Faith is beliving in that which you cannot see, the rest are the fillers.

The sun setting on the farm on a perfectly breezy night with all the evening sounds swirling around me deliberately grab at my senses like they always did when I was younger (at home on the farm). Being more aware of my senses has always been a blessing and a curse. I am emotional, and sensitive for myself and for other's. (I may often do this with some people that most people do not  think deserve my sympathy or any one's sympathy for that matter), OR there is also presumed rationality understood by others when I decline to provide my sympathy due to the general certainty that the person is most definitely NOT deserving of any more forgiveness and sympathy than they have already pulled from others in a seductive way. I guess throughout life I have grown to be quite guarded and protective of my senses. I had been hurt a whole lot in my lifetime due to feeling so bad for everyone- then I realized: many of those times I was wasting my pain on those who were "undeserving". I put those words in quotations because I am fully aware that I am not the judge in this life. I balance on the line of constantly wondering when I should let my heart step up and get involved. I feel like all I have is a balance beam under my feet and a blindfold over my eyes.
This part of me always seems to be shoving her way through the masses of people as she attempts to sift through a crowded concert where she, my rational thoughts,  has front row seats. I know that this life is not about me but more about what I can do while I am here, so a little discomfort to help those who have continually manipulated and caused me to become guarded...well I guess I am suppose to do that.... in this life....right?
It isn't only the sensitivity to emotions I seem to feel so deeply: there are the strong smells that I can smell that no one else can smell. I am quite sure this is why I remained nauseous throughout all of my pregnancies. I still acquaint certain smells with my pregnancies- (they were torturous). The smell if Subway is horrible to me - ginger root doesn't make me sick it just makes me flash back to the horrible times I smelled those acquainted objects or places with misery. I still can't handle certain foods, certain detergent, hospital smells, doctor offices, hand sanitiser....it all literally stinks.
I have always had an issue with touch. I notice every single time someone touches me- weather it be a hug, a brush by me in a store, a child jumping on me. Sometimes I am instantly comforted yet other times I feel practically assaulted! I find it ironic that I find massages to be a form of torture. This therapeutic method of relaxation makes my skin crawl. It is horribly creepy having someone you don't know rubbing their hands all over your body! Or we all know that one person who may think they are doing you a favor, walks up behind you and begins to give you an unsolicited shoulder massage!
I can feel seams in my socks and the tags in my clothes. Sometimes simply having clothes on drives me crazy, but I hate being naked.... so there you go- I can't be happy either way!
I still love the electricity I have always felt sent straight through me when touched by Ted- if even for a moment....if only for a quick kiss on his way or my way out the door- it's instant ELECTRICITY! There is that feeling which I can match to holding my newborn baby boys and relate to not a single thing in this world. I also love the physical feeling of my fingers touching a keyboard when I am spilling my emotions out onto the screen.
I hate my ability to hear more than others may be able to hear. I sware my hearing is magnified. I wish there was a way to do hearing transplants and I would donate some of my hearing to my Grandmother and some to my Grandfather. I have heard so many painful things said about me in my life. At times I wish I had been either clueless or hard of hearing. I despise the sound of motorcycles and diesel engines. I guess they just sound so rude in my mind. It seems as if someone does not care to pollute the peace of their common neighbor. I simply find it hard to understand. I hear every movement or sound in the house at night ever since the boys were born. It isn't a great thing- that simply means that even when I finally have the chance to sleep I can't because I hear too many other distractions.
I'm not sure what to say about my sight ability. I have contacts/glasses. Without them, if I hold an item closer to my face it is magnified. The one thing I find interesting about my sight is the constant interest I have at watching the movements and facial expressions of other people. I have been watching people cues since I was very little. My Grandfather did it when we went shopping- I sat with him because I did not like to shop either. I still do not like shopping- so I still like to watch people instead. For years I would talk to people and know they were lying to me or that something else was going on but I was unsure how I knew. There was a show that came on recently in the last couple of years called "Lie To Me" and it not only identified the facial cues, but explained them, named them and told the reasons people use them in the  first place.
I am wrong sometimes....so be it.
The last time I had a job that evoked all my senses every single time was when I worked at the Emergency Room as an ER Tech/ EMT-B/Ambulance Crew and Transfer Driver. I dealt very well with all of these things. I do miss working in this atmosphere. I remember conversations with other workers in the ER and recalling how odd it was to deal quite well considering the constant drama, yet in our personal lives we would fold under less pressure. It wasn't that I didn't have the same senses, it was my faith making a strong appearance. I have come to know the complete difference between then and now: FAITH: Believing in that which we cannot see. It should be the 6th sense. In the hospital I knew God was there. I knew he had to be or some of the things that happened wouldn't have happened. And most importantly I always felt a calm during the largest storms as if he had his hand placed gently on my back and guided my rational thought to the second row due to faith sitting in the first row and my emotional senses were allowed in but were held back a few rows to be sure they didn't interfere with the job at hand.
I will tell you a story about tonight boys as you run around outside and play on this beautiful summer evening, but first I want to remind you that you senses were placed there with divine hands to protect you Listen to them, obey them, know when to let your rational thoughts have the front row seats and when your faith needs to be there instead . Maybe you need to allow emotional thought to have the seats at times because if you don't relating to others will be difficult to you. As far as reading other peoples senses, good luck. I have learned you either have it or you don't. Just remember when nothing seems to make sense there is a 6th sense to lean upon. Faith is always there you simply are moving around it. so Grant when you feel that feeling you tell me about....know it is the guardian angels and faith you are standing next to. Don't be afraid because you are a very sense aware child yourself, and sometimes it can be an exhausting, terrifying and, treacherous road without your faith.
May you always remember to pay attention to your sense and to the senses others may be experiencing. If you can do those things your ability to empathize and sympathize will always be strong. And don't forget in our family we care about the feelings of others just as much as we do our own.
Love Always, Mom
To be continued: