Harsh Truth in a Lovely World

I have been struggling lately boys. When I struggle I often search out the reason and discover the truth behind it all so that you may learn from my mistakes. If there is one thing I am certain- you will makes mistakes. It is how you handle yourself in the face of those mistakes that will set you apart from the rest of the world. I have spent my whole life trying to figure out how to restructure my responses to take accountability and change my behaviors once faced with mistakes. As a child, I went through times when I responded to my mistakes much like a certain four year I know. In order to avoid disappointing or angering adults I would lie to cover myself...so, my mother tells me :-) The problem with this approach is that you lose trust and it completely hinders your moral and ethical development. The next step I took in my development was to admit to the wrong-doing simply to avoid conflict weather I was the person who needed to apologize or not. The problem with this approach is that it damages your self-esteem and crushes your self-value. I am now on a teeter-totter between this approach and the one where if you simply do the "crime"- you fess up -and "pay the time". I haven't mastered this last approach which leaves me in an awkward position where I find myself "telling on myself" out of sheer guilt. The main thing I know...is that I am never far from reviling the truth and sometimes maybe too much of the truth. I fear I overdo these things in my desperate attempt to help you understand accountability and humility. Everyone is out there everyday and making mistakes...if not many mistakes. I have never been one to get into very much trouble and if I do it was often related to direction from my mother. Please understand that I see that as a valued part of my life. If your mother and/or father cannot help you (yes, even into your 30's), you might be missing the most honest and pure truths behind who you are. Some other family members may criticize, but you have to know the difference between what is meant for your well-being and separate that from what is their own personal gain from the "take down". Some people just need to feel as if they are above you or soothe themselves in the fact you have been weakened by their selfish "take down". It is a harsh truth in a lovely world. I hope that makes sense. I don't want to scare you into pessimism, I simply want to save you from the unfortunate places in which I sometimes find myself.

Peace

The top of the grain bin on a smmer evening...PEACE!

8/16/2010

A Pivitol Time

9/26/2010
I think I've finally reached a point in my adult life where I can go to sleep at night knowing I stand for the right things. I say this understanding that it doesn't mean that the choice to stand for these things is easy and without pain, suffering, conflict, outcast, judgement and struggle. Yet, the comforting factor in all the grief is the knowledge that I now understand and believe that I have more people who love me and are on my side in my life than those who do not/are not. I find myself wondering what other's think about in those brief moments between wakefulness and sleep. Do they worry, race among their thoughts, tune out the thoughts with TV's, music or medications, smile at their blessings, desperately pray for God's guidance, desperately pray for God's forgiveness, desperately cry out their appreciation to God....? I suppose I have done it all. One thing I have always found hard is to simply let the difficult and unacceptable situations go. I can't seem to rest when anything in my life isn't something I would stand for. I have these convictions. I don't know what about me has made my convictions and beliefs so strong, but they take on a life of their own. If something in my life is happening that I find to be completely wrong and I am associated with it, I feel as if I owe it to myself, my husband, my children and the rest of my family to remedy the situation. The longer it takes, the longer I go sleepless. If I cannot stand by something I am involved in with a dedication, conviction or self approval stamp, I feel I am not walking the talk. I feel like I am a liar. I feel like I am telling other people it is okay to break conviction with exceptions. The interesting thing is that I never seem to judge others as harshly as I do my own self. I suppose that is to ones benefit when looking at the whole picture. After all there really is only one judge right? Jake. Just kidding. God....
My faith is in a pivotal time. In months past I remember waiting all week for that one place where I felt no judgement and complete acceptance. Now I dread the place all week long. In the past couple of weeks I have asked myself some very tough questions:
Do I stand for what goes on inside (actually outside of) of the church I attend? Do I want to raise my children in a church family that supports things I find to be unacceptable? Then I realized. The church and the people in the church are wonderful. That hasn't changed. I have meet such amazing people in our church. Their stories and their lives are the examples that I want the boys to learn from. Like any community, there will be some people that I might not understand. There may be some people I need to give more forgiveness than others, more patience than others and more prayers of understanding than others.
I simply find the whole situation to be slightly impossible. I looked at my aging grandparents today as they sat here for Jake's birthday party and wondered to myself what wisdom they would offer in a situation such as this. I wondered what piece of information Grandpa Jake would have told me. He was able to show me many times when I was growing up how to hang on to my dignity while dealing with a situation so potentially explosive. But, watching someone so capable as compared to how I react must be quite a sight.
I have been wondering about the concept of praying a lot vs. praying every now and then. If I go to God asking for support with my clarity, strength in my convictions, and the ability to make the right words come out of my mouth to fix the situation....will it make any more difference if I pray for this throughout my day or scattered prayer without any regularity?
 In those moments where my mind and soul dance around with the permission to grant me the acceptance to sleep- my mind runs through the checklist of talks that I should be walking and convictions I should be holding. In those moments does a simple prayer really fix me? Should it be the override to my internal conflict. I know the answer. God is my answer-I guess what I want to know is why can't my mind let it be the answer. I have a need for an immediate resolution before I fade to sleep. I simply must realize I am not the judge after all.

I'm not who I was or who I will be...

I was viewing all of the unpublished blog drafts in my account lately and I realized that I am doing the boys a disservice to hide those posts that I was, at one time , (and still may be) a bit embarrassed to feel. Yet, I started this blog for them and I soon hope to take advantage of the publishing feature they offer since I would like to take the blog and the boys lessons in a newer direction. Before I have the blogs printed into a book for them to read I thought I would share those entries I was hiding from you all, the boys and most likely myself. So in the following days, remember to look at the very top of each blog entry to see when I wrote the blog. Blogger will post the date you have posted the blag and not the day it was written. Remember we all change in time and I simply am not who I used to be. In some ways you will see that I am the "Jo" you know. But, one thing you find out is that I have had many roles and many masks to protect that fragile soul I have protected at times in my life. Hear this song before you begin to read:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1ZgtCRO-KY

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

Faith is beliving in that which you cannot see, the rest are the fillers.

The sun setting on the farm on a perfectly breezy night with all the evening sounds swirling around me deliberately grab at my senses like they always did when I was younger (at home on the farm). Being more aware of my senses has always been a blessing and a curse. I am emotional, and sensitive for myself and for other's. (I may often do this with some people that most people do not  think deserve my sympathy or any one's sympathy for that matter), OR there is also presumed rationality understood by others when I decline to provide my sympathy due to the general certainty that the person is most definitely NOT deserving of any more forgiveness and sympathy than they have already pulled from others in a seductive way. I guess throughout life I have grown to be quite guarded and protective of my senses. I had been hurt a whole lot in my lifetime due to feeling so bad for everyone- then I realized: many of those times I was wasting my pain on those who were "undeserving". I put those words in quotations because I am fully aware that I am not the judge in this life. I balance on the line of constantly wondering when I should let my heart step up and get involved. I feel like all I have is a balance beam under my feet and a blindfold over my eyes.
This part of me always seems to be shoving her way through the masses of people as she attempts to sift through a crowded concert where she, my rational thoughts,  has front row seats. I know that this life is not about me but more about what I can do while I am here, so a little discomfort to help those who have continually manipulated and caused me to become guarded...well I guess I am suppose to do that.... in this life....right?
It isn't only the sensitivity to emotions I seem to feel so deeply: there are the strong smells that I can smell that no one else can smell. I am quite sure this is why I remained nauseous throughout all of my pregnancies. I still acquaint certain smells with my pregnancies- (they were torturous). The smell if Subway is horrible to me - ginger root doesn't make me sick it just makes me flash back to the horrible times I smelled those acquainted objects or places with misery. I still can't handle certain foods, certain detergent, hospital smells, doctor offices, hand sanitiser....it all literally stinks.
I have always had an issue with touch. I notice every single time someone touches me- weather it be a hug, a brush by me in a store, a child jumping on me. Sometimes I am instantly comforted yet other times I feel practically assaulted! I find it ironic that I find massages to be a form of torture. This therapeutic method of relaxation makes my skin crawl. It is horribly creepy having someone you don't know rubbing their hands all over your body! Or we all know that one person who may think they are doing you a favor, walks up behind you and begins to give you an unsolicited shoulder massage!
I can feel seams in my socks and the tags in my clothes. Sometimes simply having clothes on drives me crazy, but I hate being naked.... so there you go- I can't be happy either way!
I still love the electricity I have always felt sent straight through me when touched by Ted- if even for a moment....if only for a quick kiss on his way or my way out the door- it's instant ELECTRICITY! There is that feeling which I can match to holding my newborn baby boys and relate to not a single thing in this world. I also love the physical feeling of my fingers touching a keyboard when I am spilling my emotions out onto the screen.
I hate my ability to hear more than others may be able to hear. I sware my hearing is magnified. I wish there was a way to do hearing transplants and I would donate some of my hearing to my Grandmother and some to my Grandfather. I have heard so many painful things said about me in my life. At times I wish I had been either clueless or hard of hearing. I despise the sound of motorcycles and diesel engines. I guess they just sound so rude in my mind. It seems as if someone does not care to pollute the peace of their common neighbor. I simply find it hard to understand. I hear every movement or sound in the house at night ever since the boys were born. It isn't a great thing- that simply means that even when I finally have the chance to sleep I can't because I hear too many other distractions.
I'm not sure what to say about my sight ability. I have contacts/glasses. Without them, if I hold an item closer to my face it is magnified. The one thing I find interesting about my sight is the constant interest I have at watching the movements and facial expressions of other people. I have been watching people cues since I was very little. My Grandfather did it when we went shopping- I sat with him because I did not like to shop either. I still do not like shopping- so I still like to watch people instead. For years I would talk to people and know they were lying to me or that something else was going on but I was unsure how I knew. There was a show that came on recently in the last couple of years called "Lie To Me" and it not only identified the facial cues, but explained them, named them and told the reasons people use them in the  first place.
I am wrong sometimes....so be it.
The last time I had a job that evoked all my senses every single time was when I worked at the Emergency Room as an ER Tech/ EMT-B/Ambulance Crew and Transfer Driver. I dealt very well with all of these things. I do miss working in this atmosphere. I remember conversations with other workers in the ER and recalling how odd it was to deal quite well considering the constant drama, yet in our personal lives we would fold under less pressure. It wasn't that I didn't have the same senses, it was my faith making a strong appearance. I have come to know the complete difference between then and now: FAITH: Believing in that which we cannot see. It should be the 6th sense. In the hospital I knew God was there. I knew he had to be or some of the things that happened wouldn't have happened. And most importantly I always felt a calm during the largest storms as if he had his hand placed gently on my back and guided my rational thought to the second row due to faith sitting in the first row and my emotional senses were allowed in but were held back a few rows to be sure they didn't interfere with the job at hand.
I will tell you a story about tonight boys as you run around outside and play on this beautiful summer evening, but first I want to remind you that you senses were placed there with divine hands to protect you Listen to them, obey them, know when to let your rational thoughts have the front row seats and when your faith needs to be there instead . Maybe you need to allow emotional thought to have the seats at times because if you don't relating to others will be difficult to you. As far as reading other peoples senses, good luck. I have learned you either have it or you don't. Just remember when nothing seems to make sense there is a 6th sense to lean upon. Faith is always there you simply are moving around it. so Grant when you feel that feeling you tell me about....know it is the guardian angels and faith you are standing next to. Don't be afraid because you are a very sense aware child yourself, and sometimes it can be an exhausting, terrifying and, treacherous road without your faith.
May you always remember to pay attention to your sense and to the senses others may be experiencing. If you can do those things your ability to empathize and sympathize will always be strong. And don't forget in our family we care about the feelings of others just as much as we do our own.
Love Always, Mom
To be continued:

My Grace is Enough For You

A wonderful friend sent me this devotion.  http://www.girlfriendsingod.com/category/devotions/
I had become jaded through suffering. And I was  up...It all begins with.
2 Corinthians 12: 7-
 "So that I would not become too proud of the wonderful things that were shown to me, a painful physical problem was given to me. I begged the Lord three times to take this problem away from me.But he said to me, 'My grace is enough for you.'"

Paul was not sinning by asking God to remove his affliction. Paul may not have understood what God was doing, but he chose to accept it because he knew God's heart. Paul may not have understood God's process but he trusted God.

2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.' So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ's power can live in me."


God was sending Paul a message of hope. It is important to note the tense of the verb in this verse, "But he said to me" can be translated "He (God) has once-for-all said to me." It is an eternal promise.

The story is told of a business man who was selling warehouse property that had been empty for months. Since vandals had damaged the doors, smashed the windows and left garbage, the building needed expensive repairs. As the owner showed a prospective buyer the property, he was quick to explain that he would make any repairs needed. The buyer said, "Forget the repairs. When I buy this place, I'm going to build something completely different. I don't want the building - just the site." God does want our bodies, he wants what is inside: (How I taught my children nieces and nephews)

God's grace turns defeat into victory, tragedy into triumph and weakness into strength by providing real power over circumstances. People without Christ can muster up enough courage and human strength to get through a trial. God will not only enable us to survive the hard times, He wants us to thrive in and because of them. Paul used his pain and chose to make that pit work for him - and God's power was unleashed in Paul's life.

2 Corinthians 12:9 "I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ's power can live in me." (that's my excuse :-)
Joy is not an earthly treasure but a heavenly gift from our loving Father who is committed to the joy of His children. I am convinced that God entrusts the greatest trials to those who will respond to them in the right way. Some of the most joyful people I know have suffered the most because they have learned not to live on explanations but on promises - the promises of God.

I love the story of the little girl who misquoted her favorite Bible verse, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son so that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have ever-laughing life." Jesus wants to give us a life of joy, pits and all. We need to remember that joy is the deeply-rooted confidence that God is in control and that our inner attitudes do not have to reflect our outer circumstances. We can find joy in the pit. Grandma had her struggles and her pain, but found joy. Oh how she laughed, and picked on us in a way we each deserved :-)... With the love of of our Grandmother
Since my brothers have addressed the common theme I have struggled with since I watched Grandma pass into this world into the next: I must read to you something for myself, for my brothers, who have always held me up and I have in no doubt there they learn to do this:
There is a book about a man who was imprisoned by the Nazis in World War II because he was a Jew. His wife, children and parents were killed in the Holocaust. As the Gestapo stripped away his clothes and cut off his wedding band, Victor said to himself, "You can take away my family and destroy everything I possess, but there is one thing that no person can ever take from me - my freedom to choose how I react to what happens to me." So today I chose to celebrate how much time I was able to spend with Grandma from Jan. 24, 1980 to April 3rd, 2013. Daniel, you are right,  I chose to feel blessed, my anger was misplaced sadness.  Jim, you taught me to look at Grandma for what she was to US three, but to put it into two valuable words- I feel thankful for everything she did for us three. So I thank you for remembering who we are and why we are.

Turn Around- Matt Maher

Young man on the side of the road
Lost and beat up with no where to go
Smells like a hangover from days ago
He does what he can to survive

Single mom with a dead end job
Ninety hour week just to keep what she's got
With the bills that add up and down she's caught
She does what she can to survive

Well, let me say
That love won't take away the pain
But don't be afraid
'Cause it will never walk away

(Chorus)
If yo u're scared that you don't matter
If you're lost and need to be found
If you're looking for a Savior
All you gotta do is turn around

Some turn to a bottle
Some turn to a drug
Some turn to another's arms
But it seems like it's never enough

Well I won't say, that you will ever fail again
But there is grace
To wash away your every sin

Chorus
No one listens to you anymore
And your heart has broken down
You don't need to move
Love has come to you
All you gotta do is turn around
All you gotta do is turn around
Turn around

You don't have to take the broken road
You can turn around and come back home
(X3)

Chorus
If yo u're scared that you don't matter
If you're lost and need to be found
If you're looking for a Savior
All you gotta do is turn around

No one listens to you anymore
And your heart has broken down
You don't need to move
Love has come to you
All you gotta do is turn around
All you gotta do is turn around