Gran't eight years

Dear Grant,

Hello to year number 8. You have grown so very much. I have seen your height shoot up in this last year and we spend so much money on clothes and food to keep up with you. Yet, you are still skinny as a rail and finding slims in size 10 is difficult. The most dramatic change that this year has been the desire you have to become the best "you" that you can be! I watch your faith grow and as it grows, more and more questions arise about what you read in the Bible. I love your questions about the Bible- I have always thought that to be a true believer and living proof of God you must question your faith. It is in those questions you find the amazing truths. 

You have gone from reading children's books to reading chapter books. You are a very fast and focused reader. 

Math is very easy to you. 

Science enchants your very soul. 

Your love for animals is growing day by day. You want to be a Zookeeper and travel the world finding animals who need to be in a safer environment than the wild. You have taught me so many things about animals I never knew! 

You are an amazingly patient big brother, and with slight embarrassment I must admit you have more patience for Jake at times than I do. I love that you and Jake have secret clubs all over the farm, 

I love watching the honest love for your cats, and my heart breaks every time I see the pain in your eyes when you lose a pet. The tears you cry for each of those pets shows your loving compassion for all of God's creatures. 

I admire your ability to stick with a project until you have finished it. Although sometimes your amazing focus becomes irritating when I am trying to get you to focus on something else. 

You run at an amazing speed and it have to admit when I first saw you running that fast my jaw dropped! 

I love how you compliment me when I am feeling so very poor about myself. You lift me up and I hope I also life you up just the same.

You are artistic, creative and imaginative and athletic! I mean how cool is it that you make balloon animals, do origami  and can do flips and round-offs better than most girls your age. I've seen you climb trees in a matter of seconds.And though all of these compliments to you- you wouldn't ever say that you were good at any of them. Why? Because you are modest and humble like your father! The eight years with you have been a course in how to better my own self.. You give me hope that you will continue to be the shining light and happy soul that you have always been...God did grant us with a gift like no other...We love you Grant!.

Love Always,

Mom

If I had three wishes...

Dear Boys, 
Of course, if I had three wishes I would wish for a lifetime supply of wishes...but my very first three say the most about me and I would like to think they may say the most about you. 
Maybe this is a bad time to write this blog entry considering you, Grant, have just asked me 12 questions in a row....10 of which were the very same question. Oh, you little stinker! I would love to use one of my wishes for you to have had to go to school on Thanksgiving Break! On some days keeping you two boys busy is like running a business! I'm not saying that I want you to go away, but please dear child simmer down now!
My very first three wishes are quite complicated. Yet, I know first and foremost they would involve you two boys.

Wish #1: CHARACTER: I want the very most important things in your life not to be things. I also want this for myself and your father. I want for you to care more about how you treat others and express empathy/sympathy and kindness than getting the perfect score on a test or in a game. I also want this for myself and your father. If you focus on those things it will be utterly surprising how simple the rest will fall into place. Be VERY slow to anger and listen more than you speak. I also want this for myself and for your father. Family is more important than work, yet to support your family you must work, so finding your balance will be vital to a happy marriage and setting a great example to your children. I also want this for myself and for your father. Always remember "PEOPLE are more important than things".

Wish #2: HEALTH: First you must know the definition of health. Since I know a bit about this area I can remember the definition from college as it was repeated over and over again...."Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity." I wish for you both to remember that everything you put into your body affects your entire being in some way. It may not be immediate but it will affect it eventually. Science cannot, at this point in time, even know what some of the things we do, eat, or use in our lives will result in at later times. Currently the number one killer of both men and women is heart disease. Although I do believe that lung cancer his quickly coming upon the two. You have genetic history on both sides for heart disease and you both already have tastes for things that make me cringe. Grant- if I ever see you take a bite out of a stick of butter again I think I will have a heart attack myself!
But, I must apologize to both of you for setting such a terrible example for exercise. Back when Grant was little, (2-4, and the years before we had children), Daddy and I were very active when I was able and not pregnant :-). Daddy and I love to lift weights and run. We would do it everyday if we had the chance. The problem is that statement I just made: "If we had the chance...." We always seem to find the time to do the things we really care about. So look at it this way: Nothing else I love to do can be fully enjoyed if I don't first take care of the very thing that allows me to enjoy those things. What happens to our cars if we don't change the oil- the engine burns up and the car becomes useless. You can replace an engine, you can't replace you. You can fix some health problems but why ever get to the point of having to fix something that you knew how to take care of in the first place. You will hear me say this a whole lot: "Most doctors spend their time on tertiary care (fixing what's broken- i.e. high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, etc.) than on patients who are coming in for primary care (preventative medicine, i.e. check-ups/ physicals, mammograms, colonoscopies, blood work, etc.) Never make an excuse to put health on the back burner...because just as I said for the affects of kindness- the rest will fall into place. The times when Daddy and I remain the most focused, happy and healthy are times when we make time for exercise. Right after my diagnosis and radical hysterectomy I began to lift my muscles, slowly at first and then I was able to run, we played soccer in the back yard. Do you remember those days that summer...they were the best days of my life! Soon thereafter I was lifting and running like I had been born again. I entered a race and placed forth! All I could say was "Thank you God that I found my disease so early and didn't have to have chemo or radiation!" I was so amazed that I was in the best shape of my life only 4 months after a major physical and emotional change in my life. I wanted more children, but all I could think of was how lucky I was to be healthy for the two blessings that I had...YOU! While we were building our new home in the country, we let the stress and anxiety from the whole experience deter us from our exercise routine. We will get back soon so you will have a chance to witness the example rather than  the common theme of : "do as I say and not as I do." :-)
Since I feel that faith is a major part of your health I have to mention the importance of your faith in God. As annoying as it sounds to you or maybe it won't (you may not be like me and go through the rough patches in faith that I have had)- finding a church family that you feel at home with is such a vital part of your spiritual health. After years of trying to figure out my faith walk, I now find it to be such an important role in my psychological, and emotional health as well. You may struggle finding a place that shares the same beliefs you have or a place that accepts your passion or excitement for new and exciting changes (if you are at all like you mother). But, don't let it hurt your relationship with God- he isn't the one who is causing the drama....you will figure this one out in your own time. I know how I have raised you...you understand already. God loves us all the time.
Grant you have a beautiful connection and appreciation for the things that we know are there yet cannot see. It has come easy to you ever since your imaginary friends and their extended family came to live with us. ;-) Yet, that is not so easy for everyone. Jake you have conviction like nothing I've ever seen. Well, that's not true, Daddy has that conviction. Yet like your Daddy, trusting in those things you cannot see are very difficult for you. You worry about things that have not yet happened and you can't see that there is someone to catch you when you fall. You both (Daddy and you) need to remember that you are never alone. Faith is a light in the dark. If both of you boys could somehow combine Grant's ingrained and solid faith in God with Jake's conviction to the things he loves, wants and believes- you two would have an unbreakable faith and understanding of God. This is another of the thousands of reasons you two need each other. You fit together like a puzzle.

Wish #3: LOVE AND SELF-LOVE(ESTEEM): I know I can talk to you about love but when it comes to self-love I will feel much like a hypocrite. You won't be hearing me claim that I have figured any of the complex equations yet in all of my 32 years... I simply will not claim a lie so huge! I never have quite figured out why I have such problems with liking who I am or having "self-esteem or self-worth". I have a default button that always seems to take me right back to negative thinking. I don't know what I ever did to myself to make me not like me so much, but wow it must have been pretty bad because I don't think me, myself and I have ever gotten along. I pray you discover the clue to figure out this complex situation. In case it matters to you- I not only love both of you, but I love you to the end of all time...and we all know that time will never end! 

Oh, how I have so many thing to tell you about what I have learned in this life I simply must take the time to live in this life as well so those stories and lessons must wait for another day and time. I am going to go wrap your Christmas presents right now!
Love and Blessings,
Mom

That's Important to Me

That's Important to Me: "Album Number Two"
Not planning our day around a TV set
Paying our bills and staying out of debt
That’s important to me
That’s important to me
Openin’ the windows and lettin’ in air
Holding hands when we’re saying a prayer
That’s important to me
Yea, that’s important to me
Having somebody to share my life
Loving my husband, and being a wife
And the very best mother I can be
That’s important to me

Telling the truth, and being real
Feeding my family a home cooked meal
That’s important to me
That’s important to me
Planting a garden and watching it grow
Keeping it country on the radio
That’s important to me
Yea, that’s important to me
Always having you to hold,
Being beside you when we grow old
And they plant us ‘neath that big old tree
That’s important to me
Always having you to hold
Being beside you when we grow old
And they plant us ‘neath that big old tree

Believing our dreams will take us somewhere
Still bein' ourselves if we ever get there
That’s important to me
That’s important to me
Yea, that’s important to me
That’s important to me
That’s important to me
That’s important to me

My (Joanna's) Tribute to Joey and Rory's song "That's Important to Me"
Raising two boys with love and respect
compassion and honor with undying trust
This is important to me
Loving my husband and hangin' on tight when the ride gets rough
knowin' our strength will get us through more than enough
cause it's important to me
This is important to me
Putting my time in the things that matter
and spending the rest just doin' my best
cause it's important to me
Remembering my friends and the love they have shown
they never gave up or left me alone
in my darkest hour
in our darkest hour
The times they picked me up off of the ground
brushed of the pain
and they would do it all again
cause I'm important to them
They are important to me.
The family that raised me to be who I am
stands back and watches all of my plans
I hope they are happy-I hope they are proud
This is important to me.
This is why God made me
This is why it's so important to me.

A love like that

Dear Grant and Jake...and Daddy too: This is not written to you this time...it is about you. You are my favorite conversation topic. All my love, Mom
I've been walking, more like watching my life in the slowest of constant motion. Yet, something has changed; something very important has changed. I can see my blessings as if they glow. It feels supernatural to finally have clicked the right button and for this moment in time to be able to comprehend the pure and insane bliss my life can bring. I'm not working much, and I spend a whole lot of my time in reflection. There is so much silence, the kind of silence that screams at you when at first you don't recognize it! I have been quite depressed in the past six months; feeling sorry for my lack of constitution...or success rather. But when the boys are around it is beginning to fade. I'm laughing again like a little girl at the silliest of things. The boys make me feel like I have flashed back to another time in my life, the time life was free of so much internal and external judgement. The time I was their ages. I remember being five clearly. I remember being eight with a crisp clarity. One day I heard my voice above all of the screaming silence..."What are they going to remember about this time? What will they say about their childhood? Will they laugh about how crazy and silly all four of us are when we are together in those fleeting moments, or will they remember me getting sick so frequently? Will they realize that I was so desperate to be there for them that I gave up on a whole lot of what I thought i wanted in this life, only to find I didn't give up anything? Will they realize that their Dad is the most loving husband anyone could ever have? When his lack of public displays of affection are confusing...secretly in our conversations, when he holds me with conviction... I wonder if anyone else will ever have a Love like that. Will the boys know how much dedication and sacrifice it takes to be a father and a husband but to find a wife who can appreciate what they giving?" Lord, I hope they are everything their Dad is, without the self-doubt.
*Success*: you and I need to have a conversation...! I don't like the feelings you have imposed on me about your implications. You are wrong. I am highly successful.  I have what it takes to show my children what they need to know without scarring them. We know have to have family conversation at the dinner table, and giggle the whole time. We r not just a little family God blessed us with...we are friends and a secret club.
And to all of my regrets about the road I have traveled: "I am more than the choices I have made." I know how to explain why what I tried didn't work at times and how to fix it...in their terms.
Grant and I have been talking an laughing so very much lately. This is what he needs. This is the love language he speaks. Jake and I have been cuddling and I listen more to what he says to me now because I realized his love language is affirmation and touch. ...And the love I have for them, well, I can only hope they will have a love like that someday... If they do, my heart will dance.

"Sometimes I color inside the lines, it really depends on the picture"~ Ramona Quimbly

Coming from a personal perfectionist this statement is intriquing like opening the door to the unknown for the first time.
Sometimes I'm a scribbler.

More than your senses can comprehend

Dear Grant,
I know you think I am hard on you, but I love you more than the senses can understand or comprehend... I am constantly trying to help you reach for the stars. The problem is that you have no aim for the stars at this point in your life so you see me as someone taking personal attacks upon you. Oh you amazing child, I hope you someday realize how much you are capable of and how sweet your compassionate heart truly is. I hope you see how much your brain can hold, your heart can open up, your faith can reach out, and your soul can balance... I do love you "pun-kin"!
Love,
Your "mean Mom" ;-)

Harsh Truth in a Lovely World

I have been struggling lately boys. When I struggle I often search out the reason and discover the truth behind it all so that you may learn from my mistakes. If there is one thing I am certain- you will makes mistakes. It is how you handle yourself in the face of those mistakes that will set you apart from the rest of the world. I have spent my whole life trying to figure out how to restructure my responses to take accountability and change my behaviors once faced with mistakes. As a child, I went through times when I responded to my mistakes much like a certain four year I know. In order to avoid disappointing or angering adults I would lie to cover myself...so, my mother tells me :-) The problem with this approach is that you lose trust and it completely hinders your moral and ethical development. The next step I took in my development was to admit to the wrong-doing simply to avoid conflict weather I was the person who needed to apologize or not. The problem with this approach is that it damages your self-esteem and crushes your self-value. I am now on a teeter-totter between this approach and the one where if you simply do the "crime"- you fess up -and "pay the time". I haven't mastered this last approach which leaves me in an awkward position where I find myself "telling on myself" out of sheer guilt. The main thing I know...is that I am never far from reviling the truth and sometimes maybe too much of the truth. I fear I overdo these things in my desperate attempt to help you understand accountability and humility. Everyone is out there everyday and making mistakes...if not many mistakes. I have never been one to get into very much trouble and if I do it was often related to direction from my mother. Please understand that I see that as a valued part of my life. If your mother and/or father cannot help you (yes, even into your 30's), you might be missing the most honest and pure truths behind who you are. Some other family members may criticize, but you have to know the difference between what is meant for your well-being and separate that from what is their own personal gain from the "take down". Some people just need to feel as if they are above you or soothe themselves in the fact you have been weakened by their selfish "take down". It is a harsh truth in a lovely world. I hope that makes sense. I don't want to scare you into pessimism, I simply want to save you from the unfortunate places in which I sometimes find myself.

Peace

The top of the grain bin on a smmer evening...PEACE!

8/16/2010

A Pivitol Time

9/26/2010
I think I've finally reached a point in my adult life where I can go to sleep at night knowing I stand for the right things. I say this understanding that it doesn't mean that the choice to stand for these things is easy and without pain, suffering, conflict, outcast, judgement and struggle. Yet, the comforting factor in all the grief is the knowledge that I now understand and believe that I have more people who love me and are on my side in my life than those who do not/are not. I find myself wondering what other's think about in those brief moments between wakefulness and sleep. Do they worry, race among their thoughts, tune out the thoughts with TV's, music or medications, smile at their blessings, desperately pray for God's guidance, desperately pray for God's forgiveness, desperately cry out their appreciation to God....? I suppose I have done it all. One thing I have always found hard is to simply let the difficult and unacceptable situations go. I can't seem to rest when anything in my life isn't something I would stand for. I have these convictions. I don't know what about me has made my convictions and beliefs so strong, but they take on a life of their own. If something in my life is happening that I find to be completely wrong and I am associated with it, I feel as if I owe it to myself, my husband, my children and the rest of my family to remedy the situation. The longer it takes, the longer I go sleepless. If I cannot stand by something I am involved in with a dedication, conviction or self approval stamp, I feel I am not walking the talk. I feel like I am a liar. I feel like I am telling other people it is okay to break conviction with exceptions. The interesting thing is that I never seem to judge others as harshly as I do my own self. I suppose that is to ones benefit when looking at the whole picture. After all there really is only one judge right? Jake. Just kidding. God....
My faith is in a pivotal time. In months past I remember waiting all week for that one place where I felt no judgement and complete acceptance. Now I dread the place all week long. In the past couple of weeks I have asked myself some very tough questions:
Do I stand for what goes on inside (actually outside of) of the church I attend? Do I want to raise my children in a church family that supports things I find to be unacceptable? Then I realized. The church and the people in the church are wonderful. That hasn't changed. I have meet such amazing people in our church. Their stories and their lives are the examples that I want the boys to learn from. Like any community, there will be some people that I might not understand. There may be some people I need to give more forgiveness than others, more patience than others and more prayers of understanding than others.
I simply find the whole situation to be slightly impossible. I looked at my aging grandparents today as they sat here for Jake's birthday party and wondered to myself what wisdom they would offer in a situation such as this. I wondered what piece of information Grandpa Jake would have told me. He was able to show me many times when I was growing up how to hang on to my dignity while dealing with a situation so potentially explosive. But, watching someone so capable as compared to how I react must be quite a sight.
I have been wondering about the concept of praying a lot vs. praying every now and then. If I go to God asking for support with my clarity, strength in my convictions, and the ability to make the right words come out of my mouth to fix the situation....will it make any more difference if I pray for this throughout my day or scattered prayer without any regularity?
 In those moments where my mind and soul dance around with the permission to grant me the acceptance to sleep- my mind runs through the checklist of talks that I should be walking and convictions I should be holding. In those moments does a simple prayer really fix me? Should it be the override to my internal conflict. I know the answer. God is my answer-I guess what I want to know is why can't my mind let it be the answer. I have a need for an immediate resolution before I fade to sleep. I simply must realize I am not the judge after all.

I'm not who I was or who I will be...

I was viewing all of the unpublished blog drafts in my account lately and I realized that I am doing the boys a disservice to hide those posts that I was, at one time , (and still may be) a bit embarrassed to feel. Yet, I started this blog for them and I soon hope to take advantage of the publishing feature they offer since I would like to take the blog and the boys lessons in a newer direction. Before I have the blogs printed into a book for them to read I thought I would share those entries I was hiding from you all, the boys and most likely myself. So in the following days, remember to look at the very top of each blog entry to see when I wrote the blog. Blogger will post the date you have posted the blag and not the day it was written. Remember we all change in time and I simply am not who I used to be. In some ways you will see that I am the "Jo" you know. But, one thing you find out is that I have had many roles and many masks to protect that fragile soul I have protected at times in my life. Hear this song before you begin to read:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1ZgtCRO-KY

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was