Casting Crowns - American Dream

"American Dream"


All work no play may have made Jack a dull boy

But all work no God has left Jack with a lost soul

But he's moving on full steam

He's chasing the American dream

And he's gonna give his family the finer things



Not this time son I've no time to waste
Maybe tomorrow we'll have time to play

And then he slips into his new BMW

And drives farther and farther and farther away

So He works all day and tries to sleep at night

He says things will get better;

Better in time



And he works and he builds with his own two hands

And he pours all he has in a castle made with sand

But the wind and the rain are comin' crashing in

Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands

His kingdom stands



His American Dream is beginning to seem

More and more like a nightmare

With every passing day

"Daddy, can you come to my game?"

"Oh Baby, please don't work late."

Another wasted weekend

And they are slipping away

'Cause he works all day and lies awake at night

He tells them things will get better

It'll just take a little more time



He used to say, "Whoever dies with the most toys wins"

But if he loses his soul, what has he gained in the end

I'll take a shack on the rock

Over a castle in the sand

Now he works all day and cries alone at night

It's not getting any better

Looks like he's running out of time


'Cause he worked and he built with his own two hands

And he poured all he had in a castle made with sand

But the wind and the rain are coming crashing in

Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands

His kingdom stands



All they really wanted was You


All they really wanted was You


All they really wanted was You

Here Jo Goes

The following was written on Wednesday, November 17 th. 2010:
I'm leaving tomorrow for a faith retreat called Tres Dias (three days with God). I'm excited in that horribly terrified and nauseous kind of way. My sister-in-law and brother- in- law have been involved in this retreat for quite some time now. Every year they ask their family members to go, I have been hesitant in past years due to health issues, pregnancies, having babies to take care of, and plain stubbornness. I had a hard time ever wanting to leave the boys for such a long period of time. They are both old enough now that I know they will be fine if I am gone for five days.
The house plans have appeared to become hopeful once again- but I'm not saying anymore b/c I don't want to jinx it. We made some major cut-backs in the design due to the company making major changes in the last year and we had some serious talks with the builder. So maybe all is not lost in that area...I hope.
I am feeling like this retreat will be the perfect "something" for the perfect time in my life. I keep hearing the lines of this one song in my head- "If you want to be somebody else...change your mind." Although I have also been hearing the lyrics to the Taylor Swift song "Mean" and a song by a band called Nickle Creek entitled "Doubting Thomas". I sware if it were possible to have a continual sound track to our lives I would have no problem finding the songs to fit the moments in my life. If I were able to memorize everything else the way I can memorize song lyrics after hearing them one time- I would be,.... well....brilliant.

At least I'm not denying it ;-)

Wow- I must have issues with myself. I woke up to a very vivid and clear dream of me dedicating this song to myself and then singing it, (with passion) to myself. Well, that's it, I'm officially now the enemy ;-p
Taylor Swift "Mean"
It's a song on her new CD- there isn't a video yet or as usual I would hook you up to the you tube official video.
If you have a sense of humor you could appreciate the humor in it- if you are already concerned for my sanity- well, I apologize as this will be signing my certificate to nut-ville. Remember- we are all crazy- we just don't all admit it.
BTW- I love the new CD- I highly recommend it. Well, unless you are a raging optimist and then well-
"I'm sorry your call is important to us, but all of our customer service employees are currently on the line with other customers. Please hold on the line until we are able to help you. Once again your call is important to us.....we just want to weed out the people who have serious concerns with those who are calling over petty little issues- as we know that no sane person would sit and wait for half an hour to tell us something as petty as some issues could be....right? Well, unless you have real anger issues and then I seriously hope you get my colleague as I can only hand being yelled at once a day. I only do this job because I have to for crying out loud...."
Took it too far didn't I?

How can this be?

Our house plans fell through today. We are stuck. I feel lost. I fear for my family. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Where do we go from here? I suppose there is a fine line between wanting more for your family and wishing for the unlikely. I pray for my husband to have peace in this. I hope he understands that even with this hit we are still a family and we don't need a dream home to make that dream come true.

Favorite Things Update

Lately I have been finding new things that have added quality to my life and as I have done before- thought I would share them with my readers. Even if no one reads them it’s nice to see the things I do enjoy in writing- in case I forget!

1) Wii Just Dance 2

2) Raising Hope

3) Fixing farm equipment by myself without having to ask for help- so satisfying

4) Ripping in a straight line- (some people call it tilling- my Dad calls it "ripping" or "tearing it up") In Dad's defense, we are a no-till farm to the best of our ability. But since corn has been planted in some of the fields for a couple of years in a row and has not been altered with beans like it had before- the nutrients need to be brought back up to the surface.... So, yes, we are doing some slight tilling.

5) Garlic infused olive oil

6) Annie's organic food products (haven't found one I haven't liked yet!)

7) New, sharp, unbroken crayons

8) Dressing in a costume- you can be anyone you want- (I would think that acting must be very personally gratifying)

9) Lunch with my Grandma- by myself- no kids- no one else, just me and her and secret conversation

10) Chatting online with my brother- if that's the only way I we converse these days I will soooooooo take it. I miss him in my life in the cheesiest way. How do you say to someone- hey- “I love talking to you so much that it hurts when we don't talk”? How do you say that and not sound like an idiot? Well, I guess I just said it didn't I? I'm not sure anyone else can make me laugh harder than him. Even when we are chatting online I am laughing so hard I'm crying- Ted was watching me do it last night and chuckling at the oddness of it all. I would pay for one day of Dan singing Jewel (perfect pitch), dancing the "Danno", making up pinky and the brain lines, doing physical comedy that in my opinion is so much better than Jim Carey and mastering sarcasm. Okay maybe even picking up a piece of ham and slapping me in the face with it.

11) Sarcasm- it really stinks when people don't know that I'm being sarcastic- it's rare but it happens. When sarcasm falls through it leaves you looking terribly ignorant. But when you can be around people who are also sarcastic and share your sense of humor- it is bliss!

12) My favorite blanket in the morning when it is freezing cold and the boys run over and crawl under it on the couch if even for only a couple minutes before we have to get ready.

13) People who smile at me

14) People who say what needs to be said- when it needs to be said

15) People who stop bullies in a non-violent way (how admirable) - I don't understand how anyone can ever defend the concept that violence should be dealt with by returning violence.

16) People who stand up for others

17) The people who make the right choice when no one is watching- like returning a $20 bill to the service desk in the store, or upholding your end of a contract and not trying to find your way around it and justifying your actions, giving anonymously...

18) People who treat their friends kindly, compassionately, and build them up- and never tear them down (I personally am so very lucky in this area)

19) Honey- The boys and I have a habit of wanting a spoonful of honey in the afternoon- odd but true. There is a local guy who makes the best local honey. I've never tasted better honey.

20) My North Face jacket now that I put all of the ski patches all over it. It seemed that everyone in this town had my "lucky jacket" and it was mostly the college kids. I just wanted to be different. I also felt like wearing a North Face jacket just because it was stylish was a bit clone style. Over half the people who wear those jackets don't even do outdoor sports. I got mine because I have skied since I was 8, been a ski instructor when I was 16 until I was in my twenties, and skied in various western resorts. I love to ski. I swear I'm not a poser. So, I had to make it show. I decided to sew patches from ski resorts on my North Face jacket kind of as a statement. Pretty sure about 2% of the population will even get it. It doesn't matter though- the jacket feels better now. I love it. It once again makes the jacket my "lucky jacket" again and that's good enough for me.

It's for them- that is why- and that is my answer.

I have addressed the issue before, but with a resent conversation with my mother I feel I need to make a clarification. Or maybe I just need to say it over and over until the people I love finally get it. Many people don't like to admit when things are rough in their lives. Many people don't like to admit what they feel are their "faults"- whether others agree with those faults or not. Many people want ONLY to talk about the good, the happy, the wonderful, and the hopeful. I am not that person. I love to talk about those things when they come gracefully into my life. Yet, I will not lie about what I am and what I deal with.

There are different opinions on this reasoning. For instance, some people believe that to leave yourself open for more judgment, (in a society where many only wish to tare you down), is only asking for assumptions on who you are as a whole person....without taking anything else into account. That is a school of thought that I understand. I understand it; yet, I am prepared to deal with the judgment that my sharing may bring. I am also prepared to deal with the e-mails I get that thank me for saying the things they wish they could have the courage to say. Or that they wish they could find the words to say.... Is it odd that I don't feel embarrassed to admit my faults? Or is this whole process just an admission that I am human?


Then the there is the thought that I will never gain respectable employment due to my honesty with my life issues within this blog. I must first say- I don't go around handing out this blog address, (while I am not ignorant enough to think they cannot find it.) The type of employment I am seeking to gain is not a political official- and to be quite frank (as if I know any other) - maybe the political candidates should be as honest about themselves as I am. I am speaking and addressing moral issues. I address issues about integrity, faith, trauma, depression, conviction, regret, self-doubt, family, hopes, dreams, and the odd but true....most importantly I use my life as an example. I use my failures as examples. My entire reason for this blog isn't to preach but to leave a record for my boys about my life. I want them to know how strong and passionate my feelings were for the things I stood for. I want them to know just how imperfect I was. I want them to know how okay that really is...and I want them to know that being imperfect will still make them lovable, admirable, and most of all, I will still be most amazingly honored to be their mother. My brother once told me that making the tough choices in life- the choices that were the least favorable and the one's that may cause the most painful repercussion (no matter the certainty in their correct path)....the people who make the right choices still knowing the adversity they will face- well, that is what separates the courageous and the heroes from the rest of the people....I'm trying to make heroes here.

It isn't about me and the opinions about my frank statements...If my life is nothing else, I am a mother, and I will stand for this path even though it isn't a popular one. I am going to wear down the trail so that the boys can see where I have walked and they won't get so many dang chiggers. So that is my answer....

Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option

I wrote this post and saved it in my drafts long ago...It was written on 11/1/2010.
I'm confused. So, I will just stand still ....right? No movement. I'm just going to fade into the wall for a moment and chill. God, I am trying to listen and open my heart and mind but I can't seem to get it right. What do you want me to do? Where do you want me? What a trying time. I am coming out of hopelessness though and into confirmation that not only will this pass, but I will be stronger for it. Stronger like all of the other times in my life when I thought I was built too weak to sustain the immense pressure. This time it flows from all of the areas of my life and I think that must mean I simply need to stand back and observe for a moment to figure out what is going on. Maybe it just is what it is. I hate that saying, but what if I simply look at the facts and add no personal judgement or emotion to the picture of my life right now? Eventually something has to give right? Hopefully for the better right? It's rocky down here on the bottom. It's hard to find a place to rest comfortably.
I wrote this a few days later: (you can tell)
Do you ever daydream about what you would have done had you not done what got you to where you are now? Okay- read it again...slower, it really will make sense if you read it slowly and process it. Well, I spent the day in the field tilling and thinking. Here was my daydream:
I was a dancer. I was a ballroom dancer- all types, but I could do all of the styles of dance, except ballet- it annoys me. But, since you can't make a living dancing, unless you are Cheryl Burke, Max C., Chelsey Hightower, or any other insanely talented dancers, I was also a writer...a published writer. The funniest part about all of it was that I was motivated and I wasn't a procrastinator. I had insane ambition. (probably because I had self-worth and satisfaction in my life). I didn't have anyone telling me that I should just get a job at McDonald's. Never mind my degree that I gave up so much to obtain. It doesn't mean anything anymore. Everyone needs a masters degree now. I think degrees should be dissolved and all hiring should be based on written and performance based testing. I know some people who have some jobs that I could do with my eyes closed and not only do they do a bad job at them- they have no passion for what they do. It makes me furious. We all have to play the system. Everything is so fake. Come to think of it every freaking thing is so fake. You know what makes people bitter?.... Disregarding their feelings, their dreams, their desires. It's the people who don't get their needs met and are consistently ignored or emotionally, physically or psychologically abused who become so bitter.

It's easy to say that it is all about attitude and personality, but you just can't be so ignorant to think that life experiences can't change a person so much to make them bitter.
In my daydream we didn't get the house loan and I was happy about it...yep crazy I know. So, I moved back home to the Aledo area near my best friend and started Grant in Aledo School District. I ran with Amber everyday. I helped her and she helped me- we were each other's saving graces. In my daydream I went to the church in Aledo that announces my birthday and anniversary even though I have never been a member there, (it's my Dad's church- and my youth group was joined with their youth group). For real- they really do! The church I go to now here in Macomb- where I was married and Ted had been a member since the early 1990's, still doesn't put our anniversary or any of our birthday's in the newsletter. I joined that church this spring and oh how I feel it was a great regret of mine. This is only one of so many things wrong with my relationship to this church.
My daydream continued with the excitement of getting to raise my kids with my best friend by my side. I had her to run with and keep me going... She would come to dancing classes with me because her and I used to dance in high school. We would pull out our guitars and practice until we could play really well. I would make all of the birthday cakes and she would make Halloween costumes....
But then I came rolling back into reality....dreadful reality. Ted won't ever leave Macomb. Maybe he will just have to visit us in Aledo:-p We are suppose to be building a house...wait- we have been trying to build this house. All signs point to pull out. The whole thing is making me not trust anyone in the world. It is become more than a family can handle and I am done dealing with a builder who changes his story every day. This family land means too much to me to be playing games. I feel like people are juggling with our livelihood and as they drop each ball they say, "oops, sorry... hope that wasn't too big of a deal!" "well, yes you inconsiderate jerk, it was a big deal, it is only our entire future. We don't have a home right now. We are giving time for the appraisal and as soon as it comes back we will make our decision. I am no longer going on good faith anymore. Everything the builder tells me will now be put into writing and then signed my him. Mama's claws are out and I am in a corner- I'm ready to pounce. That's right we all know I'm feisty- but y'all haven't seen anything yet!