6 keys on the key-chain

I try to keep track of the things I have eaten, places I have gone, emotional responses I get, etc. when I get a migraine or I feel one coming on. For example, today I had a wicked migraine (I'm not sure there is any other kind). Yesterday I was so depressed and I had no answer, it kind-of flew up out of nowhere and slapped me in the face. Everything went wrong, everyone hurt me, I was angry at everyone. I am so ashamed of my emotions. I told Mom last night that I was in such a dark place that I was going to stay off of my blog because nothing good could come of it. She agreed and sent a motherly warning, which I deeply blew-off anyway. I really wanted to stay off my blog, but I didn't. I got on and wrote about "stoicism" a word that people often refer to as a compliment. No one has ever called me stoic -we know why... But, something about the idealization of being stoic bothered me so deeply last night. It wasn't the only thing. I am angry at a Bible study I began a couple of weeks ago. It is all part of the process of letting God further into my heart though...I think. You see, I started this Bible study shortly after promising myself that I would get to go to Sunday school and church every Sunday after I turned 30. I have been so happy every Sunday. I desperately look forward to my Sunday's. One Sunday I saw a sign-up table for a workshop called "Unbinding the Soul"- I immediately thought it would be perfect for me. I felt a little bound in that area still. My hinges needed to be oiled. I started the class. Shortly after starting the "Bible study" I realized that it wasn't really a Bible study, but something else. I felt as if the whole purpose had an agenda that I was not privy to. I felt left in the dark. Here I am, just dusting off my church going shoes, when I find myself not in a Bible study but in something else. I won't say what because we signed a contract not to talk about the personal things we speak of in our group and I don't know how far that may cover. I'm sure that telling what the workshop is about now, wouldn't be a breach, but just in case, I'll fill you in later. I'm sure this workshop is perfectly acceptable to those who have been going to that church for years, but I have not. I suddenly felt duped. I'm not sure if I misunderstand or if I have lost trust in a church that I felt so strongly about. Anyway, I began to write about the word "Evangelism"
I sought the real definition of the word, commented on it and then wrote underneath, "Wow, God, I feel like I might need your grace right now!" This comment was because my intention for my whole blog entry was to be passive-aggressive. Suddenly, our fully charged computer died. It shut off and I couldn't publish the rest of what I wanted to rant. I was so angry. Then I started to laugh. I had just asked God to give me some of his grace...I didn't really expect it to be so blatant. He did give me grace by forcing stoicism on me!
I had a sad day with my migraine today, it was raining, Jada is still hurting from breaking her toe and she looks so sad, I'm missing my Grandma, my brother might still be mad at me, but I don't know because I haven't talked to him for too long, I miss my best friend Amber and just the constant feeling of failure as a mother I routinely face and I must share this story with you.
I hate to be all "Jesus" up on you considering there is nothing that annoys me more (that is so not true- there are always bobble-heads) than to hear about God when I am not open to it. But, something about this isn't just God, it is human nature.
One day a couple of months ago Jake, Grant and I were at Mom's back on the farm. Mom had been running the vacuum and stopped to talk for a moment. Jake picked up the vacuum cleaner (the attachment with the hose and the kitchen floor attachment were what were on the vacuum at this point). He wanted to get it through the door way and was not quite getting it...He had part of the attachment caught on the doorway and part sticking out. He just kept ramming it into the doorway over and over and over again. Mom asks, "Jake let Grandma help you?" "NO! I DO IT!" He yells. Then he proceeds to ram the attachment over and over and over again. Mom is laughing hysterically at this point. I had something on my hands or my control freak nature would have just taken it from him and moved it out of the way. I said to Mom, "Oh, you think it's funny because you don't have to deal with it every day with every single thing!" She said, "Actually, I'm like you, I want to take it and fix it too, but I was just thinking about how this must be how God sees his people. We have problems that we continually perpetuate and we just keep 'ramming the doorway', and then God says, 'If you would just let me show you how, you will see how simple it really is!' “It is funny because my personality has always been like Jake's.”ME DO IT!" I understand it. I also now understand why it is more important for us to "Let God show us." I remembered this story tonight when I was trying to find the right keys for the white car, the car I never drive, and I thought I had grabbed the one's Ted told me to grab. I walked through a giant mud puddle and soaked my shoes and socks to get to the car. I got in and tried to shove that key into the hole so many times, you would have thought I wasn't all there! I really wasn't all there...I wanted to do it my way...
I stopped finally when I concluded that it was obviously the wrong key and pouted about having to get out and soak my socks and shoes again. I looked down at the keys I was holding ad saw that there were like 6 different keys on the key-chain and I had picked the one I wanted and assumed it would work whether or not it was the right key. Think about life and how we try to "jam our keys into the ignition just because we think that should be the key that works; there may be 6 different keys we just over looked because we were so sure about what we thought we wanted."
I have been so overwhelmed with Jake and his "ME DO IT" attitude lately. I literally get hit in the head with it daily (bad, bad attitude and temper lately- Jake and time-out are getting to know each other well). Now, the hard thumps to the head have knocked something into me. God gave me this little "ME DO IT" message boy to remind me that if we could only just listen we might be able to hear him show us the 6 other keys on the key-chain!