Who they are

I am sitting here on this rainy Sunday morning and traditionally I find Sunday's to be sad. It began with my family growing past the ages where all of my cousins and aunts and uncle would meet at Grandma and Grandpa's for lunch after sunday school and church. The Sunday gatherings withered away and ended. We all grew up. Grandpa passed away. As I grew older pieces of me began to fall away like leaves fall away from a tree in autumn. Until one day I found myself long past the Sunday family gatherings, without a church family, in a different town, my husband at work, my kids running circles around me and a lingering loneliness that nothing like a Sunday could bring. I was a naked and bare tree with roots growing deep. It was then I decided that I had to start going to church if not simply for that one hour the kids would be in a nursery, but for the possibility that I could begin my own traditions and begin to grow my leaves back. If the boys are ever going to stand in the shade of my leaves and the comfort of a tradition of their own I have to start them. I missed my life so badly that I forgot that I was instrumental and often souly responsible for who they will be and the memories and the love they have for their childhood. I want them to have something to aim for when they too have their own families and potentially find themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon longing for the days of their own childhood. I find it funny that two of the most valuable places in this town to me are places I avoided for so long. If the boys hadn't been born I might still be avoiding them. The YMCA and the church I belong to become solid standing grounds for me out of a desperation. I would love to say that I wanted to be healthy so I began going to the YMCA. Yet, to this day I laugh that I got myself to start going daily by telling myself that they had a nursery and I had one hour without the boys if I went. I told myself I could sit in the locker room if I just went. I started going and I began walking, then running, then lifting, then pilates, step class, the boys started classes, and funny enough...I have never just sat in the locker room! I told myself the same about church. I didn't have to listen or get involved, I just needed to go. I didn't attended for long before I started teaching Sunday school and helping with the youth, etc. I would love to say I am a better person and I wanted something better for my children initially, but to be completely honest they came into my life to teach me something too. We don't just have kids and raise them into wonderful people. The relationship goes both ways. Our children help us see the things that no one else has or ever will be able to teach us. I'm learning everyday. My job is to do the best I can. I have grown my leaves back and I provide shade and protection even on rainy Sunday's like today. I know there will be some times when a storm plows thru and strips me bare, but, I now know how to get them back... and I am happy to say that I thank God for who they are...If not for them I would still be bare.