Cutting Out the Middle Man

I was sitting across from our banker yesterday. Great guy; great banker. I'm sure he is great for his wife and family, as for my personality: not so much. I get a lump in my throat if anyone of any authority shows disappointment or gets upset with me. My list of who is authority is quite different than most people's opinions. By nature, I remain assertively-submissive and a well-controlled introverting-extrovert. If you think that isn't possible- you haven't met me. More importantly- you haven't been married to me or tried to raise me. I force most of the opposite personality characteristics out when I need to use them. I act the most timid around people who I know, yet do not understand.

I am not submissive when it comes to money deals. I bought our first house, I bought my car. In fact when I bought my car I researched every single part of that car the night before I went in and bought it, I ended up knowing more than the dealer knew about the car and he was asking me about the car design, make and model. I looked up Kelly Blue Book and some other information on what I should ask for with the car. Going in, I knew what price would make the dealership their money, but would also be what the car was actually worth. When we got to the point in the sale when the salesman shakes his head and excuses himself to go "run it by his boss", I told him- there would be no need and to call his boss in on the intercom so they could talk in front of me. After all, "what did they have to hide?" I asked them. I told them that I understood that they had to make a profit and I understood how it all worked so walking out of the room to talk behind my back would send me to a "stand and a walk out the door". It's odd when I am able to put on my big girl pants versus those times all I can find is a pair of pee pants in the corner...filled with the intimidation of those people I am close to and around daily. Now here we are up to our eyeballs and ready to build this house and I can't stand the business end of it all. When I look at some bankers, salesmen, or insurance and loan officers, I wonder- "how do you sleep at night?" I mean that job is fine for people who are able to look past the human they are talking to. I find my life terrifying in knowing that if someone were to ask to the right question I would answer it straight. Gogh. I like that it means I'm honest, but it is painful to live at times and worse to watch. Honesty and "Queen of Jerkville" ride a fine line. Now we need to "look good" on paper. We need to appear to "have it all together" and to promise to "have it all together" for 30 more years or however it takes to pay back the loan.  So I need to find a job. I started to think about who would be hiring- who I wouldn't sell my soul to the devil to work for and that is when I came to the conclusion that I am quite possibly up the river without a paddle in Macomb, IL. I started to get a bit enraged at the cost of child care and how there is no system set up to protect the person in a family who is going from primary caretaker of child to full-time worker. I say this because I could work a full time job and turn around and hand that money right back to a child care provider. This is nuts. This of course sent my mind into a sociology issue. It is a circular debate that can be run back to the beginning every time.

As women, we get forced to work when we are not ready; when our babies are too small. Some of us are forced to stay at home due to the cost income ratio of childcare due to said job would usually cancel out any job a new mother would or could have. Then there are some of us who are criticized for needing to go straight back to work after our children are born- "we know our children are in great hands and they will never doubt my love for them: it is about the quality of time I spend with them and not the quantity"- kind of women. We have the "I am so blessed to be able to stay at home with my children and spend these rare and fleeting moments with them, I couldn't bare to let someone else mold and shape who my child is going to become"- kind of women. We have the "If I hear one more stay at home mother complain about being a stay at home mother...I think I will die a  little more inside"- kind of mother. We have the "If I hear one more working mother complain about her ability to escape this chaos only to talk to adults, eat all the food on her own plate, and make money without getting poop on her hands the entire day... I am going to slap somebody- and it will most likely be my husband!" We have the mothers who do the insane job where they stay at home and work a separate job while taking care of their children, these "I can't pay for childcare (for some reason x,y,or z), so I work from home. I thought I would be more structured than this- I would work during nap times- or give them projects and distractions, so now I get the work in when I can and usually means when they go to bed" There are the mothers who can work at home while watching their children and other people's children as well. It seems like God only made that role for the insanely patient. These are the "I figured I needed income and childcare was too high, so I created a licensed childcare out of my home. Now I can make money and watch my kids as well. I have to admit I do feel a bit trapped at times, but so is the life of a woman right?"

Oh but as we all complain I am missing so many more roles. There are so many dynamics to this complex system of being able to make ends meet, but it is a system that seems to block our attempt to move in any direction. When thinking about going back to work I have this visualization- Have any of you ever had and older sibling or cousin or just a bully simply put his/her palm on your forehead when you are so enraged and ready to charge? You have suddenly worked up enough energy and passion to fight for what you want and this larger person with longer arms put their hand on your forehead and locks his/her arm at their elbow. You are swinging passionately trying to make contact with that person but your little arms just won't reach because his/her arm is longer and stronger and locked. In this position kids (we) often give up. I figured out as a child there IS a way out of it. If you ever find yourself in this situation in real life or metaphorically then quickly drop and squat. You are no longer in contact with what obstacle for a quick moment and if you can remain clear you can either go for his legs or save up your energy for a better passion. Run on, I suggest. As a new and recent twist to my escape in that trap- dropping to a squat turned into a metaphorical drop to my knees and pray. I have finally figured out that I can't do it on my own. I need help to figure this all out. Like a beggar, I ask everyone around me what I should do, "Should I work this, give up this, should we not build the house....what should we do, what should we do?" But, like someone who finally gets it, I was asking the wrong people. "Dear God, I began...."

Casting Crowns - American Dream

"American Dream"


All work no play may have made Jack a dull boy

But all work no God has left Jack with a lost soul

But he's moving on full steam

He's chasing the American dream

And he's gonna give his family the finer things



Not this time son I've no time to waste
Maybe tomorrow we'll have time to play

And then he slips into his new BMW

And drives farther and farther and farther away

So He works all day and tries to sleep at night

He says things will get better;

Better in time



And he works and he builds with his own two hands

And he pours all he has in a castle made with sand

But the wind and the rain are comin' crashing in

Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands

His kingdom stands



His American Dream is beginning to seem

More and more like a nightmare

With every passing day

"Daddy, can you come to my game?"

"Oh Baby, please don't work late."

Another wasted weekend

And they are slipping away

'Cause he works all day and lies awake at night

He tells them things will get better

It'll just take a little more time



He used to say, "Whoever dies with the most toys wins"

But if he loses his soul, what has he gained in the end

I'll take a shack on the rock

Over a castle in the sand

Now he works all day and cries alone at night

It's not getting any better

Looks like he's running out of time


'Cause he worked and he built with his own two hands

And he poured all he had in a castle made with sand

But the wind and the rain are coming crashing in

Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands

His kingdom stands



All they really wanted was You


All they really wanted was You


All they really wanted was You

Here Jo Goes

The following was written on Wednesday, November 17 th. 2010:
I'm leaving tomorrow for a faith retreat called Tres Dias (three days with God). I'm excited in that horribly terrified and nauseous kind of way. My sister-in-law and brother- in- law have been involved in this retreat for quite some time now. Every year they ask their family members to go, I have been hesitant in past years due to health issues, pregnancies, having babies to take care of, and plain stubbornness. I had a hard time ever wanting to leave the boys for such a long period of time. They are both old enough now that I know they will be fine if I am gone for five days.
The house plans have appeared to become hopeful once again- but I'm not saying anymore b/c I don't want to jinx it. We made some major cut-backs in the design due to the company making major changes in the last year and we had some serious talks with the builder. So maybe all is not lost in that area...I hope.
I am feeling like this retreat will be the perfect "something" for the perfect time in my life. I keep hearing the lines of this one song in my head- "If you want to be somebody else...change your mind." Although I have also been hearing the lyrics to the Taylor Swift song "Mean" and a song by a band called Nickle Creek entitled "Doubting Thomas". I sware if it were possible to have a continual sound track to our lives I would have no problem finding the songs to fit the moments in my life. If I were able to memorize everything else the way I can memorize song lyrics after hearing them one time- I would be,.... well....brilliant.

At least I'm not denying it ;-)

Wow- I must have issues with myself. I woke up to a very vivid and clear dream of me dedicating this song to myself and then singing it, (with passion) to myself. Well, that's it, I'm officially now the enemy ;-p
Taylor Swift "Mean"
It's a song on her new CD- there isn't a video yet or as usual I would hook you up to the you tube official video.
If you have a sense of humor you could appreciate the humor in it- if you are already concerned for my sanity- well, I apologize as this will be signing my certificate to nut-ville. Remember- we are all crazy- we just don't all admit it.
BTW- I love the new CD- I highly recommend it. Well, unless you are a raging optimist and then well-
"I'm sorry your call is important to us, but all of our customer service employees are currently on the line with other customers. Please hold on the line until we are able to help you. Once again your call is important to us.....we just want to weed out the people who have serious concerns with those who are calling over petty little issues- as we know that no sane person would sit and wait for half an hour to tell us something as petty as some issues could be....right? Well, unless you have real anger issues and then I seriously hope you get my colleague as I can only hand being yelled at once a day. I only do this job because I have to for crying out loud...."
Took it too far didn't I?

How can this be?

Our house plans fell through today. We are stuck. I feel lost. I fear for my family. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Where do we go from here? I suppose there is a fine line between wanting more for your family and wishing for the unlikely. I pray for my husband to have peace in this. I hope he understands that even with this hit we are still a family and we don't need a dream home to make that dream come true.

Favorite Things Update

Lately I have been finding new things that have added quality to my life and as I have done before- thought I would share them with my readers. Even if no one reads them it’s nice to see the things I do enjoy in writing- in case I forget!

1) Wii Just Dance 2

2) Raising Hope

3) Fixing farm equipment by myself without having to ask for help- so satisfying

4) Ripping in a straight line- (some people call it tilling- my Dad calls it "ripping" or "tearing it up") In Dad's defense, we are a no-till farm to the best of our ability. But since corn has been planted in some of the fields for a couple of years in a row and has not been altered with beans like it had before- the nutrients need to be brought back up to the surface.... So, yes, we are doing some slight tilling.

5) Garlic infused olive oil

6) Annie's organic food products (haven't found one I haven't liked yet!)

7) New, sharp, unbroken crayons

8) Dressing in a costume- you can be anyone you want- (I would think that acting must be very personally gratifying)

9) Lunch with my Grandma- by myself- no kids- no one else, just me and her and secret conversation

10) Chatting online with my brother- if that's the only way I we converse these days I will soooooooo take it. I miss him in my life in the cheesiest way. How do you say to someone- hey- “I love talking to you so much that it hurts when we don't talk”? How do you say that and not sound like an idiot? Well, I guess I just said it didn't I? I'm not sure anyone else can make me laugh harder than him. Even when we are chatting online I am laughing so hard I'm crying- Ted was watching me do it last night and chuckling at the oddness of it all. I would pay for one day of Dan singing Jewel (perfect pitch), dancing the "Danno", making up pinky and the brain lines, doing physical comedy that in my opinion is so much better than Jim Carey and mastering sarcasm. Okay maybe even picking up a piece of ham and slapping me in the face with it.

11) Sarcasm- it really stinks when people don't know that I'm being sarcastic- it's rare but it happens. When sarcasm falls through it leaves you looking terribly ignorant. But when you can be around people who are also sarcastic and share your sense of humor- it is bliss!

12) My favorite blanket in the morning when it is freezing cold and the boys run over and crawl under it on the couch if even for only a couple minutes before we have to get ready.

13) People who smile at me

14) People who say what needs to be said- when it needs to be said

15) People who stop bullies in a non-violent way (how admirable) - I don't understand how anyone can ever defend the concept that violence should be dealt with by returning violence.

16) People who stand up for others

17) The people who make the right choice when no one is watching- like returning a $20 bill to the service desk in the store, or upholding your end of a contract and not trying to find your way around it and justifying your actions, giving anonymously...

18) People who treat their friends kindly, compassionately, and build them up- and never tear them down (I personally am so very lucky in this area)

19) Honey- The boys and I have a habit of wanting a spoonful of honey in the afternoon- odd but true. There is a local guy who makes the best local honey. I've never tasted better honey.

20) My North Face jacket now that I put all of the ski patches all over it. It seemed that everyone in this town had my "lucky jacket" and it was mostly the college kids. I just wanted to be different. I also felt like wearing a North Face jacket just because it was stylish was a bit clone style. Over half the people who wear those jackets don't even do outdoor sports. I got mine because I have skied since I was 8, been a ski instructor when I was 16 until I was in my twenties, and skied in various western resorts. I love to ski. I swear I'm not a poser. So, I had to make it show. I decided to sew patches from ski resorts on my North Face jacket kind of as a statement. Pretty sure about 2% of the population will even get it. It doesn't matter though- the jacket feels better now. I love it. It once again makes the jacket my "lucky jacket" again and that's good enough for me.

It's for them- that is why- and that is my answer.

I have addressed the issue before, but with a resent conversation with my mother I feel I need to make a clarification. Or maybe I just need to say it over and over until the people I love finally get it. Many people don't like to admit when things are rough in their lives. Many people don't like to admit what they feel are their "faults"- whether others agree with those faults or not. Many people want ONLY to talk about the good, the happy, the wonderful, and the hopeful. I am not that person. I love to talk about those things when they come gracefully into my life. Yet, I will not lie about what I am and what I deal with.

There are different opinions on this reasoning. For instance, some people believe that to leave yourself open for more judgment, (in a society where many only wish to tare you down), is only asking for assumptions on who you are as a whole person....without taking anything else into account. That is a school of thought that I understand. I understand it; yet, I am prepared to deal with the judgment that my sharing may bring. I am also prepared to deal with the e-mails I get that thank me for saying the things they wish they could have the courage to say. Or that they wish they could find the words to say.... Is it odd that I don't feel embarrassed to admit my faults? Or is this whole process just an admission that I am human?


Then the there is the thought that I will never gain respectable employment due to my honesty with my life issues within this blog. I must first say- I don't go around handing out this blog address, (while I am not ignorant enough to think they cannot find it.) The type of employment I am seeking to gain is not a political official- and to be quite frank (as if I know any other) - maybe the political candidates should be as honest about themselves as I am. I am speaking and addressing moral issues. I address issues about integrity, faith, trauma, depression, conviction, regret, self-doubt, family, hopes, dreams, and the odd but true....most importantly I use my life as an example. I use my failures as examples. My entire reason for this blog isn't to preach but to leave a record for my boys about my life. I want them to know how strong and passionate my feelings were for the things I stood for. I want them to know just how imperfect I was. I want them to know how okay that really is...and I want them to know that being imperfect will still make them lovable, admirable, and most of all, I will still be most amazingly honored to be their mother. My brother once told me that making the tough choices in life- the choices that were the least favorable and the one's that may cause the most painful repercussion (no matter the certainty in their correct path)....the people who make the right choices still knowing the adversity they will face- well, that is what separates the courageous and the heroes from the rest of the people....I'm trying to make heroes here.

It isn't about me and the opinions about my frank statements...If my life is nothing else, I am a mother, and I will stand for this path even though it isn't a popular one. I am going to wear down the trail so that the boys can see where I have walked and they won't get so many dang chiggers. So that is my answer....