I wote this when we were still trying to get our house disaster worked out... As you can tell I simply lost it!
Now I get why Grandpa was so adamant about me being a financially stable woman before I started my family and got married. I'm moving to New York to become a Radio City Rockette, or to Hawaii to join Mel and Judy, or Colorado to ski, or anywhere but here....
We all know I won't but I will keep on dreaming.... After all home is where the heart is and if my heart is with my kids then anywhere is wherever there are.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The death and reserection of the Grandpa plant and other beautiful masterpieces.
Right before I left for Tres Dias in November, I was taking care of my house plants. I love my house plants and have taken pride in my ability to keep them alive in the chaos of my daily life. I barely feel as if I am alive most days, but I can look around the house and see the dozen of houseplants I have taken care of for over a year and they are a reminder that life can sustain with little. Give them water, sunlight, some change in location every now and then, a bit of plant food every month and fresh soil every four months- and they will prevail. Yet, this last fall one night there was an early frost on a night I left the plants on the back deck. I was worried that all of the plants would have died and I immediately grabbed them off the deck the next morning and went to work trying to save them. As the days followed it became clear that all of the plants where going to lose some leaves, but for the most part they all were going to be fine. Yet, another couple of weeks passed and one of the most valued plants I owned, (a plant given to our family at my Grandpa Melton's visitation/or funeral), began to lose all of its leaves and turn brittle. I came to the resolution that I had lost the plant. I was terribly sad and almost grieving for it. I found myself still trying to make the plant "come back to life" just in case it had gone into some sort of dormant state. I kept watering it and I added plant food to the soil and placed it in the best sun location in the living room. Grant wanted to know why I was working so hard on the dead plant. I explained the significance of the plant and since he knows the relationship I had with my Grandfather he also began attending to the plant. I watered my plants the day before I left for Tres Dias and I remember looking at Grandpa's plant and feeling such a deep pit of loss in my heart. I left it and moved on to this amazing and life changing trip. The whole time I was gone I felt more alive than I had felt in years. I felt as if God had saved the right time and place for me to stumble upon a moment in which my heart was ready to accept this faith rejuvenation and this reconnection and in someways an introduction to our Lord that I had never known. I will spend forever trying to express the value those three days placed into my life. I remember a moment at Tres Dias when I had suddenly realized something that I had never felt before. It was so powerful it melted me into a gushing ball of tears and emotion. My sister(in law) was holding me and I realized that another part of when and where God wanted me to feel and understand those things was right there at that moment and right next to Kara and while she held me up. I have never cried such bittersweet tears in my life. I could have filled a bucket. But-here comes the best part- I was forever changed and my heart was tore open wide and I was alive. It was raw, powerful, necessary, healing and planned my whole life.
When I got back from Tres Dias I was so happy to see the boys. When I walked into the house I saw the container that Grandpa's plant was in but what was growing out of it was a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. I knew instantly that Grant had decorated the dead plant- I can tell his decorating style. He likes to decorate everything. I was shocked and so amazed that when I left I saw a dead plant and when I came home it looked so alive. Another week went by and I watered the plants in the house. I couldn't help myself and I also watered the container with the decorated dead plant. The following two weeks I did the same thing when I watered the other plants- and laughed when it came time to feed the plants as I poured a cup full of the organic houseplant food into the container of the decorated dead plant.
A few days before Christmas, Grant and I found some more ornaments and we were trying to find a good place to hang them. We sat down by the decorated dead plant and started hanging some decorations on it. As we decorated, I moved some of the garland, ribbon and fake Christmas tree filler branches- you would never guess what we saw!? On the lowest part of the plant down by the roots were some new green leaves!
I always find it interesting when people tell stories of how they hear or see God in their lives. But, what gets me are the people who don't believe in God based on the lack of what they hear or see from God. I've never questioned my "conversations with God". Some people could argue the actual conversation part. It is nonverbal and mostly a simple understanding.
When I went to Tres Dias I was thought to be "dead" or dying in my faith- in my opinion. My connection with God was as brittle as Grandpa's plant. I was still watering it and feeding it. I went to church, prayed and talked to God. But, I was numb and lifeless. I went to Tres Dias and these beautiful decorations began to fly onto my body. I began to shine and sparkle and glow. I was excited to show off my shine and sparkle but worried that the dead and brittle part underneath might still be there and I might find when I got home that nothing was any different about me or my life. But as time went on I realized that I would have a piece of life poke out from underneath all my sparkle. It was in moments when just the right bible verse came into my mind when I needed it, or it was in those sad lonely or depressed moments when I heard beautiful singing and heard laughter in my mind....I heard a tiny voice say God loves you...and so do I.
It all gave me the courage I needed to take off all the sparkle and show the me underneath. I admit- I am partially coming back to life although next to the signs of progress show the dead brittle part of me I would love to break free from. I will in time. But, what is so miraculous is the fact that the transformation was much like the plant from Grandpa's visitation/funeral. The connection of the two is hard to ignore. It is times like those where I see God. I hear him say, "You may feel dead, or you may feel like there is no hope, but there is life even were you cannot see it and it will prevail if you nurture it. You must have hope-like the hope you had for your Grandfathers plant..."
When I got back from Tres Dias I was so happy to see the boys. When I walked into the house I saw the container that Grandpa's plant was in but what was growing out of it was a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. I knew instantly that Grant had decorated the dead plant- I can tell his decorating style. He likes to decorate everything. I was shocked and so amazed that when I left I saw a dead plant and when I came home it looked so alive. Another week went by and I watered the plants in the house. I couldn't help myself and I also watered the container with the decorated dead plant. The following two weeks I did the same thing when I watered the other plants- and laughed when it came time to feed the plants as I poured a cup full of the organic houseplant food into the container of the decorated dead plant.
A few days before Christmas, Grant and I found some more ornaments and we were trying to find a good place to hang them. We sat down by the decorated dead plant and started hanging some decorations on it. As we decorated, I moved some of the garland, ribbon and fake Christmas tree filler branches- you would never guess what we saw!? On the lowest part of the plant down by the roots were some new green leaves!
I always find it interesting when people tell stories of how they hear or see God in their lives. But, what gets me are the people who don't believe in God based on the lack of what they hear or see from God. I've never questioned my "conversations with God". Some people could argue the actual conversation part. It is nonverbal and mostly a simple understanding.
When I went to Tres Dias I was thought to be "dead" or dying in my faith- in my opinion. My connection with God was as brittle as Grandpa's plant. I was still watering it and feeding it. I went to church, prayed and talked to God. But, I was numb and lifeless. I went to Tres Dias and these beautiful decorations began to fly onto my body. I began to shine and sparkle and glow. I was excited to show off my shine and sparkle but worried that the dead and brittle part underneath might still be there and I might find when I got home that nothing was any different about me or my life. But as time went on I realized that I would have a piece of life poke out from underneath all my sparkle. It was in moments when just the right bible verse came into my mind when I needed it, or it was in those sad lonely or depressed moments when I heard beautiful singing and heard laughter in my mind....I heard a tiny voice say God loves you...and so do I.
It all gave me the courage I needed to take off all the sparkle and show the me underneath. I admit- I am partially coming back to life although next to the signs of progress show the dead brittle part of me I would love to break free from. I will in time. But, what is so miraculous is the fact that the transformation was much like the plant from Grandpa's visitation/funeral. The connection of the two is hard to ignore. It is times like those where I see God. I hear him say, "You may feel dead, or you may feel like there is no hope, but there is life even were you cannot see it and it will prevail if you nurture it. You must have hope-like the hope you had for your Grandfathers plant..."
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