I do an awful lot of sitting and then when the work comes it is supercharged, fast and secretly insanely terrifying work. Yes, this comes from the girl who isn't afraid of driving fast, heights, sudden life changes, trying new things, public speaking, bugs, worms and other creatures....but I am terrified I am going to do something wrong here and ruin my father's dream. I'm terrified to disappoint people. It makes me think about the first blood draw I had to do on someone in the ER after I learned. I was good at it. I felt confident. They said, I hate these, please say you know what you are doing, I did know what I was doing, but how could I tell that person that he was my first real patient. "Oh don't you worry- I've got this hun, just look the other way if this sort of thing bothers you, it will be over in a flash..." Oh, how my heart was pounding. Needle straight in perfect blood draw, he never even felt it...sweet.
My Dad has never wanted to do anything else with his life and has always known that he would be farming. He went to college and then got his masters and then came a few credits shy of his doctorate, all while still farming. He is the most technologically driven farmer I ever knew existed.
I know companies farm with such technology. But some don't even think of the things Dad comes up with. I sit here and listen to him talk to the electrician/engineer (the human computer) and he designs these ways to make this whole farming production faster, easier, less dependent on outside resources....just anything and everything I or others would have never thought of trying.
Right now Grandpa Jake is looking down on him and taking notes. I don't know why he would be taking notes in heaven, he was just that way. If there was a piece of new information the man had to have it....just like Dad. It makes me think about true intelligence. While I have always known my father was brilliant, he hasn't. And while I always knew my Grandfather was brilliant, he never believed it. Dad was a C average student with a straight A capability. He just wanted to farm and back then....he didn't think he needed to go to school to farm. He has always said that when Grandma and Grandpa Reinhardt got him his truck it was the only thing that kept him in school. I look at him now and see brilliance. Grandpa Melton never went on past 9th grade. He stopped school to help on the family farm. He was always disappointed that he never continued his education. In the end, Grandpa had taught himself through life and self-discipline so much more than any of the highest degrees could have ever taught him. He never stopped learning. He loved knowledge. He was passionate about it. I see that in my Dad. It find that interesting that Mom fell in love with someone so similar in so many ways to her father. Don't get me wrong though, they are also very different. Grandpa was a talker. Dad isn't. Dad can't sit still through the winter so he works a job in the winter with worse hours than farming. Grandpa was able to kick back in his chair when he needed to rest. Grandpa spoke his mind (he did it with respect- unlike me). Dad lets it eat at him from the inside out. Grandpa was skinny during harvest and heavy during the winter. Dad is skinny all of the time. The one thing that oddly sticks out in my mind that is strikingly similar to both my Grandpa and my Dad are their displays of affection for their wives. Never have my parents found a place inappropriate for a kiss, hug or hand holding. I always noticed it. I loved it. Grandpa always called Grandma, "Honeybuns" and would give her behind a little swat when she was doing the dishes and a kiss on her cheek....Oh how she would kill me if she knew that I wrote this for the world to see. He always told her he loved her, hugged her, kissed her, and in the end he turned his last glance to her. I know it has nothing to do with farming, but maybe it has something to do with who I am.
Anyway, back to intelligence....I will always believe that the smartest people are the ones who, when they don't have the answers, know how to seek the answers out. Sounds simple right? Nope. For example, I once had a doctor I thought was a total jerk because he obviously didn't have the answers, nobody had them at the time, but he made them up to try and look as if he knew what he was talking about. I never went back. All he would have had to say was "I don't know the answer, but I will find out for you and get back to you right away. And if I can't I will find someone who knows the answer for you." That would be someone who was incredibly intelligent! Who knows all of the answers? If you think you do, then you don't know all of the answers do you....?
My Dad would be on the the front cover of any book I wrote on this subject. It isn't as if he goes around saying, "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know..." I finally figured out why he is so quiet. He is figuring out how he will find out. Or he is looking for the perfect answer in the billions of files residing inside his brain. Or well, he is cussing you out silently. Just kidding....or am I?
So, I sit here with too much power in my hands to ruin it all and not enough information to feel like I can keep it from crumbling. Mom and Dad obviously feel confident that I know what I am doing or they wouldn't have put me in such a place. So I thought today that I would do what all people should do when they don't know the answer. PANIC! Na.... I decided to ask more questions. There was only one problem with that. How do you ask questions to someone who doesn't talk? Good thing I figured out how to read most of Dad's mind in the years since Grandpa died. Until then I had never given my Dad a fair chance. I had never tried to really get to know him. I was a jerk. He came in to our lives like a knight in shining armor when I was about six. He married Mom when I was 11 and then adopted Dan and I to then show we are his children- no questions asked...and he had never been anything other than a great father. Yet, I had already been raised with Grandpa Jake. I had this attachment to him. I had that role filled. It was unfair to Dad. As an adult I feel terrible for not allowing him into my life further. When I did let Dad in, I realized how much I understood him, how much I enjoyed being around him- and most importantly how much he has always loved me. I can't go back to change the past. But, looking into my future- I know I can see our relationship only growing more solid. I know Dad doesn't have the time to read my blog, but if you ever read this Dad- I know I tell you this a lot, but, I really love you, all you have done for me, and for everything you are.
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