I'm confused. So, I will just stand still ....right? No movement. I'm just going to fade into the wall for a moment and chill. God, I am trying to listen and open my heart and mind but I can't seem to get it right. What do you want me to do? Where do you want me? What a trying time. I am coming out of hopelessness though and into confirmation that not only will this pass, but I will be stronger for it. Stronger like all of the other times in my life when I thought I was built too weak to sustain the immense pressure. This time it flows from all of the areas of my life and I think that must mean I simply need to stand back and observe for a moment to figure out what is going on. Maybe it just is what it is. I hate that saying, but what if I simply look at the facts and add no personal judgement or emotion to the picture of my life right now? Eventually something has to give right? Hopefully for the better right? It's rocky down here on the bottom. It's hard to find a place to rest comfortably.
I wrote this a few days later: (you can tell)
Do you ever daydream about what you would have done had you not done what got you to where you are now? Okay- read it again...slower, it really will make sense if you read it slowly and process it. Well, I spent the day in the field tilling and thinking. Here was my daydream:
I was a dancer. I was a ballroom dancer- all types, but I could do all of the styles of dance, except ballet- it annoys me. But, since you can't make a living dancing, unless you are Cheryl Burke, Max C., Chelsey Hightower, or any other insanely talented dancers, I was also a writer...a published writer. The funniest part about all of it was that I was motivated and I wasn't a procrastinator. I had insane ambition. (probably because I had self-worth and satisfaction in my life). I didn't have anyone telling me that I should just get a job at McDonald's. Never mind my degree that I gave up so much to obtain. It doesn't mean anything anymore. Everyone needs a masters degree now. I think degrees should be dissolved and all hiring should be based on written and performance based testing. I know some people who have some jobs that I could do with my eyes closed and not only do they do a bad job at them- they have no passion for what they do. It makes me furious. We all have to play the system. Everything is so fake. Come to think of it every freaking thing is so fake. You know what makes people bitter?.... Disregarding their feelings, their dreams, their desires. It's the people who don't get their needs met and are consistently ignored or emotionally, physically or psychologically abused who become so bitter.
In my daydream we didn't get the house loan and I was happy about it...yep crazy I know. So, I moved back home to the Aledo area near my best friend and started Grant in Aledo School District. I ran with Amber everyday. I helped her and she helped me- we were each other's saving graces. In my daydream I went to the church in Aledo that announces my birthday and anniversary even though I have never been a member there, (it's my Dad's church- and my youth group was joined with their youth group). For real- they really do! The church I go to now here in Macomb- where I was married and Ted had been a member since the early 1990's, still doesn't put our anniversary or any of our birthday's in the newsletter. I joined that church this spring and oh how I feel it was a great regret of mine. This is only one of so many things wrong with my relationship to this church.
My daydream continued with the excitement of getting to raise my kids with my best friend by my side. I had her to run with and keep me going... She would come to dancing classes with me because her and I used to dance in high school. We would pull out our guitars and practice until we could play really well. I would make all of the birthday cakes and she would make Halloween costumes....
But then I came rolling back into reality....dreadful reality. Ted won't ever leave Macomb. Maybe he will just have to visit us in Aledo:-p We are suppose to be building a house...wait- we have been trying to build this house. All signs point to pull out. The whole thing is making me not trust anyone in the world. It is become more than a family can handle and I am done dealing with a builder who changes his story every day. This family land means too much to me to be playing games. I feel like people are juggling with our livelihood and as they drop each ball they say, "oops, sorry... hope that wasn't too big of a deal!" "well, yes you inconsiderate jerk, it was a big deal, it is only our entire future. We don't have a home right now. We are giving time for the appraisal and as soon as it comes back we will make our decision. I am no longer going on good faith anymore. Everything the builder tells me will now be put into writing and then signed my him. Mama's claws are out and I am in a corner- I'm ready to pounce. That's right we all know I'm feisty- but y'all haven't seen anything yet!
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