The risk could simply not be worth the possible misinterpretation of my intent.

I don't understand how some people can't see who I am. I don't hide much of anything. I'm upfront and I wear my heart on my sleeve. My intentions are not to hurt anyone ever, I don't get enjoyment out of other people suffering. I don't find enjoyment in conflict. I can't stand to even hurt a bug. I find hunting to be a painful truth in my family, but I understand it. I try and place myself into situations to be empathetic to others and I try to provide sympathy and support to the best of my ability. I try so hard at so many things. I am harder on myself than any other person could ever be, yet, it never stops people from trying.
And here I find myself in yet another situation where I am someone who has caused problems. I could just melt away into the woodwork and never attempt to try anything. The risk could simply not be worth the possible misinterpretation of my intent. Yet, I cannot stand back no matter how hard I try. If I have a passion in this life that I can't subside, I follow it. There will always be haters, the misunderstanding jealous and the plain misjudgers. I can't understand how God could put such passion for things in my heart yet also such sensitivity to what others think of me as well. Why can I not be confident of myself? I know in my heart the truth. God knows the truth, why isn't that ever enough for me? I cringe when I catch other's in a lie and then as they go to bed at night thinking that I honestly believe they speak the truth...I wonder to myself why I am the one who seems to suffer now? Maybe they suffer too. Maybe more than me. Not that I want them to suffer. Why must people lie to me? I hate the lies. I see right through them. Do they think about the lies as they spew from their mouths? Or do they lie so much it becomes second nature and they pass it on to themselves as a necessity in the moment. They justify it. Or do they simply begin to believe their own lies? I said a prayer last night before I went to bed as tears rolled down my face that he would help me understand what it is that I can't see in this impossibility now. I prayed that he give my faith the strength to overcome this bash. I prayed that I not give up on a silly little dream I have had since I was younger. I prayed that he help me channel my Grandpa's grace with words, yet strength and common understanding. I pray tonight that he give me forgiveness and the ability to move forward and disregard the people who think they need to lie to me without letting them slow me down. In a moment like this I thank God for all of my family and my in-laws too and my friends the old and the new. I thank him for the people who know me and have known me for all of my life, those people who love me, trust me and have faith in me after a lifetime of knowing me, just me, but me all the same. I am important to many people and I feel their love right now, if not for them , I think I couldn't go on into this world with a passion in my heart or a hope in my soul. To those without your judgement to me, I say- thank you, to those who feel you should judge me anyway, I say- can I help you find you instead?