a light sleeper, so I can tell when he does anything abnormal. Unfortunately he also grinds his teeth like a chainsaw. I wish he didn't inherit all of my weird-isms! Let's all hope that he doesn't drive in his sleep or try to convince me to take him to school at about 3am in the morning. Those are just two of the stories I have with a lifetime of sleepwalking. I also get a kick out of him when he talks in his sleep. He is always saying something he would never say while he is awake, (i.e. excuse me sir, that's quite alright....") Oh Grant, u are so sweet when you are asleep!