Let some air out, you are going to pop!

As I sat on the kitchen floor with my head buried into my hooded sweatshirt and sobbing, I desperately tried to muffle my sobs from the boys as they played only feet away. The more I tried to stop the harder the sobbing poured out of my body. You know the type of sobbing you did as a small child when you couldn't breathe and your body shook with each gasp? It was that kind of sobbing. Who died you ask? What horrific tragedy played out in my life today to cause such drama? Our gold fish Gibby died. So, there is obviously more to this story than a simple goldfish, I just find it so amazing that the human soul can take so many beatings and then something smaller happens and we crumble.
Ted came inside from taking out the garbage and heard me I guess. I heard footsteps come to me and a strong embrace held me so tight I felt protected from my own sadness for the moment. He knew why I was crying. I had been working hard all day cleaning the house, I don't mean your typical cleaning either, I mean your, "the owners are coming to visit and I don't want them to think for a moment that we are not grateful for their rent-free temporary home"! Plus if they are coming home, I want them to feel that wonderful feeling one feels when they walk into their home after being gone for a long time. We love them and we want them to be happy. I have had a hard time keeping up with cleaning with two small boys who are not in school and a husband who is a police officer with a very uncommon schedule. Anyone who has met my children knows that they are high energy and I spend all day everyday trying to keep two steps behind them. Being in-between homes is very difficult on a family anyway.
I have been having problems with the washing machine and well-water and to make a long story short I have had to wash clothes in the bathtub too many times to mention. We have been instructed not to drink the water, brush our teeth with it, and bathe the children in it... basically chaos. I have been trying to keep my head up about it though. When the laundry room floor flooded this morning I decided I'd had it and we were going to get another washer and dryer. I wish I knew the best rated washer/dryer by consumer reports without having to subscribe to the magazine.
There were some hurtful comments coming from every person I encountered today, and I wondered if I should have just put ear plugs in at one point. I am extra sensitive to comments about my abilities to handle what everyone else "lies" about handling.
The tears were not all about pure sadness, overwhelmed emotion, loneliness, the washer or Gibby.
I decided to buy Grant one of my three favorite children's movies/stories the other day and I watched it with him today while also rocking Jake for his nap. The movie was The Velveteen Rabbit. It is the Family 1 Film version made in 2008. It is one of those movies that you won't forget. I promise you. BUY IT! WATCH IT! SHOW YOUR CHILDREN! (Particularly this version)
It may seem as if I am bouncing around here and there but, just keep reading and you will see how it all comes together. In the movie the little boy reasonably begins to cry. His mother has died and his father is leaving him with his grandmother of which he does not know. His father promptly tells the boy, "No tears!" I quickly seized my teaching lesson for Grant.
"Oh that's not right to say!" I quickly piped.
"Why?" He asks.
"It is never wrong to cry. Some places are better than others. The best places to cry are the places where people love you. If you are with people who love you, there is nothing better for the soul, nothing better to get all the mad and the sad out than to have a good cry."
He listened. I wasn't sure if he really listened enough to carry it on but he listened.
The movie went on and there was a part where the Grandmother seemed extra grouchy...bitter, hard, cold...I can't really find the words for her...maybe sort of like a sponge.... hard and brittle when dry, but put it in water and it is soft and smooth when wet. She had potential. I know some people like her. I know some sponges. Anyway, Grant asked me why she was so grouchy.
I said, "Well, sometimes, people think they need to keep everything inside. Like all of their thoughts and their emotions and anything they need or want or like. Sometimes they don't ever tell anyone what bothers them. Then as time goes on all of those emotions fill up inside like air fills up a balloon."
I asked him what happens if you put too much air inside of a balloon that was only meant to hold a little air.
He told me that it pops.
It told him people can kind of "pop" too.
Then I said "what happens when you are blowing up a balloon and it accidentally goes flying out of your mouth and shoots across the room?"
He said, "It makes a funny noise and I gotta start again."
I asked him, "So what is better on the balloon?"
He said, "not popping!"
So, I told him that he should remember to let his air out sometimes so he doesn't pop!
He asked what people do when they pop. I said, "it is different for everybody, but it is really hard on your heart and your brain. Sometimes people yell, or hit or hurt themselves or someone else with their words or their bodies."
He is so smart. He really gets it.
We had the movie on pause for awhile. By the way, this was this first of two times we watched it today. He got quiet and just looked at me. He said something I thought was very interesting, "sometimes when I cry I feel kind of like I do when I have to wear a pull-up at night...bembarrassed." I hiked up my soap box pants and took my proper place on top of my well worn soap box to say the first installment of many more of these comments:"
"Grant, in your life I want you to remember that a strong person is somebody who can admit when they are filled with too much air and they feel like they are going to pop. They are not just strong, but they are smart. A weak person keeps everything inside fills all the way up with air, doesn't tell anyone, doesn't ever let a little air out to go flying across the room...then they pop. Do not ever let anyone tell you that crying or sharing your emotions is a bad thing. Tell them about the balloon and how you don't want to pop." He laughed and I felt like a good Mom for the first time in a very, very long time.
In the movie of course there is a velveteen rabbit that the boy daydreams comes to a cartoon-state-like-life every day. The boy truly loves that rabbit and it reminded me of how much I loved my stuffed animals as a little girl. Grant has his own buddy and it has always been like his very own velveteen rabbit. "Thomas" the hippo, is loved more than a hippo could ever be loved. I won't spoil the end of the movie, but at the end, the boy says through giant tears, "You were right rabbit, love makes us real." I looked over at Grant and watched as his tear soaked faced was smooshed up against Thomas's face. He was blurry to me because I was looking at him through tears myself.
Now let me take you back to Gibby the fish. Gibby was the last of the goldfish, Spencer was the first to go. Two days before that one of the pet frogs, (Sam), had already died. After Spencer and Sam, Grant screamed at me "What didn't you do right Mommy? Why did you let them die? Why didn't you save them when they were dying?" I know he is just 5, but it hurt really bad to hear it. I hated to get the pets because I knew this would happen and I always get too attached to everything. I worked so hard and did everything perfectly for the pets. I feel often like I fail at many of the things in my life, and I often get comments supporting that theme from many of the people in my life. I think we all feel this to a certain extent. If we didn't we wouldn't ever keep aiming higher or ever trying to do better.
So I slowly watched all day as Gibby slowed down, then began to fight to stay on his belly, then I watched as he tried to stop from rolling over. I watched him struggle and there was nothing I could do to save him. All I could think about was Grant's voice and the tears in his eyes, when I would have to tell him about Gibby. So I took one last look at Gibby looked him the eyes as his gills were slowly beginning to stop moving and I said "I'm so sorry I couldn't save you either Gibby. Please forgive me..." I shut the tank light off and walked over to the kitchen sat down on the floor and began to cry.
After Ted held me the boys came over because they heard me crying and all three were hold me on the kitchen floor. Grant wanted to know what was wrong and I told him that Gibby died and I was sorry and it was all my fault. I told him I couldn't save him. He said, "It’s okay Mom, you still have the frogs!" Before I laid him down for bed tonight he said to me....
"Mommy, I'm really glad you let some air out so you didn't pop."
Love, tears, letting a little air out and flying across the room makes us real.
SEE THAT MOVIE!