Oh church why must you make me feel stuff

I don't know if it is me by nature but something about being in church is so powerful to me. As a teenager and child growing up in church I always felt like church was an extension of home because the church I was raised in had a church family that was so loving, supportive and accepting. It felt so natural to me. After I left for college I couldn't find a place that felt like my church family at home in Seaton. I love the music. I love when the person playing the piano stops and giggles "oops, let’s try that again!" as they start over and the congregation smiles at the realness and human condition of it all. I love it when someone in the congregation pipes up when the minister is reading or singing something we don't have in our bulletin. I love the laughter at the silly parts, the "AMENS" at the great parts, the enjoyment of the children, (no matter what they do), during the children's sermon. I remember the mothers' with the reddest faces had the cutest kids. I guess they didn't see it that way. Now as a mother with my kids in the front of the church, I understand the heat of the blood as it crosses my face when my boys "are real". I wish they made me laugh as much as they make everyone else laugh in those moments. I love the aged faces, and especially the ones that look and sound like my Grandma and Grandpa. There is a man that looks like Grandpa in my new church. He chuckles likes he did. He talks to everyone like he did. I just want to run up and hug him. Maybe he keeps mints in his pocket just like Grandpa did in church :-) For now Arline is my main mint supplier during church.
The new church is the closest I have ever felt to the church back home. At the end of the service the minister always asks for anyone who feels moved to do so can come to the front of the church and share their desire to join this church family or simply share how God has moved them in their lives. It says in the bulletin that you can change your church membership by letter and the church family will welcome you in at this part. Someday I want to do that. Deep down I long for the past though and feel as if I would be abandoning the little church in Seaton Illinois that changed my life and always stood by my side. I know many of those people are gone even though the church still remains. Some of them are still there today though. I guess the best part of family is when they watch you turn into who you are going to be, hug you and send you on your way. If I ever did walk to the front of this church and transfer my membership I'm afraid I might bawl like a baby in front of everyone. I feel like I am beginning to find a place of belonging again and I long for Sunday each week. I already know what I will say when I do it though, "Thank you for helping me find my way home. Thank you for being what I have been looking for. Thank you for being the place I will raise my children, so that they may have the wonderful experience of growing up in a church family as loving, supporting and accepting as I did at Seaton Center Presbyterian Church in little Seaton, IL." I can't do it until I can say that without crying.

Sharing can cause fear and resentment

I admit it...I overshare. Quit telling me about it. I don't see it that way. The true reason I ever tell anyone my opinion is not a cry for help. I am not at the end of a desperate rope. I HAVE been before. I've always felt like people should tell others when they have uncommon situations or feelings, for the people out there who are at that place. It isn't fair to pretend that we have it together all of the time. I don't care who you are, you are lying if you say you do. If you say you make mistakes or you need help you are NEVER weak. I believe with all of my heart that a person who has the strength and ability to power through this life is the one who can stand up and say..."I don't have all of the answers and I need help with _____". How easy would it be to never admit you faults or ask for help in times when you truely need it? This is who I am. I am happy about that :-)

Grandpa's Song- By Christy Lane

When my Grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer in the 1970's my Grandpa one told me that it would come onto the radio every time he would drive Grandma to her radiation treatments, and after her mastectomy and recovery as well as the following check-ups. In early November before he passed away in May of the following year he called me out to is truck to play a song in his CD player of his new truck. It was this song. He told the story again-like he had a million times before. This time was different. He was felling terrible and he knew things weren't good. While he was there he told me about how much he loved Grandma. I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget this song.

I'm only human.
I'm just a woman.
Lord help me believe in all I can be
And all that I am.
Show me the stairway that I have to climb
And Lord for my sake
Teach me to take one day at a time.
One day at a time sweet Jesus
That's all that I'm asking from You.
Lord give me the strength to do every day what I have to do.
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine.
Lord help me today show me the way one day at a time.

Now do You remember when You walked among men?
Well Jesus You know if You're looking below
It's worse now than then.
Pushing and shoving violence and crime
And so for my sake teach me to take one day at a time.

One day at a time sweet Jesus
That's all that I'm asking from You.
Lord give me the strength to do every day what I have to do.
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine.
Lord help me today and show me the way one day at a time.

Lord help me today show me the way
One day at a time.

I printed this on the back of a t-shirt one time. It got all faded and now I can't read it. I'm going to do it again. Then I'm going to wear it everyday.
Cheers!

Filled Up That Lonely Space

Filled Up That Lonely Space
By Joanna Reinhardt-Anderson
There is a place right by me no matter where I go
It's empty, quiet, lonely, and bare
I hated that space for so long
I thought that if we were together why should I feel so alone?
But that spot sat there holding its own, being so selfishly empty.
How could I be so lonely around so many people?
How could I be so lonely with my empty place filler?
I found myself so very far from what I have ever known
and realized that I wanted to go back home
A deep longing inside my heart made me feel like I needed to go
When I opened the doors of the church and stepped inside I couldn't speak
For so very long I had been a runaway and now I had found my home again.
I found my way to a pew and calmly sat and slid into
I never for a moment realized that my spot was not sitting with me.
It had no place beside me as God was sitting in its place here.
I didn't feel a loss or a sense that something was missing I soon remembered
upon that spot it had been sitting was the place in my life I had saved for my faith
A place I felt empty without; so displaced and even replaced
Yet, I was the one who filled my spot with my nothingness as I journeyed into my adulthood
I thought that I was meant to fill it with other things
I thought I was meant to fill it with conditional loves, and passing interests
Yet, now I know why I was so lonely no matter where I would go
My spot and me sitting there and I was wondering why that empty soul didn't care...
It was all because I had left it there.
This place for God in my life is much more solid than anything else. It wasn't as if God wasn't there for me if I didn't see.
I was more like me forgetting that there is a place for him right next to me and I will share it happily.
He never ignores me, blows me off, leaves me alone in my darkest hours.
Now that I finally figured this out, I can sit alone in a group of people and feel surrounded or next to my husband as he sleeps an feel interesting and appreciated.
I feel like I can carry a load that I never knew I was able to carry.
As these days carry on and my feeling of being overwhelmed and invisible, i wish anyone I love to never be as lonely as I have been.
You should never have to feel without God while he is sitting right by your side.
It simply was a moment in time that I forgot that God was mine.

Little Girl Lost in Thought

Gentle breeze, slightly hot; little girl lost in thought

Picnic table, old tin roof; a mile from loves greatest proof

Great acceptance, loving grace; so much to offer in this place

Farmers spray, mowers trim; she really wants to be like him

Jolly soul, working hard; see him pull into the yard

Little church, loving people; all the heart beneath this steeple

Baseball field, faces beam; only girl on the team

Cousins so fun, off on a run; playing in the hot summer sun

The best French toast, hearts to mend; a grandmother who is my friend.

Teenage girl lost in thought; Worried about all the things she’s not

Strong beliefs, standing tall; not sure pain is worth it all

Fitting in, lots of fears, covering her shoulders with the tears

Daily pep talks, picking up; remembering a half full cup

Dreaming big, ambitions soars; life has opened many doors

Eighteen years, lost in thought, trying to hang on to all he taught

Me and Papa, stop for a treat; moving my things in the heat

A new home, scary newness; I wasn’t ever ready for this

Turned around, all alone; he had already left for home

Tiny ant, world of giants; came to fear the awkward silence.

Exercise: morning, noon, and night, thought it might help me fit in right

Better body, bigger chest, not sure why I wanted to be like the rest

Found a job saving lives, turned my focus outside my eyes

Ambulances, CPR, Emergency medicine,

Learned blessings in life are not about living with or without sin

Studied hard, never pleased, felt like my time was under siege

A life path filled with choreography leaves no room for you to be free.

Many majors, many goals; very few end up climbing out of these holes.

Picking jobs, planning your voice, why must there only be one choice?

Young woman, lost in thought, wondering why her most resent love was lost

Turned around, saw him there; deepest eyes and the darkest hair

In this bowling alley, he was there, can you really know so fast that a love was meant to last?

Secret phone call, nerves astound, often brought me to the ground.

First date was enchanting, second and third were more outstanding

Fell in love fast and deeply, gave my heart and soul completely

Sour patch kids, juggling, climbing trees, He was the missing piece of me,

In the park, a with a gazebo, music playing, lights and ring

On his knee, felt so right, it is does as I type tonight

This poem needs so much work and I want to add a few more stanza’s but I should be working on my to do list instead. This is simply a work in process, I just thought I would post some of it now. Anyone who knows me knows that by showing this unfinished and cluttered (rhythmically and chronologically), knows that I must be working on this wonderful concept called, “Letting it go”

Life is a race, don’t wanna win; all that means is it’s the end

Crazy kids, loud and hyper; I couldn’t change another diaper

If not for the dark night, we would not see the stars

I have decided to end my facebook account. I am not depressed. I am not filtering out of society. I just hate the endless comparisons I hold against myself. I am a different sort of soul; this we all know...I really just need an outlet to write. I have a passionate personality and do admit my romantic view on the world. I disagree with most major issues. I don't really ever feel kind of one way or another about any issue...I feel it totally and passionately. I don't know how to NOT tell people how I feel. Yes, this is a double negative Dan.

It has almost been a year since my pre-cancer appeared. I never had to have any chemo and the surgery should have taken all of the "pre-and cancerous" cells. Yet, out of fear and delusion I never went back for a check-up to make sure that they got it all. I live each day hoping that I haven't made a great and deadly mistake. I know most of my family and friends are unaware of this stupid move and I really have no explanation for this insane game. I have recently began to allow these fears to creep back into my thoughts and things have began to change my perspective. Yet, unlike my glass half-full perspective since March 31st, 2009, I now have a glass that I repeatedly spill. "No crying over spilled milk you may say", but what about no crying over a loss of hope?

I lived for months with such a great perspective and attitude. I felt as if this "pre-cancer" was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I felt it was the door to actual appreciation of my life. Four months after a radical hysterectomy I ran a race and placed fourth in my age division. I was amazed. I had gotten back into running and my spirits had been lifted once again. The boys were at such fun ages and just looking at the miracles that I was able to have before I lost the ability to have children again made me feel touched by God. The best summer followed, with family vacations, traveling, adventures in the back yard and on the farm, laughter, running, love, blessings, thankfulness and so much more. Jake turned 2 years old and Ted and I had our 7 year wedding anniversary. We were gifted 3 acres of family land that Ted and I have dreamed building on for 10 years. We started the process of selling the some in which we first raised our children for 5 years. We sold our home quickly and moved into a home of dear family/friends that reminds me of a large log ski cabin in Colorado. They live and teach temporarily in Hawaii and love to have someone to take care of the home and property. This temporary home in itself is a dream home to Ted and I. We ultimately dream of being on our three acres in the country to grow our orchard, pumpkin patches, blueberry patches, gardens, raise sheep, cattle, chickens, and for Grant (All the shelter dog and cats, but we will see about that). Grant wants a tree house with a wheelchair ramp, even though we don't know anybody who uses a wheelchair:-) Jake told me he wants a "bombine"(combine), although our crops will not yield enough to use such large equipment.

So we recently sold our home after being on the market for only one month. We are now in contact with the many people involved with the process of building a home. Our dream is well on its way.

So, what the H**L is my problem? I have all I have ever wanted, I talk to my beast friend everyday. My children are healthy. My husband has a job. What is it about the human condition that so quickly allows us to lose the appreciation for the blessings we promise ourselves to never take for granted again? Is it fear? Insecurity? Lack of faith? The crappy winter months? Spoiled and unacceptable behavior? What it is that has me sad? Why doesn't running help my mood? My quote for today: "If not for the dark night, we would not see the stars."

Today's prayer: Dear God, Please help me to hold my blessings dear to my heart. I thank you for them all. Guide my heart to a happier place and attitude so that I can really appreciate what you have given us. Amen

Venting

I honestly wonder what it is about my personality that makes it physically impossible to keep my feelings inside. I have begun to feel as if I over-emote to compensate due to the general population and a standard of under-emoting. I think that loneliness also leads to over sharing when someone finally comes around to listen. I find myself in a constant state of wonder when it comes to balance and sanity in other peoples lives. Is their house a disaster when they don't expect company? Are their dirty dishes piled high.? Does their laundry overflow? Is there an odd smell coming from random places inside the home? Does it seem that they feel as if they can not ever catch a break.? Is this a concept that only parents of small children feel? Is this a concept that only people who have prioritization problems face? Is this something I am failing while the rest of the world stands back and wonders how I can be so bad at my job? If only I had one thing I was doing well at, maybe I could use that self-esteem to accomplish all of those other failures.
Tomorrow will be a better day.