I can't really explain how I lost it. The YMCA is really the only daily and constant location that can provide a babysitter and the chance for me to take the time I need to "fill up". When the boys reached an age where Jake could ride in the running stroller, but Grant wasn't steady or willing on his bike- I had no choice but to just let it go. Now I am at the point where neither can/(Jake won't) ride in a running stroller and Grant can't ride his bike on these roads safely-so what do I do with Jake?
Someone once told me that if I ever needed to go for a run that they would help with the kids. That same person told me on numerous occasions that any person who wanted to run like that "had to be insane". That hurt like someone telling you that your face is ugly. You can't help the way your face looks and you can't help what you fall in love with.... SO I found it hard to ever ask that person to watch the kids when I needed to run. I am also pretty sure the person didn't understand that when I wanted to go for a run that I would be gone for about and hour to an hour and a half. One time I returned feeling so great and refreshed (finally)....and I was greeted with: "I thought that you were just going for a quick run?!" So one route was ended and I used the YMCA as a running location again even though I love to run outside. I guess running around in a circle for an hour or more indoors can make you lose heart pretty quickly.... I fought through it until they resurfaced the track and closed it for a little while- DANG IT! I'm one of those people that will stick to a routine forever if it isn't broken for more than a week. Well, the track was down for awhile and then the YMCA closed for their yearly summer cleaning and repairs for a week and guess who hasn't gone back? I would love to blame the YMCA- The lack of babysitting- no help around here- living in someone else's home while our home is being built (I'm pretty sure that's what's happening ;-P Because if not, I think I will be admitted to a psych ward very soon! Don't worry people- it is happening and I finally have pictures to prove it!) ~Well I would love to blame it on Ted's work schedule, having none of my family around here, having my best friend living so far away (next to my family BTW)- I could love to blame it on the lack of sleep due to the crippling anxiety I have now- or simply the anxiety I have pretty much all of the time- I would love to blame it on how fast my heart races during a panic attack (I can rock a 178BPM!)- I would love to blame it on pretty much everything.......But the honest truth is that these are all excuses....All of them! In fact, I bet most, if not all of my perceived problems would vanish if only I would/could/should start running again. In fact I KNOW running regularly decreases my migraines, improves my mood, decreases most if not all of my anxiety, deepens my relationship with people other than the five people I see daily, gives me energy like I never have anymore, and makes me wonder why the heck I never chose to hire a Drill Sergeant to get me up at 5am every morning and chase me while yelling until I got out the door. So, Grant and Jake~ I don't know who I am talking to.... you two or to own self- but honestly Mom needs to look inward and fill herself up. Sometimes we can't look for other people to blame when we have the ability to walk through, under, above and around it all. Or run through it.....
Good luck boys. We can know the answer to thousands of problems, but sometimes knowing the answer won't get you there....passion, will-power, endurance, loyalty, dedication, using your feet and start walking or running-heck you may just need to crawl in the beginning...but those will get you there. (BTW- all those things I just listed sound just like your Dad- and if you listen to the very first words I spoke to both of you when you were born; you will be like Daddy! "Hello (Grant) (Jake) Mommy loves you! But please promise me you will be every bit of wonderful that your Daddy is and nothing like me!" (then we laughed)- but I really do mean it :-) Just emote more OK?
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| Grant Theodore Anderson December 19th 2004 |
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| Jake Richard Anderson September 27th 2007 |
Amber sent this to me this morning- I loved it and now I have to share it with you too:
Undercurrent of Adventure
By Kristin Armstrong
Paige and I ran Sunday's half-marathon strong and steady–we finished in 1:40, but best of all our last mile was a 6:45. It was hot and humid, funny because a massive cold front is blowing in as I type, bending the trees ominously outside my office window. Tomorrow's highs may hover in the 20s so Paige, Katie, and I did our Wednesday workout early this morning.Last mile - run with joy!
One of my kids had messed with my phone (as usual) last night, so the ringer volume was turned low. I sleep with earplugs due to snoring dogs and visiting children, so I never heard the alarm go off at 5 a.m. The dogs must have barked when my brother Jon stumbled in at 5:15, because that's what startled me out of bed. I threw on whatever clothes I could find (Accuweather Real Feel said 21) at close range, skipped coffee and associated morning deposits, and fled to my car with a bar in my hand. I lamented the fact that, in addition to being freezing, it was pouring rain and I was wearing a bulky fleece sweatshirt (Luke's – so my wrists were gangly and exposed) and knit cap, but there was no time to atone for wardrobe sins. I was miraculously on time for our seven-mile pace run, but my run was definitely affected by my soggy, heavy clothing, the rain in my eyes without a proper cap, and my lack of bathroom time. Ah well, we did it, and the newspaper this morning said this: "If you happen to be reading this before sunrise, go outside and enjoy the warmest temperatures of the week." Tomorrow we agreed to meet at hot yoga in lieu of any run.
My brother made fun of me when I returned, looking like a drenched rat, saying that his fiancee (Roxanne) was wondering what on earth was wrong with us to cause us to go outside on a morning like this one. He laughed, and explained to her that we were psychologically unstable endorphin junkies. I peeled off my frigid clothes, soaked to the bone, and put my Old Navy fleece snowman pj's back on, promising myself a hot bath and a coffee after the whirlwind of lunch packing, last minute homework checking, and school drop off. I sat in the bath far too long, alternating between draining and topping off with scalding water. I know it's bad for my skin, hush, I don't care. I sipped coffee and thought about Roxanne's question.
I don't really think I am an endorphin junkie, because I'm not sure that I ever truly reach a runner's high. I do have more energy, an overall improved mood and perspective post run, for sure. After a really long or hard run, I sometimes treat myself to a soy latte at Starbucks, so endorphins and high octane caffeine could easily be confused. But here's the thing: running reminds me of what's out there, both out in the world and outside myself. And I somehow need this.
I can do perfectly ordinary things (wonderfully ordinary) like getting groceries, packing lunches, working, making beds, helping with homework, and driving to basketball practice. And I can do these things over and over again, and then over again. And again. In the midst of regular life, running is the touchstone that breathes adventure into my soul. I can feel the trail under my feet, the press of the hill, the gallop of the track, the burn of my lungs, the stir of wonder and possibility. Running reminds me that there is more to me than what is readily apparent much of the time. I don't always need to see it, but oh how I need to know it's there. Like having an alter ego, or a super-cool super-hero identity. Yes, to the untrained eye I look like a regular, middle-aged mom at the grocery store, but little do you know that before you were even awake, I burned off enough calories that I don't have to eat salad for lunch unless I feel like it. And I can sit peacefully though this meeting or conference call without going stir crazy because I am already pleasantly tired. I can drive to the same places on a routine basis, be on time, and be happy about it because I already blazed a trail of my own. I can encourage everyone else to become their best self, because I am asking more out of myself. I can discipline my children with firmness and kindness because I am practicing discipline myself. I can breathe through difficult situations because I am learning not to panic when it's time to push. I can better appreciate rest when I can clearly contrast it with effort.
Although raising three children is the best adventure of all, this phase of my life is not marked by freedom–in terms of liberties and indulgences with time. These days I get to spend my time and my heart for Luke, Grace and Isabelle. But there is freedom in running. There is liberty and indulgence with time, even 30 precious minutes, if that's all the day affords. I am reminded–even if not one single thing on my calendar reflects it–that adventure is out there, always whispering to me, calling me forward.
Kristin Armstrong is a mother, a writer, and a runner. She has written six books, including her latest, Mile Markers: The 26.2 Most Important Reasons Why Women Run. Find it at Amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, Borders.com, and Indiebound.com.
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