House Rules

"My theory is that the hardest work anyone does in life is to appear normal."
~From the movie Ed TV

Uh oh, here it comes. Emotion, sharing....can you handle it...I'm even going to admit how messed up things are right now. I'll do it for you. I understand most don't feel the need to admit their faults.
Sleep schedule's in this house and any schedule for that matter have gotten so irregular and abnormal with the move, Ted's schedule change, Jake's independence, Grant's growing out of nap time, and simply just chaos, that I have resolved to make a change today. What really set me off was a combination of some rather embarrassing moments on my part lately that made me realize my cluttered and unacceptable ways. Yesterday I thought it was Tuesday and didn't realize the day until 8:30 am when Grant's preschool Y-Tots program begins. I rushed him out the door apologizing to him the whole time so he would be certain to know that it was not his fault that I was so cluttered. We made it to school by 9am, and I felt so bad for him. On Jake's last day of swimming lessons we were so late we only actually spent 15 minutes in the pool. The other day I paid a $3 late fee at the library. We have never made it to Sunday school before 9am (when it begins). Tonight I was so embarrassingly late to my Bible study I fought back tears the whole time I was there. It is so ironic that one of my major pet peeves is people who are late. I think it is so disrespectful and you can tell a lot about a person by their presence or absence of chronic lateness. Late fees make me want to cry. If I miss an appointment I do cry. When I am late I profusely apologize. I find it funny (not really) that if my family with whom I grew up with realized my chronic lateness or missed appointments or late fees they wouldn't believe it. They wouldn't believe that I could live with myself. I can't! I live with that constant knot in my throat where I am about to cry. People (mostly Ted's family and the people who have only known me in the last 10 years) probably genuinely think I am a total cluttered mess naturally. They don't know who I know I am. I know how wonderful and clean and organized I am when I have the time to do it. I started thinking about the load that we all carry the other day and I realized that my load isn't like anyone else's load. I'm going to quit comparing my lack of ability to stay "on top of it all" to women who work or women with husbands who are home when they are...They will never understand. There are too many things that I deal with that they could never imagine. I also challenge anyone to raise my two boys with Ted's schedule, and the pure chaos we live in. You would all have been gone within a week, or even a couple days... It occurred to me that I just need a day to catch up. I have decided to get a babysitter two days a week. I will not feel guilty for all of those of you out there who feel that stay-at-home Mom's shouldn't use a babysitter two days a week. I actually am proud of myself for the idea and happy about the possibility of coming up for air.
Tonight we put the boys to bed and shut off all of the lights in the house. I left a lamp in their room on. I put meditation music on a CD player, and told them if they got out of bed the lights we going off. I showed them the pure blackness when I shut off the lamp and they both flipped out. I decided that 7:30pm has to be the new bedtime for Grant when he is not taking naps. We noticed that he starts to have emotional breakdowns around 7pm every day. Also I told them that they are not allowed to get out of the bed tomorrow morning until they hear the music on the alarm clock playing. This will end the 5 am waking. If they try to get up, I will put them back in their room until they understand the new rule. I'm setting the alarm for 7am. I am so sick of getting jumped on or smacked in the face in the morning after a night of fighting terribly exhausted children to go to sleep. Right now they are both flipping out on Ted in the other room and I am sitting here typing tying to stay out of it. It is so hard to sit here and leave poor Ted in WW111 all alone. They are both screaming, "I WANT MOMMY!" If I go in there then they will get their way. They never want Ted. That is bad for the both of us. Imagine how bad that makes him feel, especially because he really is a loving daddy when given the chance. Then think of how bad it is to always have to be the one to solve every issue, every time, hold both of them if they are crying even if it is at the same time...it gets so crazy. Today I had either some kind of flu bug or I am just emotionally and physically exhausted. P.S. I may sound bitter, but this is my blog. You don't have to read it. Only 7 people do anyway. I am not forcing you to come to this page so....um....I want to say something and Amber, Kelly, Lucas and Ted all know what it is but for once I won't say it! AWWWW! It hurts so badly! I just yelled it out loud so I wouldn't write it! :-P


"The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain." ~Colin Wilson