Amber and I had the rare chance to talk the other day, and as I look back I am mad at myself for spending the whole conversation complaining about the previous day and the drama that unfolded in our house. The guilt I felt with Grant's bad day, the anger at the doctor's office....me, me, me, I have a habit of making it about me. It takes a whole lot of practice and a whole lot of support to make yourself not so narcissistic. So yes, I am aware. I was writing on the new page I added in my blog the other day (the award page) that talking to her was "like water in the desert". I can't find a better description. She doesn't cause me pain, suffering, self-doubt. She never tares me down. That is what a true friendship does. Most of us don't find this until we become adults unfortunately. Some never find it until they are late in their lives. Some people will never get it because they can't stop abusing their friends enough to deserve it.
It wasn't always like this. Honestly Amber and I were in school together and she was a year older than me, but we didn't become friends until late high school. Then we seemed to get closer the farther we got from high school. After I saw her at the frog jumping contest back home immediately following my surgery and recovery we found ourselves almost running to each other like a cheesy but realistic movie and we just hugged. We were both in tears. It was tough not seeing each other through that. But, she had a baby right when I had the diagnosis and surgery. She was there for me, and seeing her made it all very clear to me. So, from that day on we texted and e-mailed and talked on the phone constantly. We still do, more some times than others, but even when we can't see each other, I know she is there if I need her. She always has something to say to make me feel better or something to offer that I never thought of. I'd like to think I do the same for her. Actually, I really know I do. I do. I have a blessing in her and I simply would do anything for her.
There were times growing up when I wondered if I would ever have the type of friends I saw people having at school. Those best friends that hung out outside of school and went to each others houses and did everything together caused me slight jealousy at times. I did have best friends growing up but, as we grow up we change and as we change sometimes our friends don't change the same way we do. It isn't saying that they are bad or wrong, or I am bad or wrong. It simply says that I took a different path for some reason and it has lead me here. The difficulties I had with deep friendships revolved around trust and keeping close to my family due to anxiety. I rarely trusted anyone completely, and if I did it seemed that they were either family or very close friends of family. My mother encouraged me to spend the night at people's houses if I was invited. The conjoined words: "slumber party" or "spend the night" still make me want to vomit. I went to a couple, I'm not sure if any of the people there remember me being there other than one time when I was the butt of the joke and had an incident happen that deeply saddened me. I resolved in my head that I "hated" those girls. But with me, to "hate" someone meant that I often was still very nice to them, I would just cry when I went home: I was very dependent until about 8th grade. I'm not sure what changed me. Something happened inside me that told me that I would no longer be submissive. I started running and writing then and told myself I would completely change who I was to the opposite. I could fake "un-shy" when I needed to. I am a extroverted introvert- (try that one on)! In fact I often put myself in situations that other shy individuals would find torturous. I decided I was going to try out for the dance team, but they called it Pom-poms (which still to this day I laugh about because we rarely used pom-poms). It was a stretch because most of those girls had been in dance their whole lives. I had never been in dance. The only dance I knew was what I felt when I heard music. Oh, how I have so many stories rushing through my head right now about high school and who I was and who I wasn't that I must simply focus on one right now.
Back to the idea of freeing myself... Just because I chose to be different didn't mean in any way that my life was easier, it just meant that I could rest easier at night with the choices I had made even if I was the only one making them. I had strong opinions then, just as I do now. I felt strong resistance toward alcohol and drugs. I assure you the less friends you have, the less parties you go to, the less trouble you seem to get into....Am I saying to be a loner? Not exactly. It's really hard as a young individual or even an adult to stand alone. I remember wanting to climb inside my locker so no one could see me not hanging out in any particular group. I had so many people that were nice to me and I was friendly with. I joked around with so many of them, I appeared to have strong friendships. But nobody in that school really knew who I was except for a select few. If they knew who I was it didn't mean they were my best friends either. Dan (my brother) was in high school with me for two years and that was calming. When he left I never felt like I recovered completely. It may not have seemed that way to others. I was in student council, on the dance team, then I wanted to try to twirl and be a majorette (Baton twirlers) so I asked a friend of mine to show me real quick. I bought a baton, practiced all summer and tried out and made it! So I said suck it to the now large group of a-holes the dance team was (not all of them, just most) and started twirling. (I'm totally over that- can you tell?) I even did fire batons. I have a feeling though people remember me from high school as the reject.
I ran track and cross-country, I read the announcements over the intercom every morning one year or two I can't remember. I won the honorary captain of the cross country team award my senior year (voted on by my teammates). I won the DAR award (Daughters of American Revolution Citizenship Award) (voted on by my teachers and other adults who worked in the school) and was prom queen my senior year (voted on by the students). Yet, I still felt odd, out of place, like I never belonged. So I'm convinced that some people would feel that way no matter how many friends they had, awards they won or things they participated in.
Some may wonder why I am looking back....something took me back. I was trying to have empathy for something I saw and I put myself into a young person's place only to remember that I don't have any answers because I never really learned how to fit in. I still feel the same way I did back then. But there are no lockers to climb into. It just is a different place. In this place I can go home and hide. I can be myself more and still know my husband loves me and he chose me, he didn't just get stuck with me. I can be me and know my boys are still going to tell me "You are my best mommy in the world Mommy!" I can write it all down in a book, give it one last look, hand it over to a publisher and hope they don't judge me as harshly as I do myself. I can know that my words might make someone somewhere feel like people have helped me feel along the way...hopeful...and loved even though I am me.
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