“The Wisdom That Comes From Not Knowing”

I want to do spoken poetry. 

I want to stand in front of children and tell a story with such theatrical illusionary magic and  dimension that mystifies them to ask:

“Was that just 1 person or an entire cast?”

I want to dance… I want to tell a story with movement and music that should forever be put together. I want to give myself goose bumps because nothing matches the feeling of when your body marries music and tells a story that words could never find. 

I want to wash away my doubt and pick up that paint brush to finally paint what I see when I close my eyes…and remember the yesterday’s I forgot to cherish.  I want to know that tomorrow will be as good as today. I want one more chance to feel well again… if just one more day… I want to do it all- every single dream- 

I want to feel every single rhythmic beat that my feet used to make- my own music created with every single heart beat- and my breath joining in to create a part of the melody: “in-in-out: innnnn-ooouuttt” so that my breathing joins the rhythm that once created a band each time I ran. It will always be my favorite band, and how I miss it so… 

My brain is in a relentless conflict with my heart to make me believe that I won’t get to hear that rhythm of my band now.  Certainly not now that I am so weak and already unable to do many things that I was able several years ago. I am joyful that my heart won’t believe a single thing my brain repeats.

 I can’t just let my dreams all go because of an assumption. I have yet to try so many things because of the power that fear uses to imprison its victims.

 I need just one day to go MY way, and I won’t ask for more than the simple ability to function.

 I keep my secret existence so that I can hold the truth at a distance. If I say the words- I may hear them….and put up complete resistance. You might stop trying or hoping and dreaming… and I just can’t let my story be so unfinished. If I had my way I would change my history. I’d change so much and do everything so much earlier. Nothing stings more than not knowing enough to change the potential story. But I, for one, just cannot go down without a beam of glory… or maybe just a chance to tell the entire beautiful story. 

Oh how I hate to go to sleep at night when I never know if tomorrow will be more than just a worry. Yet, if I fall to sleep, I pray: “Oh please let me have a day when my body lays down its weapons and ceases the war within itself and each and every cell rejoices.”~ Written by Jo Reinhardt-Anderson for the “I’m Not Done- What If I Overcome?” Endurance Rebellion.

Time Lords and The Complexity of Time in 2019- Hello Again!

At 14 years old this 6’1” man-child is progressively in and out of his “primate-to-gentleman-to-4 year old human with the most beautiful eyes in all the world.”
I recently documented the following in My ongoing Parental Log (year of 2019): “It seems he speaks of worlds I have not ever seen or experienced. He may or may not be living in alternative universes. We are watching closely to be sure this is not the case. I have developed an odd rage toward all technology. I have noticed a change in this offsprings humor, therefore a noticeable change in the younger offspring as well. It appears to have been broken as it is clearly not humorous. It seems that only a fortnight ago, I absorbed our simultaneous joyful laughter of humorous occasions only he and I shared. I was recently informed that the words I use to communicate were no longer correct. I am confused by the way both offspring communicate. It is as of I had a sudden and unaware brain hemorrhage, stroke or a TIA (transient ischemic attack) over a seemingly long duration. I am still unsure these offspring are mine and were not recently replaced! This rapid growth or change in my visibly older offspring has caused me terrifying increases in my heart rate, random and profuse sweating and insomnia. It appears my eyes may also have started to leak. I will need to see a professional regarding my eyes. This is not approved of my man-child. It seems to aggravate this once overly forgiving, eternally optimistic and joyful offspring much like that of when I accidentally sit in a close proximity, when I attempt to hug without permission, or if I ask about his day... It appears singing, dancing, chewing, and not having enough food to feed a small village in our home are now highly unacceptable. End of Log Entry #5130
Tonight there was a sudden and amazing moment when the man-child walked over to me as I stood.... and.... he.... he.... HUGGED ME! It lasted quite a long moment, so in a time of such rarity, I had to document the spontaneous and joyous experience with the cursed technological device I am forced to use to know anything of the outside world....(I must say however, it is equipped with a rather nice camera!) I dare not say the next miracle or my eyes may begin to leak again.... oh I simply must!!!!
Grant, my son of 14 years and 18 days....bent his 6’1” frame down and tucked his neck into mine and I heard his 4 year old adorable voice say “Mommy, will you carry me up to bed and tuck me in tonight?” (I cannot carry him anymore, but I think my man-child will always know I would move mountains and happily carry this giant world on my shoulders for him no matter how much we keep changing❤️). TARDIS my love, through all of time and space...

This Loss is More Than Words Will Ever Be Able to Help you Understand

Dear Boys,
 I hope you always remember your Grammie Big! I found a letter today to share with you. My special relationship with both Grandma and Grandpa made up a huge part of who I am today.

Dear Turtle,
From Day one you've had your own place in my heart and I hope I've let you know how special you are to me. If you aren't feeling well or something is bothering you- I can always tell. You brighten my day with your presence or with a call on the telephone- makes my day even brighter. When you were little, how I looked forward to you coming home from school and always bubbling over how your day had been. You were always considerate of others and especially if you thought someone was treated unfairly by others. You have never wanted to do anything to not please anyone. You are such a great mother. I love to watch you interact with your boys. You treat both of them as they are their own special person and you explain things to them. I love your love and respect for God, church and your faith. I am so glad you have high moral standards. I always feel so welcome and comfortable at your house. You did a great job of finding a husband who has your moral standards. You and your family are all so special to me and I love you all dearly. "Joanna" is a beautiful name, but I agree with Grandpa who called you "Turtle". You will always be my Little Turtle!
With Love to the Moon and back-
Grandma

I will write more soon but I must finish this semester of school so that I can give my stories of Grandma Melton in the best way possible.
All my love, 
Mom

Soaking it in!

Boys! I don't know how you do it, but in the midst of your silly little plans, you amaze me! You inspire me! You make me laugh! You shock me! You make me so very proud. As I see your character growing and bursting out of your heart, I am enchanted by the beauty of your complexities. I am in love with the unique ways your hearts guide you and I love the force with which you attack the world. Today you have made my day brighter. Today you have made me smile. You always make my days better, I just don't always remember to to soak in the happiness you bring to my life.

Carrots, Eggs and Coffee

Carrots, Eggs, Or Coffee

A young woman went to her Grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling.

Her Grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.

She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her Granddaughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft and mushy. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hardened egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee.

The daughter smiled as she tasted its deep flavor and inhaled its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What's the point, Grandma?"

Her Grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling water - but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin, outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her Granddaughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong? But with pain and adversity, do I wilt and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a fluid spirit but, after death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water - the very circumstance that brings the adversity, the pain, the hardship – into something quite wonderful. When the water gets hott, it releases it's fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better, and change the situation around you for the better.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level? How do you handle adversity?

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN? 

~ Author Unknown

Hey Boys- As I was reading this I remembered times in my life when I was a carrot and became soft in the heat, there were times I became hard on the inside and fragile on the outside, but what I love the most is that I have a chance to be the coffee beans and change the hot water around me. I have the ability to take the hardships and use them to make myself even better, stronger, and loving. I love you! And remember that once you become one of these you always have the chance to change. Tomorrow is another pot of boiling water. Who will you be?
Love Always,
Mom

Gran't eight years

Dear Grant,

Hello to year number 8. You have grown so very much. I have seen your height shoot up in this last year and we spend so much money on clothes and food to keep up with you. Yet, you are still skinny as a rail and finding slims in size 10 is difficult. The most dramatic change that this year has been the desire you have to become the best "you" that you can be! I watch your faith grow and as it grows, more and more questions arise about what you read in the Bible. I love your questions about the Bible- I have always thought that to be a true believer and living proof of God you must question your faith. It is in those questions you find the amazing truths. 

You have gone from reading children's books to reading chapter books. You are a very fast and focused reader. 

Math is very easy to you. 

Science enchants your very soul. 

Your love for animals is growing day by day. You want to be a Zookeeper and travel the world finding animals who need to be in a safer environment than the wild. You have taught me so many things about animals I never knew! 

You are an amazingly patient big brother, and with slight embarrassment I must admit you have more patience for Jake at times than I do. I love that you and Jake have secret clubs all over the farm, 

I love watching the honest love for your cats, and my heart breaks every time I see the pain in your eyes when you lose a pet. The tears you cry for each of those pets shows your loving compassion for all of God's creatures. 

I admire your ability to stick with a project until you have finished it. Although sometimes your amazing focus becomes irritating when I am trying to get you to focus on something else. 

You run at an amazing speed and it have to admit when I first saw you running that fast my jaw dropped! 

I love how you compliment me when I am feeling so very poor about myself. You lift me up and I hope I also life you up just the same.

You are artistic, creative and imaginative and athletic! I mean how cool is it that you make balloon animals, do origami  and can do flips and round-offs better than most girls your age. I've seen you climb trees in a matter of seconds.And though all of these compliments to you- you wouldn't ever say that you were good at any of them. Why? Because you are modest and humble like your father! The eight years with you have been a course in how to better my own self.. You give me hope that you will continue to be the shining light and happy soul that you have always been...God did grant us with a gift like no other...We love you Grant!.

Love Always,

Mom

If I had three wishes...

Dear Boys, 
Of course, if I had three wishes I would wish for a lifetime supply of wishes...but my very first three say the most about me and I would like to think they may say the most about you. 
Maybe this is a bad time to write this blog entry considering you, Grant, have just asked me 12 questions in a row....10 of which were the very same question. Oh, you little stinker! I would love to use one of my wishes for you to have had to go to school on Thanksgiving Break! On some days keeping you two boys busy is like running a business! I'm not saying that I want you to go away, but please dear child simmer down now!
My very first three wishes are quite complicated. Yet, I know first and foremost they would involve you two boys.

Wish #1: CHARACTER: I want the very most important things in your life not to be things. I also want this for myself and your father. I want for you to care more about how you treat others and express empathy/sympathy and kindness than getting the perfect score on a test or in a game. I also want this for myself and your father. If you focus on those things it will be utterly surprising how simple the rest will fall into place. Be VERY slow to anger and listen more than you speak. I also want this for myself and for your father. Family is more important than work, yet to support your family you must work, so finding your balance will be vital to a happy marriage and setting a great example to your children. I also want this for myself and for your father. Always remember "PEOPLE are more important than things".

Wish #2: HEALTH: First you must know the definition of health. Since I know a bit about this area I can remember the definition from college as it was repeated over and over again...."Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity." I wish for you both to remember that everything you put into your body affects your entire being in some way. It may not be immediate but it will affect it eventually. Science cannot, at this point in time, even know what some of the things we do, eat, or use in our lives will result in at later times. Currently the number one killer of both men and women is heart disease. Although I do believe that lung cancer his quickly coming upon the two. You have genetic history on both sides for heart disease and you both already have tastes for things that make me cringe. Grant- if I ever see you take a bite out of a stick of butter again I think I will have a heart attack myself!
But, I must apologize to both of you for setting such a terrible example for exercise. Back when Grant was little, (2-4, and the years before we had children), Daddy and I were very active when I was able and not pregnant :-). Daddy and I love to lift weights and run. We would do it everyday if we had the chance. The problem is that statement I just made: "If we had the chance...." We always seem to find the time to do the things we really care about. So look at it this way: Nothing else I love to do can be fully enjoyed if I don't first take care of the very thing that allows me to enjoy those things. What happens to our cars if we don't change the oil- the engine burns up and the car becomes useless. You can replace an engine, you can't replace you. You can fix some health problems but why ever get to the point of having to fix something that you knew how to take care of in the first place. You will hear me say this a whole lot: "Most doctors spend their time on tertiary care (fixing what's broken- i.e. high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, etc.) than on patients who are coming in for primary care (preventative medicine, i.e. check-ups/ physicals, mammograms, colonoscopies, blood work, etc.) Never make an excuse to put health on the back burner...because just as I said for the affects of kindness- the rest will fall into place. The times when Daddy and I remain the most focused, happy and healthy are times when we make time for exercise. Right after my diagnosis and radical hysterectomy I began to lift my muscles, slowly at first and then I was able to run, we played soccer in the back yard. Do you remember those days that summer...they were the best days of my life! Soon thereafter I was lifting and running like I had been born again. I entered a race and placed forth! All I could say was "Thank you God that I found my disease so early and didn't have to have chemo or radiation!" I was so amazed that I was in the best shape of my life only 4 months after a major physical and emotional change in my life. I wanted more children, but all I could think of was how lucky I was to be healthy for the two blessings that I had...YOU! While we were building our new home in the country, we let the stress and anxiety from the whole experience deter us from our exercise routine. We will get back soon so you will have a chance to witness the example rather than  the common theme of : "do as I say and not as I do." :-)
Since I feel that faith is a major part of your health I have to mention the importance of your faith in God. As annoying as it sounds to you or maybe it won't (you may not be like me and go through the rough patches in faith that I have had)- finding a church family that you feel at home with is such a vital part of your spiritual health. After years of trying to figure out my faith walk, I now find it to be such an important role in my psychological, and emotional health as well. You may struggle finding a place that shares the same beliefs you have or a place that accepts your passion or excitement for new and exciting changes (if you are at all like you mother). But, don't let it hurt your relationship with God- he isn't the one who is causing the drama....you will figure this one out in your own time. I know how I have raised you...you understand already. God loves us all the time.
Grant you have a beautiful connection and appreciation for the things that we know are there yet cannot see. It has come easy to you ever since your imaginary friends and their extended family came to live with us. ;-) Yet, that is not so easy for everyone. Jake you have conviction like nothing I've ever seen. Well, that's not true, Daddy has that conviction. Yet like your Daddy, trusting in those things you cannot see are very difficult for you. You worry about things that have not yet happened and you can't see that there is someone to catch you when you fall. You both (Daddy and you) need to remember that you are never alone. Faith is a light in the dark. If both of you boys could somehow combine Grant's ingrained and solid faith in God with Jake's conviction to the things he loves, wants and believes- you two would have an unbreakable faith and understanding of God. This is another of the thousands of reasons you two need each other. You fit together like a puzzle.

Wish #3: LOVE AND SELF-LOVE(ESTEEM): I know I can talk to you about love but when it comes to self-love I will feel much like a hypocrite. You won't be hearing me claim that I have figured any of the complex equations yet in all of my 32 years... I simply will not claim a lie so huge! I never have quite figured out why I have such problems with liking who I am or having "self-esteem or self-worth". I have a default button that always seems to take me right back to negative thinking. I don't know what I ever did to myself to make me not like me so much, but wow it must have been pretty bad because I don't think me, myself and I have ever gotten along. I pray you discover the clue to figure out this complex situation. In case it matters to you- I not only love both of you, but I love you to the end of all time...and we all know that time will never end! 

Oh, how I have so many thing to tell you about what I have learned in this life I simply must take the time to live in this life as well so those stories and lessons must wait for another day and time. I am going to go wrap your Christmas presents right now!
Love and Blessings,
Mom