If not for the dark night, we would not see the stars

I have decided to end my facebook account. I am not depressed. I am not filtering out of society. I just hate the endless comparisons I hold against myself. I am a different sort of soul; this we all know...I really just need an outlet to write. I have a passionate personality and do admit my romantic view on the world. I disagree with most major issues. I don't really ever feel kind of one way or another about any issue...I feel it totally and passionately. I don't know how to NOT tell people how I feel. Yes, this is a double negative Dan.

It has almost been a year since my pre-cancer appeared. I never had to have any chemo and the surgery should have taken all of the "pre-and cancerous" cells. Yet, out of fear and delusion I never went back for a check-up to make sure that they got it all. I live each day hoping that I haven't made a great and deadly mistake. I know most of my family and friends are unaware of this stupid move and I really have no explanation for this insane game. I have recently began to allow these fears to creep back into my thoughts and things have began to change my perspective. Yet, unlike my glass half-full perspective since March 31st, 2009, I now have a glass that I repeatedly spill. "No crying over spilled milk you may say", but what about no crying over a loss of hope?

I lived for months with such a great perspective and attitude. I felt as if this "pre-cancer" was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I felt it was the door to actual appreciation of my life. Four months after a radical hysterectomy I ran a race and placed fourth in my age division. I was amazed. I had gotten back into running and my spirits had been lifted once again. The boys were at such fun ages and just looking at the miracles that I was able to have before I lost the ability to have children again made me feel touched by God. The best summer followed, with family vacations, traveling, adventures in the back yard and on the farm, laughter, running, love, blessings, thankfulness and so much more. Jake turned 2 years old and Ted and I had our 7 year wedding anniversary. We were gifted 3 acres of family land that Ted and I have dreamed building on for 10 years. We started the process of selling the some in which we first raised our children for 5 years. We sold our home quickly and moved into a home of dear family/friends that reminds me of a large log ski cabin in Colorado. They live and teach temporarily in Hawaii and love to have someone to take care of the home and property. This temporary home in itself is a dream home to Ted and I. We ultimately dream of being on our three acres in the country to grow our orchard, pumpkin patches, blueberry patches, gardens, raise sheep, cattle, chickens, and for Grant (All the shelter dog and cats, but we will see about that). Grant wants a tree house with a wheelchair ramp, even though we don't know anybody who uses a wheelchair:-) Jake told me he wants a "bombine"(combine), although our crops will not yield enough to use such large equipment.

So we recently sold our home after being on the market for only one month. We are now in contact with the many people involved with the process of building a home. Our dream is well on its way.

So, what the H**L is my problem? I have all I have ever wanted, I talk to my beast friend everyday. My children are healthy. My husband has a job. What is it about the human condition that so quickly allows us to lose the appreciation for the blessings we promise ourselves to never take for granted again? Is it fear? Insecurity? Lack of faith? The crappy winter months? Spoiled and unacceptable behavior? What it is that has me sad? Why doesn't running help my mood? My quote for today: "If not for the dark night, we would not see the stars."

Today's prayer: Dear God, Please help me to hold my blessings dear to my heart. I thank you for them all. Guide my heart to a happier place and attitude so that I can really appreciate what you have given us. Amen