You'll get through this too

In case you are wondering who sings this song: it is Joshua Radin and the song is called "Winter". This episode of Scrubs- probably one of my all time favorite TV shows ever, aired in 2004 shortly after some things I never thought I could make it through. I remember sitting alone one night, as I had recently discovered I was pregnant with Grant (only three months after losing Joseph), while Ted was at work. I was dealing with guilt of a pregnancy too soon and not wanting anyone to think I was trying to replace one child with another...something you can never do. I was watching this show and I cried...and cried...and cried. I cried the next day, and the next day and then every time I thought of those last words that Zack Braff (J.D.) said in the show I seemed to finally get emptied out of the tears and the sadness and I came to some clarity. I know it seems so odd to be affected by a TV show in such a way, yet with the combination of the show, the music and with the experiences of the time I was deeply affected. I had cut myself off from most of the people in my life when I had suffered this tragedy, and to be honest I assumed they didn't want to be around me because they simply didn't know what to say. The odd thing about losing loved ones in unexpected, unexplainable or tragic ways is often a terribly and lonely existence. People initially send cards and flowers. Then about five or six days later everyone disappeared and I was all alone. People don't like to talk about the things that they fear, or simply do not know how to process. Unfortunately it can leave the person who has experienced the loss with great resentment and emotional scars on top of the pain already in existence.
I think I have evolved into such an emotionally expressive and forward person because of the loneliness that I felt after our loss. I always want to be sure to say the right thing because of all the things that were said to me right after the loss that were totally inappropriate and downright horrible. I still can't forgive the people who said those things and I feel it will always harm relationships in my life. I over-react at small situations because underneath there is an instinctual reminder of certain words or actions by others during that time. Sounds, smells, and even some visual stimuli can take me back so fast I will find myself scrambling for the nearest exit. If only the people in my life knew the tiny things that remind me...I wonder if they would care or if they would blow me off. Some people think I get overly passionate and opinionated about a particular issue but they have no clue what I want to scream...
Grant has brought home toys (a particular type of doll- I can't say it or write it) that have caused me horrible flashbacks that I spend weeks trying to erase from my brain. He doesn't know why Daddy makes them disappear, he probably just thinks I am crazy. So be it...I am. I understand that one may wonder where this blog entry has risen from. I was triggered four times in one day today and I began to wonder if there was some sort of reason for the freak nature of these odd occurrences to all happen in one day. There may be a reason, there may be a lesson...I can't see it right now. I will in time. I guess conincidence is always a possibility...Now here I sit wondering if I should even publish this blog or if it is too nuts, depressing..... But, isn't that sad? Why should I have to be embarrassed to talk about genuine human emotions that I have experienced. Don't we all have emotions that we know aren't "normal". Wouldn't "normal" really simply be the existance of abnormal emotions we are unable to cure, completely explain, or even one's that we hate about ourselves? When I die someday it will say this on my tombstone:
"Never an emotion she didn't share,
never a oddball we could compare,
but standing by her made me look sane,
and for that gift I will never complain!"