How Did I End Up In The Belly Of The Green Eyed Monster? Jonah Got A Whale!

I have always wanted everything I didn't have and never appreciated the things I have as much as I should. Well- until they were gone. It's funny how sometimes those things you lose slowly turn to gold and all of the imperfections they had while you didn't appreciate them disappear when you lose them. It could be as simple as my old used Alero never having problems with paint chipping. My current car is ruined in my head because it was left outside during a hail storm and possible tornado and we never could tell if the chips that are now rusting were caused by that or the boys throwing their toys at it.... Now with every Alero I see~ I daydream about how perfect the car was....the acceleration and agility...the ease of parking that tiny thing...I can't think of anything wrong with it. Honestly, I see freedom when I think of the Alero. When we had Jake we had to have more room so we traded it in for the Matrix. I refused to drive a minivan- it was bad enough in my brain that I lost the freedom of my Alero (my last connection to my old life of pre-motherhood)- but to go from an Alero to a minivan.....? Ummmmm. NO! Now that we can't fit anything into the Matrix and I am getting clostrophobic I feel like kicking myself for refusing to get a minivan. I had to grow up. I just had a really tough time going from a free and independent person to a trapped stay at home Mom and I fought everything that came with it....for years. This is coming from someone who wanted so desperately to be a Mom and we tried to have children until we realized I had some medical problems that required I take fertility drugs to become pregnant. We lost a little boy with our first pregnancy and somehow I still had a hard time when I finally had a child with the idea that I could no longer go anywhere or do anything....SELFISH! So while I grieved for my independence and freedom - they turned to gold in my head. But as time went on I slowly came to acceptance of my role, and the gold started to rust and I realized it wasn't real gold anyway....the boys were.
I'm sure my Grandfather made some mistakes while I was growing up- but I sware to you- I can't remember one of them- not one. After he died and each year passed, he became more heroic and amazing in my mind. Right now he is looking down from heaven and telling me to spend my time doing something productive and not thinking about something so delusional. Whatever- so is my human condition. I don't understand why I do it- but I am aware that I do it. First steps.....
I read facebook and I honestly find myself so jealous of other people's lives I will spend the day depressed- maybe even a week based on one person's comment. As time goes on I wonder how much of what that person said was as perfect as they made it sound....I purposefully make comments on facebook about my life that are real and not always happy or pleasant- although sometimes oddly funny due to having young children. I do it because I just can't stand the possibility that someone else could be so hurt by me claiming things about my life that aren't so absolutely perfect. In all truth, I probably hurts people due to taking it too far the other way. I guess I just still feel like I'm in junior high after all these years. I know more, I am more competent and responsible but deep down I want the life she has, I want my kids to behave as well as her kids, I want the job I feel I deserve, I get angry when people get things they don't deserve and I feel left behind, I feel left out, and I feel like I don't belong. I hear my mother still in my head saying to me- "Don't worry honey- you just keep making the right choices, and following the right path and it will pay off...." But I guess I didn't think she meant that I would be 31 and still waiting. I tell my son the same thing and inside I cringe a little thinking about the pain he may also endure by taking the high road at times. The one that absolutely no one else is on....(you know the one- the one the county snow plow doesn't even go down during a blizzard , so if you live on it or are stranded on that road....good stinkin' luck...)
I had stayed away from my blog recently because I had visited other blogs and realized that I paled in comparison. They had blogger awards, tons of followers, comments, and I turned around to see I was about to be eaten by a green eyed monster. I looked at how many hits I had on my blog....4,000 ish and I thought to myself- either people are accidentally falling onto my page when they are looking for something on google or they read it and are too embarrassed to become a follower because they don't want to be associated with my ummmmm- how do I say it....odd and off-centered brutal honesty about my life. And how do you comment after I say what I say....? But- I realized why does it matter because I remembered that even though it stinks to be uninteresting to the rest of the world- this is for the boys. How do I always forget that? So while I was busy trying to get out of the belly of the green eyed monster I thought to myself- no fair how did I get in here? Jonah at least got a whale....
So here's the lesson boys: God wanted Jonah to be a messenger to warn the people of a city that they where making bad choices and Jonah didn't want to so he ran away. The story gets a bit metaphorical for awhile and when Jonah is on a ship at sea a storm hits and since he believes that God is mad at him he tells the sailors that if they throw him overboard the storm will stop- so they do and God saves Jonah by having a giant fish swallow him up. Jonah stays in the belly of the whale for three days- long enough to pray for forgiveness and decide he would do what God had asked him to do. Then God had the whale spit him back onto the shore and Jonah told the Ninevites that God was angry with them and that they needed to change their behavior or he would destroy their city. The king orders the people to listen and they begin to change their behavior- but Jonah is mad at God because he feels like the people should have still been punished for how terrible they were. He felt betrayed. Nineveh is spared and Jonah walks away from the situation mad at God. He builds himself a little shelter outside of town and pouts. He thinks that God should have destroyed the Ninevites rather than spare them. So angry is Jonah that he says he'd rather die than live!
What a tantrum. What Jonah is really angry about is that God has given the gift of salvation to a nation that Jonah finds undeserving. Jonah felt that it was wrong for Jews to be sharing their God with people they considered heathens. It may seem foolish to us that Jonah got mad at God for saving the Ninevites. Think about this, though. Are there people that you resent and would like to see fail? Are there those that have wronged you and you'd like to get revenge on them? This is just what Jonah wanted. He didn't want the Ninevites getting God's mercy he wanted them to suffer.
God's mercy and salvation is for everyone, not just those we think deserve Him. If only those that deserved His love got it, we'd all be headed for hell. Jonah never does grasp this. He continues to whine about his own condition but feels no pity or mercy for the Ninevites.
God tells Jonah, "11 But Nineveh has more than 120,000 people living in spiritual darkness, not to mention all the animals. Shouldn't I feel sorry for such a great city?" (Jonah 4:11 NLT) Thankfully, God does feel sorry for us and spares us in spite of ourselves. And, God can work through us in spite of ourselves. He was able to use Jonah to deliver a message despite Jonah's unwillingness and complete distaste for the message. But, Jonah suffers consequences for not doing things God's way. And, so do we.
So Jonah felt a bit jealous because the road he had taken and the days he spent in the belly of the whale and now these people were not even going to "get what they deserved".
There is a reason your mother has been waiting all her life for Grandma's words to ring true....God loves us all and if I stand around waiting for someone to hand me a golden certificate saying here's to you Joanna for all the lonely walks on the road less traveled- I would find it would never come. I am not better because I took a different path. I just took a different path. I only ask that you make good choices, be compassionate to others, be honest, keep faith in your life, and never, ever, ever keep the company of that no good manipulative green eyed monster.
Love, Mom