Saturday, December 4, 2010

Cutting Out the Middle Man

I was sitting across from our banker yesterday. Great guy; great banker. I'm sure he is great for his wife and family, as for my personality: not so much. I get a lump in my throat if anyone of any authority shows disappointment or gets upset with me. My list of who is authority is quite different than most people's opinions. By nature, I remain assertively-submissive and a well-controlled introverting-extrovert. If you think that isn't possible- you haven't met me. More importantly- you haven't been married to me or tried to raise me. I force most of the opposite personality characteristics out when I need to use them. I act the most timid around people who I know, yet do not understand.

I am not submissive when it comes to money deals. I bought our first house, I bought my car. In fact when I bought my car I researched every single part of that car the night before I went in and bought it, I ended up knowing more than the dealer knew about the car and he was asking me about the car design, make and model. I looked up Kelly Blue Book and some other information on what I should ask for with the car. Going in, I knew what price would make the dealership their money, but would also be what the car was actually worth. When we got to the point in the sale when the salesman shakes his head and excuses himself to go "run it by his boss", I told him- there would be no need and to call his boss in on the intercom so they could talk in front of me. After all, "what did they have to hide?" I asked them. I told them that I understood that they had to make a profit and I understood how it all worked so walking out of the room to talk behind my back would send me to a "stand and a walk out the door". It's odd when I am able to put on my big girl pants versus those times all I can find is a pair of pee pants in the corner...filled with the intimidation of those people I am close to and around daily. Now here we are up to our eyeballs and ready to build this house and I can't stand the business end of it all. When I look at some bankers, salesmen, or insurance and loan officers, I wonder- "how do you sleep at night?" I mean that job is fine for people who are able to look past the human they are talking to. I find my life terrifying in knowing that if someone were to ask to the right question I would answer it straight. Gogh. I like that it means I'm honest, but it is painful to live at times and worse to watch. Honesty and "Queen of Jerkville" ride a fine line. Now we need to "look good" on paper. We need to appear to "have it all together" and to promise to "have it all together" for 30 more years or however it takes to pay back the loan.  So I need to find a job. I started to think about who would be hiring- who I wouldn't sell my soul to the devil to work for and that is when I came to the conclusion that I am quite possibly up the river without a paddle in Macomb, IL. I started to get a bit enraged at the cost of child care and how there is no system set up to protect the person in a family who is going from primary caretaker of child to full-time worker. I say this because I could work a full time job and turn around and hand that money right back to a child care provider. This is nuts. This of course sent my mind into a sociology issue. It is a circular debate that can be run back to the beginning every time.

As women, we get forced to work when we are not ready; when our babies are too small. Some of us are forced to stay at home due to the cost income ratio of childcare due to said job would usually cancel out any job a new mother would or could have. Then there are some of us who are criticized for needing to go straight back to work after our children are born- "we know our children are in great hands and they will never doubt my love for them: it is about the quality of time I spend with them and not the quantity"- kind of women. We have the "I am so blessed to be able to stay at home with my children and spend these rare and fleeting moments with them, I couldn't bare to let someone else mold and shape who my child is going to become"- kind of women. We have the "If I hear one more stay at home mother complain about being a stay at home mother...I think I will die a  little more inside"- kind of mother. We have the "If I hear one more working mother complain about her ability to escape this chaos only to talk to adults, eat all the food on her own plate, and make money without getting poop on her hands the entire day... I am going to slap somebody- and it will most likely be my husband!" We have the mothers who do the insane job where they stay at home and work a separate job while taking care of their children, these "I can't pay for childcare (for some reason x,y,or z), so I work from home. I thought I would be more structured than this- I would work during nap times- or give them projects and distractions, so now I get the work in when I can and usually means when they go to bed" There are the mothers who can work at home while watching their children and other people's children as well. It seems like God only made that role for the insanely patient. These are the "I figured I needed income and childcare was too high, so I created a licensed childcare out of my home. Now I can make money and watch my kids as well. I have to admit I do feel a bit trapped at times, but so is the life of a woman right?"

Oh but as we all complain I am missing so many more roles. There are so many dynamics to this complex system of being able to make ends meet, but it is a system that seems to block our attempt to move in any direction. When thinking about going back to work I have this visualization- Have any of you ever had and older sibling or cousin or just a bully simply put his/her palm on your forehead when you are so enraged and ready to charge? You have suddenly worked up enough energy and passion to fight for what you want and this larger person with longer arms put their hand on your forehead and locks his/her arm at their elbow. You are swinging passionately trying to make contact with that person but your little arms just won't reach because his/her arm is longer and stronger and locked. In this position kids (we) often give up. I figured out as a child there IS a way out of it. If you ever find yourself in this situation in real life or metaphorically then quickly drop and squat. You are no longer in contact with what obstacle for a quick moment and if you can remain clear you can either go for his legs or save up your energy for a better passion. Run on, I suggest. As a new and recent twist to my escape in that trap- dropping to a squat turned into a metaphorical drop to my knees and pray. I have finally figured out that I can't do it on my own. I need help to figure this all out. Like a beggar, I ask everyone around me what I should do, "Should I work this, give up this, should we not build the house....what should we do, what should we do?" But, like someone who finally gets it, I was asking the wrong people. "Dear God, I began...."


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