A love like that

Dear Grant and Jake...and Daddy too: This is not written to you this time...it is about you. You are my favorite conversation topic. All my love, Mom
I've been walking, more like watching my life in the slowest of constant motion. Yet, something has changed; something very important has changed. I can see my blessings as if they glow. It feels supernatural to finally have clicked the right button and for this moment in time to be able to comprehend the pure and insane bliss my life can bring. I'm not working much, and I spend a whole lot of my time in reflection. There is so much silence, the kind of silence that screams at you when at first you don't recognize it! I have been quite depressed in the past six months; feeling sorry for my lack of constitution...or success rather. But when the boys are around it is beginning to fade. I'm laughing again like a little girl at the silliest of things. The boys make me feel like I have flashed back to another time in my life, the time life was free of so much internal and external judgement. The time I was their ages. I remember being five clearly. I remember being eight with a crisp clarity. One day I heard my voice above all of the screaming silence..."What are they going to remember about this time? What will they say about their childhood? Will they laugh about how crazy and silly all four of us are when we are together in those fleeting moments, or will they remember me getting sick so frequently? Will they realize that I was so desperate to be there for them that I gave up on a whole lot of what I thought i wanted in this life, only to find I didn't give up anything? Will they realize that their Dad is the most loving husband anyone could ever have? When his lack of public displays of affection are confusing...secretly in our conversations, when he holds me with conviction... I wonder if anyone else will ever have a Love like that. Will the boys know how much dedication and sacrifice it takes to be a father and a husband but to find a wife who can appreciate what they giving?" Lord, I hope they are everything their Dad is, without the self-doubt.
*Success*: you and I need to have a conversation...! I don't like the feelings you have imposed on me about your implications. You are wrong. I am highly successful.  I have what it takes to show my children what they need to know without scarring them. We know have to have family conversation at the dinner table, and giggle the whole time. We r not just a little family God blessed us with...we are friends and a secret club.
And to all of my regrets about the road I have traveled: "I am more than the choices I have made." I know how to explain why what I tried didn't work at times and how to fix it...in their terms.
Grant and I have been talking an laughing so very much lately. This is what he needs. This is the love language he speaks. Jake and I have been cuddling and I listen more to what he says to me now because I realized his love language is affirmation and touch. ...And the love I have for them, well, I can only hope they will have a love like that someday... If they do, my heart will dance.

"Sometimes I color inside the lines, it really depends on the picture"~ Ramona Quimbly

Coming from a personal perfectionist this statement is intriquing like opening the door to the unknown for the first time.
Sometimes I'm a scribbler.

More than your senses can comprehend

Dear Grant,
I know you think I am hard on you, but I love you more than the senses can understand or comprehend... I am constantly trying to help you reach for the stars. The problem is that you have no aim for the stars at this point in your life so you see me as someone taking personal attacks upon you. Oh you amazing child, I hope you someday realize how much you are capable of and how sweet your compassionate heart truly is. I hope you see how much your brain can hold, your heart can open up, your faith can reach out, and your soul can balance... I do love you "pun-kin"!
Love,
Your "mean Mom" ;-)

Harsh Truth in a Lovely World

I have been struggling lately boys. When I struggle I often search out the reason and discover the truth behind it all so that you may learn from my mistakes. If there is one thing I am certain- you will makes mistakes. It is how you handle yourself in the face of those mistakes that will set you apart from the rest of the world. I have spent my whole life trying to figure out how to restructure my responses to take accountability and change my behaviors once faced with mistakes. As a child, I went through times when I responded to my mistakes much like a certain four year I know. In order to avoid disappointing or angering adults I would lie to cover myself...so, my mother tells me :-) The problem with this approach is that you lose trust and it completely hinders your moral and ethical development. The next step I took in my development was to admit to the wrong-doing simply to avoid conflict weather I was the person who needed to apologize or not. The problem with this approach is that it damages your self-esteem and crushes your self-value. I am now on a teeter-totter between this approach and the one where if you simply do the "crime"- you fess up -and "pay the time". I haven't mastered this last approach which leaves me in an awkward position where I find myself "telling on myself" out of sheer guilt. The main thing I know...is that I am never far from reviling the truth and sometimes maybe too much of the truth. I fear I overdo these things in my desperate attempt to help you understand accountability and humility. Everyone is out there everyday and making mistakes...if not many mistakes. I have never been one to get into very much trouble and if I do it was often related to direction from my mother. Please understand that I see that as a valued part of my life. If your mother and/or father cannot help you (yes, even into your 30's), you might be missing the most honest and pure truths behind who you are. Some other family members may criticize, but you have to know the difference between what is meant for your well-being and separate that from what is their own personal gain from the "take down". Some people just need to feel as if they are above you or soothe themselves in the fact you have been weakened by their selfish "take down". It is a harsh truth in a lovely world. I hope that makes sense. I don't want to scare you into pessimism, I simply want to save you from the unfortunate places in which I sometimes find myself.

Peace

The top of the grain bin on a smmer evening...PEACE!

8/16/2010

A Pivitol Time

9/26/2010
I think I've finally reached a point in my adult life where I can go to sleep at night knowing I stand for the right things. I say this understanding that it doesn't mean that the choice to stand for these things is easy and without pain, suffering, conflict, outcast, judgement and struggle. Yet, the comforting factor in all the grief is the knowledge that I now understand and believe that I have more people who love me and are on my side in my life than those who do not/are not. I find myself wondering what other's think about in those brief moments between wakefulness and sleep. Do they worry, race among their thoughts, tune out the thoughts with TV's, music or medications, smile at their blessings, desperately pray for God's guidance, desperately pray for God's forgiveness, desperately cry out their appreciation to God....? I suppose I have done it all. One thing I have always found hard is to simply let the difficult and unacceptable situations go. I can't seem to rest when anything in my life isn't something I would stand for. I have these convictions. I don't know what about me has made my convictions and beliefs so strong, but they take on a life of their own. If something in my life is happening that I find to be completely wrong and I am associated with it, I feel as if I owe it to myself, my husband, my children and the rest of my family to remedy the situation. The longer it takes, the longer I go sleepless. If I cannot stand by something I am involved in with a dedication, conviction or self approval stamp, I feel I am not walking the talk. I feel like I am a liar. I feel like I am telling other people it is okay to break conviction with exceptions. The interesting thing is that I never seem to judge others as harshly as I do my own self. I suppose that is to ones benefit when looking at the whole picture. After all there really is only one judge right? Jake. Just kidding. God....
My faith is in a pivotal time. In months past I remember waiting all week for that one place where I felt no judgement and complete acceptance. Now I dread the place all week long. In the past couple of weeks I have asked myself some very tough questions:
Do I stand for what goes on inside (actually outside of) of the church I attend? Do I want to raise my children in a church family that supports things I find to be unacceptable? Then I realized. The church and the people in the church are wonderful. That hasn't changed. I have meet such amazing people in our church. Their stories and their lives are the examples that I want the boys to learn from. Like any community, there will be some people that I might not understand. There may be some people I need to give more forgiveness than others, more patience than others and more prayers of understanding than others.
I simply find the whole situation to be slightly impossible. I looked at my aging grandparents today as they sat here for Jake's birthday party and wondered to myself what wisdom they would offer in a situation such as this. I wondered what piece of information Grandpa Jake would have told me. He was able to show me many times when I was growing up how to hang on to my dignity while dealing with a situation so potentially explosive. But, watching someone so capable as compared to how I react must be quite a sight.
I have been wondering about the concept of praying a lot vs. praying every now and then. If I go to God asking for support with my clarity, strength in my convictions, and the ability to make the right words come out of my mouth to fix the situation....will it make any more difference if I pray for this throughout my day or scattered prayer without any regularity?
 In those moments where my mind and soul dance around with the permission to grant me the acceptance to sleep- my mind runs through the checklist of talks that I should be walking and convictions I should be holding. In those moments does a simple prayer really fix me? Should it be the override to my internal conflict. I know the answer. God is my answer-I guess what I want to know is why can't my mind let it be the answer. I have a need for an immediate resolution before I fade to sleep. I simply must realize I am not the judge after all.

I'm not who I was or who I will be...

I was viewing all of the unpublished blog drafts in my account lately and I realized that I am doing the boys a disservice to hide those posts that I was, at one time , (and still may be) a bit embarrassed to feel. Yet, I started this blog for them and I soon hope to take advantage of the publishing feature they offer since I would like to take the blog and the boys lessons in a newer direction. Before I have the blogs printed into a book for them to read I thought I would share those entries I was hiding from you all, the boys and most likely myself. So in the following days, remember to look at the very top of each blog entry to see when I wrote the blog. Blogger will post the date you have posted the blag and not the day it was written. Remember we all change in time and I simply am not who I used to be. In some ways you will see that I am the "Jo" you know. But, one thing you find out is that I have had many roles and many masks to protect that fragile soul I have protected at times in my life. Hear this song before you begin to read:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1ZgtCRO-KY

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was