What am I suppose to learn about today?

I think a person can make a day worse than it really is due to our own attitude regarding the issues at hand. I find it hard to actually feel that opinion on some days though. I find a distinct division in my life between what I know and what I feel. (I.e. I know it will get better, I feel it could never be better again.) Today seemed to be an extension of feelings and all the loss we endured yesterday, yet some things seemed to become laughable in my disbelief of certain situations. The $50 ball trampoline I bought for the boys that I thank God for everyday, popped...I knew it would. It was only a matter of time. It keeps them busy and gets so much of their energy out that I panicked for a moment. While trying to get Jake ready for swimming lessons I needed to keep them busy enough to not start WW111 or worse so I looked for Ted's DS. I found it! Thank God, I turned it on went to pull out the stylus and it wasn't there. I had recently bought a Star Wars game for Jake because there are certain times when keeping him busy become a vital situation. I figured he could just look at it and stop screaming for a moment so that I could think. Suddenly Grant flips out and complains that he never gets anything so I go find Ted's iTouch and set him up on it. Now they both flip out because they want to make sure the other one doesn't have anything better than what they have. I never wanted to have such spoiled children. They really have no idea how lucky they are and it drives me mad. I think about it often and never take action to teach them anything about it. Instead I do what most desperate Mother's do and I pacify them to survive. Now I am trying to find Jake and my swimming suits and I discover them lying on the floor of the laundry room (if you don't recall, it flooded yesterday). The water today is pure rust colored and there is actual sediment that settles in the water. (I saw it in Jada's dog water dish). It smells so contaminated. Our swimming suits are stanky...stained and soaked. Oh, well, it was time to go solve their next screaming issue in the living room. Grant was then flipping out on Jake because Jake threw Daddy's DS. Jake has been throwing things constantly lately out of anger. He seems so filled with anger and I can't figure out how a 2 year old gets so angry. I check the DS and figure out that he is mad because the battery is dead. I look for the charger, no luck. So, Grant let him have the iTouch since Grandma came in on her angel wings to save the day again and he was going to go with her anyway. They left and Jake continues to get ticked off with the iTouch and I hear a loud bang as Jake has just thrown the iTouch against the window and says, "I don't like it!" This is his favorite thing to say. The iTouch looks broken, I about cried, but I realized that it just need charged also. Jake and I flew out to the car and I waited as little "ME DO IT!" has to open his door, climb in the car, into his car seat and slip almost all of the way into his seatbelt before you can help him. He will cry for an hour or more if you physically force his body into the car yourself. It was the last day of swimming lessons at it was 10am already. Lessons start at 10 and only go until 10:30. It takes about 8 minutes to get across town, five minutes to get inside and undressed and by then we would be half-way thru his lesson. We went anyway. I'm glad we did. He really does swim well on his own. He won't let me touch him in the water either. Come to think of it, I can't really think of much he does let me do.
Awww crap...I am just blabbering and I really have a point today.
At lunch I realized we had no water in the house and I couldn't even use the well water to cook with and I had already started to cook. I then found a half drank bottle of water from my workout yesterday and used it for the soup instead! Yeah, I did that...I really did that! I know I'm nasty to use that water. Oh, well, they will live. So, after about 50 more tantrums before 1pm (naptime) I decided to put Shrek in because we all needed to lighten the mood and laugh and we all three laugh really hard at Shrek. I put the movie in and the DVD is scratched so bad it won't play; now both of them burst into tears. I said out loud "God what is it that I am suppose to learn about today. What am I not getting? Please show me." I sat down and held both of my crying and exhausted boys and it hit me. I don't ever spend any time with them. I mean, I'm here....but I am not HERE! I never sit down and play pretend anymore. We don't make our tents or make the stuffed buddies talk anymore. We don't make up obstacle courses and imaginary worlds. We don't make up songs or dance or even read. We just get through the day. I would be one angry/sad kid too if I was having a childhood like that. So, I made a choice. I hid the DS, the itouch, the leapster and turned off the TV. I told them we were going on an adventure and they should follow me. We went downstairs and played and they were so happy. They didn't fight, compete, throw fits, cry, etc. They need me. I need them. I had fun just being present. I want to live like a kid again. I don't want to take the amazing wonder from the boys of their childhood. It only lasts for a moment and then they will be Daddy's wishing they could be at home building tents with their little ones. I learned today that nothing is more important than my job as Mom. I'm not that good at it. I often want to call in sick to work and I sometimes wish that being a good Mom meant getting to sleep until 9am, but, it is what they need. It isn't about me anymore. It is about them.

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

Winnie the Pooh